


All Work and All Play

by OhBelieveYouMe



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barba and Benson are BFFs, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Love, Love Confessions, Office Party, Relationship(s), Romance, Secrets, Threats, Threats of Violence, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-09 15:35:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 58,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7807423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhBelieveYouMe/pseuds/OhBelieveYouMe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your cousin, Sonny, dragged you along to an office Christmas party. The last thing you expected was to find yourself entranced by the ADA he spoke so candidly about. If only you knew all the doors that would open, and all the new experiences that would come with it for both of you. But oh, how you loved him.</p><p>Slow-moving story and plot, littered with lots of Barba/Reader drabbles. Will be adding appropriate tags as the story progresses.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lo Siento

**Author's Note:**

> To be clear; I don't know Spanish and google-translated anything Spanish, or used readers' suggestions. If you notice I butcher something, please feel free to let me know so I can fix it. :) Translations will be at the bottom of each chapter since half the fun is that "You" don't know everything Barba's saying... yet.

“Vienes aqui a menudo?”

You nearly spilled your glass of champagne while whipping around to face who approached, having not been prepared for anyone to speak to you. You had come along to the Christmas party with your cousin, who had begged for you to accompany him since he really didn’t appear to have many other friends. Sonny claimed the crowd was warm and welcoming, which you could believe since everyone had only been polite thus far, but it was quickly obvious that it was a tight-knit group. In fact, you had spent more time with Noah than anyone, after offering to hold him while the Sergeant retrieved more wine for the group; so the adult conversation should have been welcomed.

However, you barely understood the Italian side of your family- so Spanish was definitely lost on you. “Excuse me?” Whispering, hoping not to come off ignorant or rude, you furrowed your brows as the handsome stranger smiled back. Was he toying with you? Couldn’t he have started this game before the multiple glasses of champagne you’d indulged in?

“Nothing,” He immediately dismissed his previous question, but followed up before seemingly taking another breath, “Just, I know everyone around here and I don’t know you. Me acordaría de ti.”

Fair, you couldn’t argue that, but you wished you knew what else he had said to you. “Oh, I’m sorry,” ignoring the ending of his last sentence, you politely held a hand out for introductions. “I’m Y/N, Sonny’s cousin.”

To your surprise, he held your fingers in his own and greeted the news by placing a succinct kiss on your knuckles. How charming. “I’m Rafael, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” He released your hand soon after, chuckling at what seemed to be nothing; “I’m surprised Carisi has such familia tan hermosa.”

Finally, you couldn’t bare the mystery it any longer; “I’m so sorry, but I don’t speak Spanish,” you explained politely, biting your bottom lip while eagerly awaiting a translation.

You may wish, but you wouldn’t receive. “Puedo ver,” he explained condescendingly before becoming seemingly distracted by someone else walking into the precinct. He took a hefty drink from his glass before abandoning it on a nearby desk, and took a moment to straighten his tie despite the bewilderment on your face. “How do I look?”

You perked an eyebrow; “Dashing.”

He winked at you, even gifting a smirk before going off to professionally welcome whoever the gentleman was who had joined the party. You continued to watch him, distracted enough despite the distance between you two that you didn’t even seem to notice when Carisi saddled up alongside you.

“Sorry you had to deal with him,” He apologized while placing himself in the gap so you would be forced to stare at his chest instead of his colleague. You merely shrugged, welcoming the opportunity to make your protective cousin squirm a bit.

“No, he seemed nice, who is he?” You leaned to the side, nosily peeking around Carisi so you could sneak a look at the fascinating man. To your horror, he caught your staring, and unblushingly grinned in response. Again, your champagne nearly took the brunt of the discourse as you bolted back to your hiding spot.

Glaring, and glancing over his shoulder just in time for the subject of your gaze to turn his own attention back to the incoming attorney, Carisi crunched his nose in mock disgust. “That’s Barba… he’s the DA I told you about.”

“Whaaat?” your jaw dropped, Carisi had always made this Barba to sound like an arrogant monster, there was no way this charming stranger could be the same man he referred to so often.

Damningly, the detective simply nodded his head. “Yeaa, that’s Barba, so you keep your distance,” He pointed a finger at you, wagging it in your face while he laid down his demand. Jokingly, you snapped your teeth inches away from him as if planning to take a bite. Unphased, he simply prodded at your nose with the offending fingertip.

Obviously looking over your head, you turned to try and see what Carisi was so focused on; a couple of women chatting away with the baby standing atop a desk. “How do I look?” He asked sincerely, tugging on his shirt to keep it taught and even nobly raising his chin to enhance his good looks.

What is it with all these men and their narcissism? You teasingly licked your thumb, rising on your tip toes to wipe off an invisible blemish on his chin. The action caused him to grow embarrassed, and he wilted slightly and snarled at his little cousin for your deed. “You’re so stinkin’ handsome, Sonny,” purposely, you spoke loudly, and condescendingly patted his cheek thrice before he shoved your hand away.

“I hate you,” he mumbled, then left you standing alone before walking off to talk with Rollins, who mockingly repeated the pats she had seen you lay on him from across the room. You smirked, noticing how Carisi’s blush grew hotter when the blonde touched his skin.

You were interrupted from your snooping when you felt hot air pour over your ear; “Nos encontremos de nuevo.”

You yelped out of surprise, and accidentally spilled the remaining drops of your champagne onto your shirt and shoes. Pouting, and horribly embarrassed, you spun on your wet heels to face the Cuban who disturbed your peace. “What the Hell are you saying?” You whined, obviously distraught with what had transpired.

Finally feeling pity for you, yet also amused by the situation, Rafael covered his mouth with one hand and respectfully handed over his full glass in apology. “Nothing important, I’m sorry,” He tried his best not to chuckle through his contrition. “Come on, I have an office here, I can get you a jacket… Lo siento.”

You glared, obviously unamused with the language games at this point.

“I’m sorry,” Rafael translated quickly while smiling at your disgruntled face, before promptly grabbing hold of your hand without requiring any further consent. “Now, come along…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> “Vienes aqui a menudo?” / "You come here often?"  
> "Me acordaría de ti" / "I'd remember you"  
> “Puedo ver,” / "I can see,"  
> “Nos encontremos de nuevo.” / "We meet again."  
> "familia tan hermosa" / "beautiful family"  
> "Lo siento." / "I'm sorry."


	2. Visiting Office

You had expected an office, much like the little visiting offices you had seen so many times before. You worked in a local law firm as an assistant, albeit you were more familiar with Environmental Law than anything Criminal, but you've seen plenty of offices before. A little man cave littered with half-completed papers and half-empty coffee cups, smelling of freshly sprayed cheap cologne and a coat hanger in the corner. 

You should have known better by now than to underestimate the ADA. 

It was a bit small, especially considering the only office you had been in in the building was Sargent Benson's with her son. The work space, however, was impeccable; and the little room smelled of espresso. Only a couple sheets and forms lay on top the modest wooden desk, and Barba was already diligently placing them in files while you meandered towards some art work hanging on the wall. Leaning in carefully, you took a moment to examine the hefty brush strokes; an original. 

"I see you like to keep a tidy ship," you joked lightly, breaking the awkward silence as he glanced up from his folders to grin at you. 

"Cleanliness is next to godliness," The papers were put away in a drawer, and you patiently leaned against the desk's edge while he made his way to a bureau closet in the corner. "How much higher could one achieve?" 

You were running your fingertip along the corners of your seat, absently tracing the beveled edges while he awaited your answer to a seemingly rhetorical question. "How close are you?" You asked with a curious giggle, and he left you hanging for just a second while opening the doors to expose his suit collection. 

"Close, I'd imagine;" Again, he surprised you; you had expected maybe a spare tie and dress shirt tucked away for those 'just in case' situations, but instead inside were four or five suits and accessories, organized and pressed. Apparently this man is a fashionable savant. "Ya he visto un ángel." 

Angel? You weren't quite sure what the context was, but the way he spoke when he used his foreign tongue was starting to make your knees go weak, and a hot flush sparked on your cheeks anyways. Barba suddenly turned, unabashedly looking you up and down with a small smirk of admiration tugging at the corners of his lips. "You'd look good in rojo." 

That, that one you knew; and maybe he was right. You watched on as he pulled out a red suit jacket, obviously tailored for him, and he dusted off the imaginary dirty bunnies that didn't exist on the well cared for fabric. He motioned for you to come over, feigning impatience by rolling his hand as you took your sweet time crossing the room to stand in front of him. Once in arm's reach, he carefully helped you shrug the jacket on. It was too big for you, for the first time your expectations were met, but it was more comfortable than just wearing a damp shirt. 

"Much better," Barba complimented, turning you so you could see how you looked in a mirror off to the corner while tugging a bit on the sleeves as he chuckled at you swimming in his suit. "You look like you're about to take the walk of shame, but that's better than looking like you're in a prep school wet tee-shirt contest." 

Your jaw fell, and you had to take a second to consider if he was actually insulting you or just trying to be funny. Oh, but he was too quick with his wit, and he was already on to the next conversation before you had time to respond to his last quip. 

"You know- this is a very, very nice suit," He placed his hands on your shoulders and smiled as you nodded in agreement, splitting your attention between yourself and his reflection in the mirror you faced. "And while you do look lovely;" Barba spun you around again, so you were looking up at him instead of the corner of the room, "I'm going to need it back." 

Well, obviously. You thought for a moment, ready to suggest that you could leave it with Sonny after he walked you home, since obviously the two worked together often. Or possibly you could-

"So I'll obviously need to see you again," Barba beat you to speech once more, and your eyebrows perked to attention at the suggestion. If you weren't so modest, you'd think the tone in his voice could possibly mean that he actually _wanted_ to see you again. "Sólo tiene sentido." 

Knowing better than to try and puzzle through his Spanish, you finally had time to respond; "Well perhaps you'll need to meet me for dinner sometime, then." His turn to look surprised, or was it possibly impressed, and he even flinched long enough for you to get a chance to continue. Obviously, if you wanted to get a word in with this handsome stranger, you'd need to be as quick as he was. "I like Italian food," you advised while coyly cocking your head to the side, "and wine as sweet as me." 

"Well I'm always ready to satisfy my sweet tooth," Barba stepped slightly closer, and took the liberty to brush a strand of your hair out of your face and behind your ear, thumb lingering on your cheek bone until you lost the staring contest and modestly cast down your gaze. "Tuesday at 8:00? The Palamino on Mass Ave?" 

You coquettishly glanced up at him, and feigned apathy with a slight shrug of your shoulders- though it was barely noticeable through the ill-fitting jacket. "That could work," you conceded with a soft nod, and he finally gifted you a full and sincere smile in response to his success. 

"Perfecto," He exclaimed, and the tender moment ended as abruptly as it had begun. Barba went about returning the hanger to the closet, then closing it so softly you could barely hear the wood touch each other until he locked it securely shut. 

"It really is a nice office," you complimented while waiting for him, and he shrugged much like you had mere moments ago. 

"You should see my real office," Barba was moving quick, and he rescued both your drinks from his desk before finally coming back to where you stood by the door, handing over your champagne so you could sip as he spoke. "Now come on, I need to get you back to SVU before Carisi notices you're missing." 

You knew it was far too late to keep their absconding away a secret, but willingly let him hold on to the illusion while he gathered your free hand in his. Leading you from his little corner of the ward and down the hallway, you could hear him speak under his breath to no one in particular; "O Nunca voy a escuchar el final de la misma." 

You couldn't contain your curiosity any longer, "Do you always mix the two languages when you speak?" You hurried your steps, trying the best you could to keep up with your guide's stride while clicking along in heels. "It's awfully confusing to the solo-lingual amongst us..." 

He laughed a warm chuckle that seemed to echo through the hallway. "No, not at all actually, I mostly use English" Shaking his head, he slowed just long enough to grin devilishly at you from over his shoulder. "You're just very cute when you're confused;" You had to take a sip of your champagne to hide the smile he elicited with his confessed admiration, but you couldn't slow the reddening of your cheeks, "y cuando te ruborizas." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:  
> "Ya he visto un ángel." / "I've seen an angel."  
> "rojo" / "red"  
> "Sólo tiene sentido." / "It only makes sense."  
> "O Nunca voy a escuchar el final de la misma." / "Or I'll never hear the end of it."  
> "y cuando te ruborizas." / "And when you blush."


	3. Mi Querida.

Before you two reached the windows that would reveal you to the little Christmas Party, Rafael meticulously released your wrist, and paused long enough for you to take a few steps in front of him. Placing his hand on your back, between your shoulder blades, he expertly guided you through the entrance to the Special Victims Unit. He was good, and apparently, you two had been missed.

"Where'd ya go?" Sonny's arms were up in the air in a dramatic shrug, trying to display exactly how dismayed he was at your absence. He noticed your jacket - well, Barba's jacket - and his face only skewed more at the mystery. In the background, Rollins and Finn both muffled their laughter behind their hands, while Sargent Benson used her child as an excuse to turn her back to the social train wreck. "What are ya wearing that for?"

Before you could even come to your own defense, which was hard enough considering the wave of embarrassment washing over you, your new acquaintance intervened. "She got champagne on her shirt, I wasn't going to let her walk around in wet clothes." Barba confidently placed a hand on Carisi's shoulder, giving him a small shake as he worked to make his final point and steer the attention off of you; "No somos animales, we're not animals."

"Yea, well, keep your paws to yourself," Sonny brushed Rafael's hand off of him. "C'mon, _YourName_ , I'm taking you home."

\---

He was late.

He was late and you were growing cold, and starting to feel just a little silly. 

The air had a stiff chill to it, which you had expected December to bring along eventually, but it was much colder than you could have predicted. Naturally, you had dressed to impress, but perhaps not quite for the weather; a maroon skater dress and black tights with matching shoes and the necklace your father had given you before you left home for New York. Most of this was hidden beneath a slightly large purple pea coat, however, so thankfully you had some relief from the falling snow.

A look at your watch brought about the realization: Rafael was now more than twenty minutes late. A pout donned your crimson painted lips, and you thoughtfully glanced down at the suit jacket you held wrapped in plastic in your arms. You had gotten it dry cleaned, despite the fact you only wore the borrowed goods for the rest of the evening after he put it on you. Maybe he was drunk when he suggested dinner, you decided, and perhaps it would be best for you to just have Sonny take the clothes back to him come tomorrow... 

Dejectedly, you began to walk away from the lit sign you had been standing under- but you could hear a familiar voice calling from the opposite direction.

" _YourName_!" He was nearly out of breath, and was waving an arm in the air as if you weren't already watching and waiting for him to approach. Your pout remained, still disappointed to have been kept waiting so long; but it took all of your stubborn nature to maintain the facade, considering how handsome he looked. Obviously, he had made an effort on his appearance tonight, but was that really anything out of the ordinary?

"Hey, I'm sincerely sorry," Barba peeked down at his watch, biting on his lip after realizing exactly how late he was, drats. "I got caught up with a case, I thought you wouldn't be here when I-" He had been admiring you, made apparent by the smirk tugging at his mouth, but the bag you held in front of you captured his attention; "What's that?"

"Your jacket," You advised bluntly, holding it out a little to show him the name of the cleaning service who you had left it with the night before.

An impressed smile infiltrated his face, despite his heavy breathing from rushing to get there in time. "You got it dry cleaned?" He asked, bewildered that you would have taken the extra step and spent the time on something so simple. You simply nodded, furrowing a brow at how surprised he was. It seemed polite, after all, since he had saved you from a potentially embarrassing situation by letting you wear it. 

Barba took the jacket from you, slinging it over his own arm so it was no longer your responsibility to bother with. "You're a doll, thank you," he relayed his respect, and held his free arm out towards you for you to take. "Are you still mad at me?"

Your bottom lip stayed out, as you were too steadfast in your stubbornness to let him think a simple compliment could sway you, but he obviously found it amusing. Still, you couldn't resist, and so you laced your arm around his and hugged yourself to his side while trying to absorb some of his warmth. He didn't protest.

"Are you going to talk to me, or am I just here to warm you up?" He only let you go long enough for him to hold the door open for you- and you waited patiently, just as you had done before, for him to gather you close again. 

"I suppose I almost forgive you... but we'll never get a table," You mused gently, thinking perhaps you two would need to head somewhere else for the evening. Rafael was unphased, though, and simply patted your arm with his hand as you approached the front desk. He wasn't worried.

Even though by now you two must be more than twenty minutes late, and the restaurant certainly looked packed, the matradee wasted no time finding a free table before Rafael even spoke. "Mr. Barba, it's always a pleasure having you dine with us, please follow me." Your companion didn't look very surprised, and nodded at the young man in appreciation as you two were led to a table. You perked an eyebrow, and glanced up at your date in just enough time to see a smug grin leering back at you. Apparently it wouldn't be a problem. 

Now in a rather quiet corner of the restaurant, Rafael swiftly draped his jacket over the back of a third chair, and moved to scoot yours out for you. Admittedly, this was a bit more than most men who recently took you on dates would have done, so you blushed a bit while removing your own coat. His sudden smile was reassuring, apparently your hard work prepping and primping paid off, and you sat down eagerly in the offered chair. You may have 

"Te ves hermosa," Rafael was so quiet when he said it that he seemed to mumble the phrase to himself, so you curiously mock-glared upwards to make him confirm what he had said. Hopefully, it was a compliment, considering how long you had spent getting ready. "Beautiful," Rafael advised while politely pushing your chair in after you sat. Thankfully, he now seemed to be more than willing to share the Spanish secrets he spoke; "You look beautiful."

\---

Dinner had been undoubtedly lovely, and to your delight, spending time with Rafael was just as delightful as the chicken parm and the Moscato. He was refreshingly intelligent, and never seemed to be at a loss of words; meaning he always had something fascinating to talk about. A bottle of wine sat between you two, nearly empty at this point, and you were entranced by a story he was nearing the end of; a sweet tale about his beloved mother, who he spoke of fondly and quite a few times during your dinner conversations. How sweet.

"But enough about all that," Rafael chuckled and poured himself another glass of wine, before leaning across to refresh yours as well, leaving the now bare bottle off to the side so it wouldn't interrupt his view of you. "Why didn't Carisi ever mention you, what's there to hide? Have you lived in New York long?"

You thought it was slightly odd, how his conversation almost felt like an interrogation at times. He was notably curious, so it seemed, or at least knew exactly what to ask to pull answers from you. But it was flattering in a sort of way, to be deemed so mysterious. "No, not really, I moved here about a month ago;" you explained simply before taking your now full glass and enjoying a sip. "Ending up so close to Sonny was a coincidence, but a good one."

"And a smart one," Rafael was staring at you, or so it felt, but he was actually just watching how you moved. He was too accustomed to reading body language and the meaning behind words not spoken... it took a firm effort not do the same to you. And he was failing. "New York is scary for a single girl, you don't live alone do you?"

"Well," you ran a fingertip along the top of your wine glass, listening idly as the gentle 'ring' resounded from the crystal circle. He was starting to sound like your cousin, worried yet caring. "Yea, I do," you finally confessed, but shrugged your shoulders soon after to lessen the admission. "It really isn't that bad, though, you all just see the darkest side of this city."

"You all? Don't lump me with Carisi and them, I'm way more fun," Rafael insisted, shaking his head in denial at his involvement in the generalization. "Where are you from?" He hadn't even taken a drink since you had started to speak about yourself; it made you feel strangely important.

"Indiana," you confessed while crinkling your nose in mock disgust, and you weren't disappointed in your expectations when you saw him chuckle in response. The Midwest state didn't exactly strike fear or reverence into the hearts of many, at least no one who hasn't come from there. You threw part of a crumpled straw wrapper at Barba for laughing at you, and he shook his head after it hit him between the eyes.

"Lo siento, I'm sorry," He placed his hands on the table in contrition, carefully slinking them along the counter top until his fingers were only inches away from yours, before going on; "There's just a big difference between a woman living by herself in Indiana and in New York."

You dismissed his worries by wiggling your fingers, thwarting his apparent mission to take your hands. "You sound like Sonny," you told him with a laugh, smugly raising your chin and glancing around at the restaurant after doing so. It was starting to get late, you assumed, and the crowd had dispersed a short while ago. It was actually starting to look like you two were the last patrons.

"Ouchh," Rafael feigned offense at the comment, and put a hand over his heart as if you had shot a rod through his chest. He peeked at his watch, sighing dishearteningly when he noticed the obscene time. Barba went at straightening the suit he wore and his tie, then took a few moments to stare at you from across the table.

"Is it late?" You asked curiously while breaking the silence, leaning forward a bit in anticipation of his answer. You had your own watch, but you were much more interested in having him make the call. The time had seemed to fly, and it was a bit disappointing to think that you two would be parting ways so soon. Rafael nodded solemnly from across the table, and stood only after leaving a couple fresh bills in the waiter's booklet along with the check.

"Desafortunadamente," He mumbled mostly to himself once again, as he had earlier, leaving you in the dark as he finished the financial responsibilities. Eyes slid up from the tablecloth and he smirked knowingly; "Unfortunately, it is late." He stood up from his seat, and you began to do the same- but you were surprised to see him race over so he could continue his gentlemanly duties. Barba pulled your chair out, and held a hand out to your side for you to take as you stood. Nervously, you obliged him, and utilized his help to also shrug your coat on over your dress. It may have been an accident, but you thought you could feel his thumbs skim your throat before he stepped away to retrieve his own jackets. Goosebumps pricked along your skin in response to the light contact, but thankfully they were hidden by your clothes.

"How far do you live, mi querida?" His eyes spilled with concern, likely because of what he learned about your living situation earlier, but you met them with a lighthearted glare and your plump pout- which he found himself starting to adore. Correctly assuming it was for using Spanish again, Rafael gently took hold of your chin with his thumb and forefinger, forcing your cross features to look up into his own. "It means; my dear." He translated in a whisper, from mere inches away.

You thought of tearing your chin away, since he had only had a reason to touch you through his foreign-tongue-teasing, but the chance to gaze into his eyes for a few moments was more than enough temptation to keep you complacent. "Not far, only a couple blocks."

"Ah," He let go of your face and held a welcoming arm out for you to take, showcasing his skills as a gentleman once more, "I'll walk you home, then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nearly certain any Spanish used is explained promptly in this one, and I'm typing on my phone- but I'll come back later on a computer and add in translations. :) 
> 
> Also, if "Mi Querida" is not the best way to say "My Dear", please let me know, because that's gonna become prominent as we go on lol.


	4. Night Cap

It may have been a relatively short walk back to your place, but walking alongside Rafael just somehow made it seem even shorter. He held the jacket you had delivered in his grip furthest from you, which left plenty opportunity for you to get closer; and take advantage of it, you did. 

"Do you ever get... sad, though?" You asked gently, hushed, seeing no need to raise your voice since your face was leaned against his shoulder and he already eagerly bowed his head closer towards you whenever you spoke to him. "I just couldn't imagine the job you all do-" 

"My job isn't to get sad," he started plainly, and he wrapped his left arm around you so he could bring you even nearer to him. It was cold, so you assumed he was taking advantage of the extra warmth, but it felt nice to be coddled despite the reasoning. "My job is to use the law for what it was made for; bringing justice. Not to get sad about whom I bring it for." 

You nodded to show your understanding, and looked up to see his serious face smirking back at you. At least his smile made up for when he was so stern. "Well, we're here." You admitted finally, pausing in your steps and nearly causing Rafael to stumble before he realized you were stopping. He surveyed the area quickly, squinting to examine the stacks of lit windows. You could almost tell he didn't approve. 

Nervously, you finally asked what had been on your mind since you two turned the last corner on your journey, "Would you like to come in?" It had been a bit of a stroll, and you could only assume he lived somewhere much nicer than your neighborhood, so you offered more for clarification; "Maybe have a cup of coffee before your walk home?" You asked in barely a whisper, and you could have sworn you saw his face light up at the offer. 

However, instead of indulging you, Barba instead uncoiled his arm from your waist and moved to take both your hands in his. He ran his thumbs over your chilly knuckles, they were turning blue from the cold- and to your dismay he solemnly swayed his head from side to side, refusing your suggestion. 

"No," He responded bluntly, but it almost looked as if he had more to say even though he refused to look into your eyes. You frowned, a bit disheartened by the rejection, but you did know he was a busy man- maybe there were other, or better, things demanding his attention. "Not tonight, mi querida," he confirmed again, "plus we've both been drinking, it's time to rest..." 

Mortified at his denial, you nodded rapidly, thankful your blush would be hidden by the darkness wrapping around you two. His hold on your hands tightened as he noticed you wilting; "But may I have your number?" He requested in a boy's tone; begging and sincere, "I'd really love to see you again..." 

"Sure, of course," you fished through your little purse, but only managed to come up with a business card along with a tube of red lipstick liner- it would have to do. Carefully, while squinting your eyes and making extra efforts to keep your hand steady, you scrawled out the ten digits where he could reach you. Handing it over, you couldn't help but melt at the smile that found its way back on his face- he certainly had a handsome mug. 

"Thank you, _Your Name._ " He pocketed the calling card, and again went for your hands, interrupting your way to the front door. You two stood silent for a few minutes longer, and you thought of how awkward this quiet could be if it were occurring with nearly anyone else. 

Taking you by surprise, Barba quickly gave a tug on your hands so you were forced to trip your way closer to him, and he delicately placed a soft kiss on your forehead. It hadn't been what you were hoping for, but the gesture was probably one of the sweeter ones any men had given you for a while, and so you savored his soft lips on your skin. 

"Buenas noches y dulces sueños, mi querida." He whispered after pressing his cheek to your temple, and you felt your knees go weak as his warm breath sent a shiver down your spine. You may not know what the beginning meant, but 'mi querida' was quickly becoming your favorite Spanish phrase. "Good night," Rafael added knowingly for translation, and took a careful few steps back and away from you afterwards, "and sweet dreams." 

"If I didn't know better," you teased while making your way up the steps that led to your apartment building, "I'd think you're only speaking in your foreign tongue so you can buy an extra chance to talk at me." 

"Good thing you don't know better," He said from the street, and waved childishly as you closed the heavy door behind you. 

Barba watched as you shut the entrance, the tinted window concealing your face as you nosily stared back at him from the safety of the locked door. To your surprise, he didn't leave right away, and instead leaned out into the street and waved an arm in a certain direction. He was hailing a cab, you guessed. You were proven wrong, however, when you saw a little black car pull up after it was referenced to. A long arm jutted out of the driver's seat window, holding a middle finger high into the air before rolling down the passenger window so he could speak to your date. 

"Ya know, Carisi," You heard Rafael speak while opening the car door closest to him. "If you're going to tail us, the least you can do is give me a ride home." 

\--- 

You were incredibly, awfully embarrassed. You debated your options while slinking down the nearby wall on your back; but what were you supposed to do at this point? Admit you had been lurking and saw them? Call Sonny and berate him for being an overbearing protector? How long did Rafael know he was in pursuit... and how long had he been watching you? 

Deciding the best response may be none at all, you meandered up the four flights of stairs to your apartment- the elevator had broken down long ago, and nobody appeared to be in a rush at all to fix it. Contrary to Rafael and Sonny's opinions, you really didn't think the place was all that bad or scary. You felt comfortable enough wandering the corridors in the evening, and your neighbors really didn't seem that bad. Quirky, maybe, but not as dangerous as your cousin made most New Yorkers out to be. 

After making it to your quaint little studio apartment, you abandoned your coat and shoes by the little table in the entranceway. It was a modest dwelling, one large living room with a nook for a kitchen and a bathroom not much larger than your closet. The vintage charm is what sold you; high ceilings, ornate columns, picture frame molding on the walls. Your bed took up most the room, but you didn't mind- you also had an old maroon loveseat for entertaining guests. Not many people came over, though- it was usually Sonny who snagged that spot. 

You took a shower after starting the radio and lighting a candle, your typical routine before retiring for the night. After slipping into a black nightgown, you fumbled with your cell phone in order to set an alarm for the morning. It was already late, about midnight you assumed, and the six am wakeup call you were scheduling felt like opening the door to a new layer of Hell. 

However, you were surprised to notice the little icon signifying a missed call hovering in the corner of the screen. Deciding to investigate, you realized you didn't recognize the number, and they hadn't left a voicemail. You debated letting the mystery rest, maybe you would return the ring in the morning since it was already so far in the night... 

Before that decision could be reached, however, the same number flashed in front of your face while a familiar jingle sang out to alert you of the incoming caller. They called back. You answered, curious considering it wasn't someone who's number you'd already saved. 

"Helloooooo?" You sang softly, but a smile pulled at the corners of your lips when you realized who was on the other hand. 

"Oh good, you made it home alright." Rafael sounded strangely alert considering the hour, but you were in no mood to question him. 

"Shocking, isn't it?" You teased. 

"It is, I should have walked you to your door," he spoke too quickly for you to intervene, something you were becoming accustomed to. "You should let me make it up to you... maybe Friday night?" 

"I'll have to check my calendar in the morning," You lied naively, there were no plans he'd be interrupting; "Will Sonny be a voyeur for this one as well?" 

Barba chuckled, he didn't think you had seen the two talk but it didn’t shock him that you had. "I hope you can pencil me in, por favor." Apparently he planned on ignoring your concerns with your cousin. 

"I'll let you know tomorrow," you promised once more, and he morosely sighed from his end of the line. 

"I suppose that'll do," He got quiet, and you thought of hanging up- but he made your heart skip a beat with an additional sweet compliment; "I look forward to seeing you again." 

You felt like a school girl talking to your crush through tin cans and string. "Me too... have a good night, Rafael..." 

"You too, mi querida." 


	5. Rack 'Em

He was late. Again, of course, but you were starting to realize this could be per the usual when dealing with Barba. This time, though, you had thought ahead- he was picking you up from your apartment at 7:30. No more waiting in the cold for you. 

Well, apparently not quite 7:30, considering it was starting to near 8:30.  
The movie was supposed to be starting at 8:45, so you wondered if you had been stood up. 

Your options weren't limited, though your sensibilities made some appear less feasible. You were already dressed and your makeup was done; you could easily go out on the town and enjoy your night even if it meant doing so without Rafael's company. His number was saved in your phone now; you could call or text if you were really that curious about his whereabouts, but you were worried about being just another annoying ring interrupting his day. You could check with Sonny, see if he had heard from Barba- but you still weren't quite comfortable involving your cousin in the budding romance... if that's even what it was. 

You had almost given up, and was working on taking out your pearl earrings, when a knock on your door nearly scared you out of your skin. 

You opened it to be greeted by a small bouquet of daisies, wrapped in crimson plastic and held up under a pair of the most apologetic, green puppy-dog eyes you thought you had ever seen. Teasingly, you took the flowers from Rafael and closed the door ever so gently in his face. You could hear him chuckle from the other side, but of course he knocked again, and you responded while taking a sniff of the present you had just received. 

"I'm sorry," Barba began with what was starting to be a familiar greeting, but you dismissed the apology with a wiggle of your fingers. 

"Don't be, you brought flowers," You shut the door behind him before motioning him further inside the studio, "I guess you're forgiven." Retrieving a crystal vase from a cabinet by the sink, you went to collect some water for your pretty gift. Barba surveyed the large room, carefully examining the setup with an amused smirk on his face. 

"At least all those stairs give you a great view," He had wandered by the wall facing the street, which mostly contained windows within bricks instead of the plaster all the other walls were covered with. Placing your new flowers on the table in the middle of the room, you nodded in agreeance. 

"It's nice to look out of an evening," you advised while saddling up alongside him and pointing down to an elderly homeless man playing a saxophone on the corner. "Free lullabies." 

"How lovely," He wasn't looking at your little midnight jazz band, but was staring at you, and he shyly reached over just enough to hook your pinkie with his. "Are you ready to go?" 

"Oh, definitely," You moved along to turn off lights, and dragged him with you during the stroll around the perimeter as you locked the few windows you had open. Once back to the entry way, you wrapped a scarf around your neck, and eyed him curiously as you worked to close the door once you both were in the hallway. "So what's the plan now? I assume we missed the movie?" 

"Probably," Barba checked his watch and confirmed your suspicion, but took your hand in his own once you joined him during the walk down the stairs. "And you know, sometimes the best plan is none at all..." 

\--- 

"You didn't tell me you were a pool shark," He teased from the other end of the table. You glared across from behind your pool stick, you were definitely losing, and he was making fun of you. It was too late for the movie by the time Rafael had made it to pick you up, so you two decided to go to a bar instead. Granted, pool was never your strong point, but you were competitive enough to make any game interesting. Apparently, you weren't the only one. 

"What fun would it be if I told you?" Finally attempting your shot, you missed once more, and your bottom lip plumped out in a pout. Rafael took a sip from his dark drink before making his way over. 

"No, no, no, querida-" Unabashedly, Barba came up from behind you, and placed a hand on your hip while hovering over your back to force you forward towards the table. "You have to see the shot," his free hand slid along your arm so he could guide the stick towards the cue ball. You provided no resistance, and pretended to be actually absorbing the lesson- however, his proximity and the smell of his cologne definitely made concentrating a little more than difficult. "Then, just ever so gently," He was whispering now, barely audible, but thankfully he spoke directly into your ear. Shifting, so his hands traced your arms until they found their way to both of your own so he could take the shot he had set you up for- "You make your move." 

Crack; the little white ball cascaded across the table, colliding into the eight ball and knocking it recklessly into a corner pocket. You watched with genuine curiosity, it was one of the first shots you had actually made this evening; and you were so fascinated that you almost didn't realize Rafael's hands fall to your waist, and he pulled you closer until your back met his chest. "Good job," He congratulated you with a snicker while resting his head on your shoulder, and you brought up your arm to wrap your hand around the back of his neck so you were nearly dangling from him. Barba kissed your cheek, his grip growing tighter onto your torso while he let you momentarily revel in your celebrating, before leaving you with the bad news: "You lose." 

Realization dawned over you, and you pulled your mind from being lost in his embrace to the pool table in front of you. "You tricked me!" You accused while gasping and glaring at the little balls still on the table- he had made you knock the eight in before it was due. "You're awful," Spinning around in his arms, since he refused to let you go, you saw his devilish smile aimed your way. "Did you just lawyer me?" 

"Any objection is overruled." He insisted briefly, and clasped his hands behind the small of your back to convince you to stay put. "At least you know I'm good at my job." You rolled your eyes at him, but Barba only laughed. 

"Can we play again?" You asked eagerly while looking up at him with your chin on his chest, before his attention was torn between you and his phone going off in his pocket. Quickly, he retrieved the vibrating cell and held it up behind you, using his other hand to lay your head against his suit as he read the screen. 

"Damn," He cursed, bowing his chin so he could kiss the top of your head as you rested your cheek on his tie. "Not tonight, querida... I actually have to go, its work." 

"Really? This late?" You wrapped your arms around his chest, abandoning your pool stick to lean against the bar as you hugged yourself against him, stubbornly making it more difficult for him to handle the tab after the bartender handed him a booklet. Part of you almost didn't believe him, he could be looking for an excuse to leave; but you knew he was more important than you likely imagined. 

"El mal no descansa;" He advised lightly, but you ignored him since you could only assume he was still insisting on leaving. "Come along," He forced you to spin around, so he could guide you out of the little pub from behind with his hands on your hips, "I have time to walk you home." 

\--- 

"Do you want something since you have to go to the office?" You asked while finishing the final flight of stairs leading to your apartment. "Coffee, water?" Rafael smiled, squeezing your hand that he held in both of his, but shook his head at the offer. 

"Unfortunately, I'm in a bit of a rush, pero gracias." It was funny, you thought, how he mixed the languages a little bit more often after a couple of drinks. 

You nodded in understanding, trying not to let your disappointment show. It was becoming obvious that this would be a common occurrence if you intended on spending more time with the DA; personal lives coming in a close second when it comes to work duties. 

"I had a really good time," Rafael spoke as you two reached your door, and he brushed some of your hair out of your face as he took a moment to admire you. "I'd love to see you again, if that's alright." 

"Mmmm," You teasingly tapped at your chin, rolling your eyes up to the ceiling as you pretended to consider his request. "I suppose I could make that happen," he gathered your hands in his own again and smirked at your act, "If you think you've got time for me." 

"I'll always make time for you," The smile faded briefly, and you almost thought you had offended him. Squirming so you'd fall into the path of his stare, you were delighted to see him grin at you a last time before his goodbyes came. "Good night, querida;" He whispered after releasing your hands and taking a few careful steps back and away from you. 

Fumbling through your purse for your keys, you simply nodded as he took his hesitant exit. "Good night, Rafael," You responded before having to search deeper for the damn key that must have fallen to the bottom of the bag. 

By the time you managed to find it and undo the lock, you thought you had heard Barba's footsteps guiding him down the stairs, leaving you to assume you were alone now. As soon as you closed your door behind you, however, you heard the soft thuds of shoes pounding against hardwood- so you opened your door once more only to find him moving towards your apartment in a frenzy. 

"I forgot something," he explained breathlessly while wagging a finger into the air and leaning against your opened entryway. He must have ran back up the stairs, you decided, and so you gazed curiously up at him to see what could have been so important to deem immediate retrieval. 

You glanced behind you, thinking maybe he left something on your coffee table before you two left for the pub, but of course it was as bare as it always is save for the flowers he had brought you earlier. "But, Rafael, what could you have forgot-" 

Before you could even finish your sentence; he got what he had come for. Barba interrupted your query by cupping your face in his hands, and he delicately lead you closer to him so he could leave a modest, but eager kiss on your lips. The first one since you two had been seeing each other, and about damn time if anyone asked you. He was soft, gentle, and you grabbed hold of his wrists in hopes that he'd linger just a little longer. Your wish was granted, and he ran his tongue along your lower lip before breaking the kiss, and he rested his forehead against yours as you struggled to find air. 

"Tu sabes tan dulce." He whispered, causing you to furrow your brows. You may not know what he said, but you sure loved how he said it. That wasn't fair, but your pouting only brought him to leave an additional succinct peck on your pursed lips- and suddenly the Spanish didn't seem so important. "Thank you, mi querida." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another **HUGE** thank you to everyone offering corrections / suggestions for my Spanish usage in this- I genuinely appreciate it and totally wish I had learned the language long ago, ha!
> 
> Translations:
> 
> El mal no descansa / Evil does not rest.  
> pero gracias / but thanks.  
> Tu sabes tan dulce / You taste so sweet.


	6. Celos

You and Rafael had plans on going out that evening, and so he asked you to meet him at the SVU Unit at 8:00. You had decided to come along early, though, knowing Sonny and the others would likely be around to keep you entertained while playing the waiting game you were starting to loathe. Of course, your beau made up for it with little presents and evenings such as the one planned, but it wasn’t often you felt like an actual priority in his day.

To your surprise, there seemed to be something going on; all the detectives were collected in the now-Lieutenant's office. You debated leaving upon noticing the gathering, not wanting to interrupt, but Amanda saw you before you could. She waved you over, smiling while rattling Carisi's arm to get his attention. You gave Amanda a soft hug, it was always a delight to see her, and then made your way over to see your cousin.

"Hey, _Your Name_ , this is Nick;" Carisi wrapped an arm over your shoulder to pull you closer, and landed a firm hand on his referenced friend’s shoulder. You smiled politely and gave a little wave in greeting. "He used to work here until he chased the California sun."

Amaro held a hand out for you to take, which you did, but he surprised you by placing a kiss on your knuckles. Sonny, naturally, rolled his eyes. An odd sort of deja vu washed over you, but was interrupted when he finally broke the tension.

"Encantado," He spoke gently, almost sing-song, and you narrowed your curious stare at his Spanish usage- it was starting to feel like everyone spoke a foreign language except you. "Charmed," Nick clarified with a laugh, politely dropping your hand and watching while Olivia checked her ringing cell phone.

"We gotta go," She stated firmly, spinning her hand in the air to advise the rest of the unit to assemble. Like clockwork or a ballet, the remaining of the detectives diligently went to their desks in order collect their effects. It was a whirlwind you were growing all too used to. "Are you okay here alone?" Olivia seemed to suddenly remember you were there, and pointed at you while impatiently awaiting an answer. She was assuming you were there for Barba, the two were good friends and it didn't surprise you that she knew you and he were having relations- but overall the coupling was still relatively secret, something you silently accepted. Didn't matter at all to you.

Before you could confirm that you'd be quite alright by yourself, where better to be stuck alone than a police station; Nick Amaro eagerly waved her concerns away. "I'll keep her company, no worries." A polite smile was shot your way, and you returned it the best you could.

"Are you sure?" You didn't particularly mind being left alone, but didn't want to seem rude either. It was a kind offer, he was probably just trying to be a gentleman. "I'm supposed to be heading out around 8, so it'd only be for half an hour." You leaned against your cousin’s desk, successfully hopping up until you sat on the surface.

"Yea, of course, no troubles." Nick wandered over to your new seat, taking the chair and sitting in it backwards so he could face you. "I've got nothin' to do tonight." Sonny kissed your cheek before leaving without any further adieus, and was followed by the last of the unit members in the squad room until you and Nick were left alone to the silence. It was always eerie how dead the place seemed when all the detectives left.

"You want coffee?" your new friend offered politely, pointing finger-guns at you and making you smile. "I know where they keep the good stuff around here..."

\---

"It's crazy, they just get so big so fast;" By this time, Nick had joined you on the desk, his feet propped up on the chair beneath him. You were sat nearly shoulder to shoulder, but a few inches of modesty remained between you. You had put it there when he decided the chair was uncomfortable. "I was just changing her diapers, now I tell her she can't wear makeup to school." You two had started talking about children, which was an easy conversation for Amaro to hold. Not so much for you.

"I couldn't imagine, I was awful when I was growing up," You giggled and crossed your legs at your ankles, idly glancing at the little clock Carisi had propped up by his desk phone. "I think I'd be in for it if I ever had a girl."

"Well girls tend to take after their mothers," Nick swirled the coffee in his cup, and curiously followed your stare down to the time, "at least you know you'd have a lovely little girl." He picked up the wooden ornament, and turned the face of the clock so it was nearly touching your nose, mocking you. "Didn't you say you were leaving about 8?"

It was 8:36, and while you weren't all that surprised, you were quite thankful you got lucky enough for someone else to be where you were stuck waiting. Nodding to confirm his suspicion, you then promptly took the clock from his hands and put it back where it belonged. "Don't make fun," you couldn’t stand the black lines staring at you while they continued to move. "Best things come to those who wait." You suggested lightly, still smiling despite the tinge of embarrassment you felt.

"My mother always told me," Nick leaned in closer to you, his shoulder propping up against yours, so he could speak in a hushed tone without having to worry about you hearing him; "to never keep a gorgeous girl waiting." He looked down at your hands, and carefully dropped his so your thumbs 'accidentally' grazed the others'. His breath on your ear sent an unwanted chill down your spin. "You know, if you got stood up, then he’s an absolute idiot… I don't have any plans tonight, and I know tons of fun places to get a drink around here." He smiled handsomely, but wilted a bit to notice it wasn't eagerly returned.

You gathered your hands modestly into your lap, and were just about to politely refuse the offer- until your attention was stolen by Barba finally coming around the bend in the corner. He was practically running, staring forlornly at his watch as he prepared his apologies for the ten millionth time- but at the sight of you and Nick sitting together, he froze in his steps.

"Amaro,” Barba spoke loudly, surprising your new friend and nearly scaring him out of his seat. It was as if Nick hadn't even seen him coming. “I didn't know you were in town," He sounded annoyed, horribly so, and it was almost entertaining to watch him work on catching his breath while puffing out his chest.

Nick, on the other hand, was either bewildered or just insanely confused; made evident by the doe-eyed look he shot your way upon Barba's entrance. He reclined onto his hands, noting carefully how the corners of your lips finally curled into the smile he hadn't been able to pull from you. Eyebrows furrowed, before his gaze darted immediately back to the ADA- he had the same stupid grin on his face.

"It was supposed to be a surprise, Counselor-" Nick stood from the desk, biting the inside of his lip while moving a few long strides away from his previous seat. It was slowly becoming obvious, however unlikely and odd he thought it was, that Barba was indeed there for you.

"I hate surprises," Rafael ignored the detective as he moved in front of you, placing hands on your knees and finally smiling before offering his sincerest condolences. "I'm sorry I'm late," he added gently, having forgotten all of his rehearsed lines at the sight of you, and then raised your chin with his forefinger. "You ready to go?"

You nodded in benevolent forgiveness, allowing him to guide you and obediently leaning forward just enough to give him a kiss. Nick's jaw dropped shamelessly when he saw the exchange, and he tried to hide it by taking a hefty drink from his little styrofoam cup- but you saw it. Rafael noticed too, you assumed from the smug smirk that had slid on his lips. He held his hand out for you to take and helped you hop off the desk.

Nick pointed at the two of you; "He's who you've been waiting for?" he squeaked for confirmation once you both were looking at him, while Rafael proudly helped you shrug your coat over your shoulders. "Seems like you need a new watch, Counselor."

"Seems like I've got myself handled, Detective;" Barba sneered, his sassy, satisfied smile entertaining you almost as much as Nick's perplexity. If they weren't grown men, you would expect your beau to stick his tongue out or make an obscene gesture with a particular finger. Instead, you waved a polite goodbye while mouthing a ‘thank you’ his way for keeping you company.

Amaro nodded at your gratitude before he shook his head, walking off to where he had procured coffee from earlier. You heard him mumble something unfamiliar; "Mi vida no tiene sentido." The foreign language sparked your attention, so you looked up to Barba for translation- but he gladly denied your silent request.

"Nothing important," Rafael lead you out of the squad room, rather quickly you noticed.

\---

"Why aren't you talking?" You asked curiously, a little confused as to why he wasn't speaking about... well, anything. Rafael was always talking. "Are you upset?"

"Upset? Why would I be upset?" Even while trying to give you the cold shoulder, he held your hand tightly and pulled your arm up against his chest with his own. "I only walk in after being half an hour late to see you talking to a young, tall, dark, and handsome Cuban." You glared up at him as he went on his little rant, easily being able to see where this was going. "Why would I be upset?"

"Awe, Rafi," You teased condescendingly, trying to lighten the mood while nuzzling your face against his shoulder and coiling both your arms tightly around his closest to you. "Are you jeaaaalousss?"

"Jealous!?" He scoffed, and huffed a bit as he welcomed you sliding closer to him during the walk. "¿Por qué estar celoso?"

You frowned, rocking up so you could give him a reassuring kiss on his jaw. Barba took you by surprise, however, by stopping in his steps in the midst of the busy New York night. He let passersby walk around him, and pulled you into his arms to leave a kiss worthy of poetry on your lips. The affections were welcomed, and you cupped his face in your hands until the sultry peck ended as abruptly as it had begun. Your breath came out as fog as you tried to catch it.

"I'm **not** jealous." Rafael confirmed seriously, before turning and walking back in the populated flow of the buzzing city with your hand securely held in his. You hurried to keep up, and decided not to press the matter anymore.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations:
> 
> "Encantado," // “Charmed,”  
> "Mi vida no tiene sentido." // “My life makes no sense.”  
> “¿Por qué estar celoso?” // “Why be jealous?”


	7. Interruption

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

You two had gone out after Rafael finally got away from the office, but what else was new about a Friday night? For once, his phone hadn't gone off to drag him to the office, and you were blessed to still be the center of his attention. He didn't try to contain his joy, either- made evident by how he apparently could not keep his hands off of you.

Admittedly, you both had drank a bit more than usual, which resulted in chaotic giggling and slurred jokes for most of the walk to your apartment. You had even lost your shoes, damn heels, and somehow managed to convince Barba to carry them for you; he held them with two fingers of his right hand, by a strap on each, while holding onto you with his left.

Once you two made it to your apartment building, you went to fumbling about for the entry card, but it was hard to concentrate when Rafael came up from behind you. He peppered the back of your neck with sweet kisses, while placing his hands on your hips and slowly sashaying you side to side, in tune with the last song played at the club you two had just come from. It was a struggle to work through your knees going weak, but you celebrated with laughter once the door was finally opened. He guided you inside before spinning you in a dizzying circle and backing you against the wall.

"You're procrastinating," you accused drunkenly while he kissed your throat from earlobe to collarbone and his hands flirtatiously roamed from your stomach and over your hips to rest on the small of your back. “Up we go!”

"There are four damn flights of them," Rafael complained about the stairs into the soft curve in your clavicle. Giggling, you tossed your arms loosely over his shoulders, and skimmed his scalp with your fingertips.

"Stop being lazy," You gave him a soft push, not enough to really move him but hard enough for him to get the hint. Taking his hand in your own, you began your ascent up the staircase. "I have wine in the fridge..."

"Lazy!?" He followed you diligently, keeping a firm grasp on your hand while using his free one to cover where his heart would be. "Te voy a mostrar tu perezoso."

"What?" You looked over your shoulder while climbing, which proved a poor choice as you stumbled and tripped up a couple steps on the third flight. You whimpered, and your chuckling beau graciously helped you back up to your feet while still not answering your question.

"Now who's lazy?" Barba teased before landing a soft smack on your derriere, causing a blush to rise to your cheeks. Having successfully made it to your next goal, you again became his resting post, and he nuzzled his face against your cheek while his hands found their way to resting on your belly over your dress. This time your keys were not cooperating, and so you tried to dig through the other items in your purse to find them.

"Te ves tan hermosa," He whispered into your ear, and you literally thought you could feel your body tremble as if an ice cube had been ran along your spine. "Hueles a rosas y miel," He grinned against your skin, and you let out a soft whine while urgently trying to shove the metal key into the knob, "Podría besarte hasta que las estrellas cayeron del cielo."

What he said didn't matter, because how he said it only left you wanting more. The moment the door was opened and your purse found its way to the table in the entryway; you ran your hands along Rafael's traveling pair of fists- he dropped your shoes. He kicked the door shut behind you two, and fervently cupped your face in his hands so he could kiss your lips instead of all the skin he had already indulged in.

Rafael continued stepping your way, forcing you to walk backwards until you finally felt the foot of your bed on the back of your legs. He sat you down atop the sheets, mumbling what you hoped were foreign compliments while climbing up onto the bed in hot pursuit. You crawled backwards until your head hit the pillows, and his curious hands slid expertly up your skirt; up past the nylon of your hose so he could map the smooth skin on your sides with his fingertips. Feverish kisses were left on your sternum, the hollow of your throat, and everywhere else he could reach as he continued to climb on top of you-

That is, until you felt his phone jingling from his pocket, which was pressed against the inside of your leg. He groaned against your skin, and you zealously grabbed hold of the collar of his jacket to keep him from checking the call. "Nooo, Rafi," You implored beggingly, beginning your own amorous assault and leaving painted lip prints along his neck as he rose to his knees. Your grasp on his jacket switched to his tie for leverage, and so you traveled up along with him, still clinging hopefully and working on the buttons of his shirt with your free hand.

Barba moved an arm to your back, helping you stay up as he hesitantly read the text on the screen. An emergency, as always, but he was struggling to focus once your cool hand finally opened his dress shirt enough for you to slither your palm inside. His eyes rolled, now of all damn times.

"Rafael, no," You begged again, and he angrily tossed the phone over to your bedside table. Despite his futile attempts to pull away from you, you still worked on his buttons, and finally you managed to move both hands up his bare chest until you could clasp them behind his broad shoulders. "Raffiiii," You pulled yourself up against him, and his eyelids fluttered as you nipped at his ear with your lips.

"Siempre un mal momento," He mumbled out of frustration, and sincerely tried for a moment to separate the two of you. It was no use, however, considering how you persistently kept yourself against him even as he rose to his feet at the end of the bed. " _Your Name_ , please, I have to go-"

"You always keep me waiting," You pouted through your protest, dropping to sit on the bed while he furiously tried to catch his breath and composure. Delicately now, you wrapped your arms around his waist, and rest your head against his stomach. "Make them wait for once..."

Barba frowned as he gazed down at you admiringly, feeling as if an arrow had been shot through his chest- your words had more impact than you probably intended them to. He knew you were right, and it hurt his heart to think back to all the times he likely made you feel less important than most other things going on in his life. Work had become a backbone in his existence, a dark necessity to keep order in his world; the sunshine you brought along felt more like a blessing than something he deserved.

He wouldn't leave you, begging for him. He'd be a fool to do that. In a swift surprise motion, Rafael dropped to his knees, and met your plumped lips in a kiss while he ran his hands up your legs until his thumbs hooked into the top of your pantyhose.

"Let's make it quick, mi querida," He instructed in a whisper while rolling the thin coverings carefully off your limbs, and you squealed in delight at your success.

\---

“What took you so long?” Olivia never had to wait for the ADA to come along, but her concerns were waived to the wayside as he glided past her and the others while toting a large coffee. Noting his attire, dapper street clothes and a leather jacket instead of the suits they were all so used to, she decided to pry; "and what are you all dressed up for?" He scoffed at her, going to work unlocking his office door.

“You’re lucky I’m even here.” Barba meant it as a joke, really, but he couldn’t help how true the statement was. Nosy Rollins noticed an oddity beyond his clothing though, and came sneaking up behind him. She slid a finger into his jacket's collar, and pulled at the material just enough to showcase a small bruise surrounded by red lipstick before he had the opportunity to slap her hand away.

“Looks like we’re not the only lucky ones,” Rollins mused before biting the inside of her cheek, causing some chuckling from the other detectives. It only earned her a sly smirk from Barba, and a short wiggle of a shoulder shrug. He was obviously not at all embarrassed, unlike Carisi, who covered his face with his hands.

“There’s plenty where that came from,” Barba took a seat in his chair after winking at her, and followed the act by stretching his arms behind his head, “Speaking of- there better be more action here than where I was, or I’m never answering my phone for any of you again.” Propping his feet up on his desk, his attention turned to Olivia, and he eagerly nodded her way, “What do you have for me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Te voy a mostrar tu perezoso." // “I’ll show you lazy.”  
> "Te ves tan hermosa," // “You look so beautiful,”  
> "Hueles a rosas y miel," // “You smell of roses and honey,”  
> "Podría besarte hasta que las estrellas cayeron del cielo." // "I could kiss you until the stars fell from the sky."  
> "Siempre un mal momento," // "Always a bad time,"


	8. Misterios, Secrets Are No Fun

"Any chance you spoke to Raf... Barba, lately?" 

"He still hasn't called you?" You knew this was a mistake. It had been a few days since you and Rafael had last spoke, but you had assumed work must have just taken a busy turn. Of course, the gaps in seeing him weren't strange, but he usually would at least text you so you knew he still cared that you existed. "I mean, yea, there's a big case going on-" Sonny was lounged across your love seat, slurping at Chinese food as you sat cross-legged on the foot of your bed. 

"Well maybe he's just concentrating," you mumbled mostly to yourself, but your thoughtful cousin shook his head. Not good enough for him. 

"No no no, that's no excuse," He spoke through bites of fried rice, shaking his chopsticks your direction to show his immense disapproval. "I'll talk to him," Sonny began to nod in satisfaction at his new plan, "figure out what's up with his short little-"

"Don't you dare!" You lobbed a kamikaze throw pillow his direction, and Carisi blindly ducked to avoid the assault while protecting his plate. "You'll embarrass me, forget I said anything!" 

"I won't!" He insisted, glaring angrily at you for nearly making him spill his food. "I'm just going to see what his problem is, it'll be alright-"

"How's Rollins?" You interrupted starkly, perking an accusing eyebrow as he tried to maintain an angry face through his mouthful of chicken he had just downed. He chewed slowly, thoughtfully, as he leered at you. It had been both pleasant and damning for you to be spending so much time around his work comrades. 

"Fine," Sonny finally gave in, and went to snapping open a fortune cookie he had sat on the table by the wilting flowers Barba had left you. "I won't say anything..." 

\---

"Have you told her?" Olivia had joined Barba at his request, a little bar that he was a common face at down the street from the precinct. 

"Of course not," Barba tapped at the edge of the counter, signifying to the bartender to get him another drink. "But that’s irrelevant." 

"Not necessarily," the Lieutenant repeated his motion, ordering a whiskey for herself. "When someone cares about you, it's nice to keep them in the loop if something's wrong." She placed her purse on the other side of her, "Sweet people tend to personalize things they don't know." 

He ran his fingertip along the edge of his glass, as he had seen you do plenty of times with your wine. "I don't want to scare her." Well, he was more afraid of scaring you off. The idea of confessing sounded like telling you the ground you stood on could disappear in a sink hole- he'd hope you'd step away, if he wasn't stuck standing there no matter which path you took. 

Olivia chuckled, "Well how's avoiding her going?" 

"Dreadful," He took a hefty drink, and idly glanced at his phone to notice a new text from you that he was trying to ignore. He was already too drunk to bite his tongue- and the last thing he needed was to ruin your view of him, or to let you see him as a coward. "It's that feeling like when you think you left the gas stove on- perpetual doom and an annoying sense of forgetting something." 

"You should tell her," Olivia advised, and smiled upon receipt of her own beverage. She cheered Barba's glass, and they both took a swig, before she nodded again and concreted her suggestion; "You should tell her for her own good." 

\---

You had thought it would be a pleasant surprise- Barba had forgotten a book he was studying at your apartment about a week ago, and you hadn't gotten a chance to see him since. You knew he had court today, that was the whole reason he had brought work with him while visiting in the first place, so you assumed he needed the text sooner in lieu of later. You sat quietly outside the doors leading into the court room, waiting patiently for the group to be adjourned so you could drop off the book and be on your way. After all, you didn't want to interfere in his work day. 

Per the usual, everyone left the court room in a rush as soon as they were dismissed. Some people were crying, you noticed solemnly, but tried your best to keep your attention to yourself. Sentencing could be hard for anyone, for a multitude of reasons, so you could only imagine who those tears fell for. A few larger men were brought out handcuffed, with police flanking their sides; one even blew an air kiss your way in a threatening fashion, chuckling with his comrades after he noticed you flinch. You shivered, hugging Barba's book closer to your chest, hoping he'd hurry. 

" _Your Name_ ," Fin's eyes were wide when he noticed you in your seat, and you eagerly rose to your feet in gratitude for the familiar voice. 

"Officer, hello!” You waved towards the apparently flustered detective, “have you seen-" Before you could go on, he rapidly stepped closer, and you were slightly intimidated by the look on his face. Tutola had always been kind to you, but he was usually much warmer, now he appeared almost frustrated with your appearance there. 

"Does he know you're coming?" He whispered, placing a hand on your back and politely leading you away from the incoming traffic of people pouring out of the court room. You tried to turn so you could face the crowd, but was refused by Fin grabbing hold of your arms to keep your back to the doors. 

"N-no..." You stammered through your confusion, looking over your shoulder to see if you had missed Rafael as you were scooted along. "He left a book at my place so-"

" _Your Last Name_?" Barba finally joined you, and you smiled warmly just at the sight of him. To your utter humiliation, it was met with a cold glare and an even colder shoulder- was he upset at you? This was likely a bad idea. 

"I-uh..." Fin scratched at the back of his neck while you stuttered, seemingly more aware of something than you were. "I have your book..." You held out the text, and Barba seemed to frown when he read the cover. He quickly pressed at the button calling the elevator, and eased his way behind you so he stood in the space between you and the rest of the people that had gathered; successfully hiding you from most of the chaos. 

"Ah, right," He finally responded coolly, taking the book from you and pretending to pay specific attention to the inside cover. It was painfully obvious he was making an effort not to appear interested in your existence, which made the tension build until you thought it could be cut with a knife. "Do you have a moment to speak in my office?" 

"Sure," Your voice held so many questions, he couldn't even bring himself to look at you- and he didn't say another word the entire ride up to his floor. Barba flipped idly through the pages of the returned goods, motioning lightly towards his office door once you two reached the entrance. You obliged, slipping in before he promptly locked the doors behind you. He carefully pulled the blinds so nobody could see inside the glass, and then turned fiercely to your direction. 

You froze like a deer in the headlights; it felt like you were in the principal's office. "What the Hell do you think you're doing?" Rafael asked roughly, successfully cornering you as you took steps backwards to match each stride he took your way. With your back literally against the wall, you shrugged your shoulders, still unsure of the transgression you apparently committed. 

"I'm sorry, I thought you'd need it-" You whimpered apologetically, nibbling on your bottom lip as you cast your gaze down to stare at your shoes; ashamed. "I didn't think you'd mind me coming here, I'm sorry-"

" _Your Name_ ," He spoke sternly, yet it still felt better than when he had impersonally used your last name moments ago. Grabbing hold of your chin, he forced your eyes back into his, in hopes he could explain his cold attitude in the corridors; "Do you know the type of people I send away?" You did, but the conviction in his voice made the villains sound more real than they ever had before. "Rapists, murderers, con men... they're all in that court room," He pointed with his free hand in the direction you came, anger towards the miscreants tangible with every word; "and they all leave that court room after I do a damn good job at what I do." Involuntary tears pricked at your eyes as his voice raised, and you closed them to try and stifle the sadness as he berated you for your lack of thinking and consideration. 

Contrary to your expectations for more lectures, Rafael pulled you tightly into an embrace, and you lay your head on his chest as he absently combed his fingers through your hair. "The very, very last thing I want, mi querida;" His tone softened back to the calm lull you were used to, and he held you out at arm's length so he could look into your wet eyes- "Is anyone with any malicious intent to see how much you mean to me... These cretins are ruthless." You nodded slowly, feeling a little bit better; but his explanation almost left you with more questions than answers. Why was he so scared? 

"¿Tu me entiendes?" Barba asked gently, using his thumbs to wipe away some tears that fell onto your cheeks. 

Your brows furrowed; "What?" You asked through a hiccup, which finally earned you the handsome smile you had missed so much in the last few days. 

"Nothing," Rafael chuckled at the little irony, and pulled you closer to kiss your pout, then your nose and your cheek bones where your tears had fallen. "Let me get my jacket," He suggested briskly, running his hands up and down your arms in hopes of consoling you. Of course, he hadn't meant to upset you- but he wanted you to understand his side of the coin he faced, even if he didn’t seem to want to show you where it came from. "Let's go out to dinner, okay? We can go to that Italian place you like..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "¿Tu me entiendes?" // "Do you understand me?"


	9. Gala

"Oh, this looks nice," Olivia held a maroon dress up to you, trying to imagine what it would look like once you had it on. "Modest and sleek, red and sexy," She smiled reassuringly at your skeptical face. Rafael had asked her a 'personal favor' in exchange for a rather iffy warrant she was hoping for. Apparently that favor included helping you go shopping. 

There was a gala coming up, which you knew he dreaded, but he had asked you to come with him after a great deal of hesitation. For all professional and media purposes, it would be the first time you and the ADA would be going somewhere remotely important together. You figured it was an attempt at making up for how he treated you when you surprised him at the Court House. Upon realizing this, the entire ordeal seemed overwhelming, but you didn't want to disappoint. 

"You think so?" You stepped a bit closer to her, wheeling little Noah along in his stroller so he could face you. "Do you think Rafael will like it?"

It was odd hearing you call him by his first name, so odd that it took Olivia a split second to respond. "Oh yea, he'll definitely love it," she carefully draped the gown over the handles of the stroller, and then moved along to a similar suggestion in navy blue. Again, she held up the outfit, before scrunching her nose and replacing it on the rack. "So how serious are things getting with you two?" 

Your cheeks went red, and you absently shrugged in response. It was hard to tell, really, since though you two had been dating for a few months now- you still maybe only saw him twice or thrice a week. "I think he'd be better to ask," you had almost whispered it, but the answer certainly seemed to steal Olivia's attention.

"Don't let him get to you, it's hard to date when you're in this kind of work," She was trying to be reassuring, but it was only repeated information. You had known what you were getting into, but that didn't make the absences seem any easier. "How serious are you hoping it gets?" Olivia asked nosily, feigning apathy by checking a price tag on a shawl.

More questions you didn't know the answer to. Why was everyone interrogating you lately? "I liked the maroon," you confirmed while carefully running a fingertip along the silk lining the inside, idly thinking back to when Barba had told you how you would look good in 'rojo'. 

"Me too," Benson and you traveled over to the dressing rooms, and she took a seat in the waiting area so she could play with Noah while you tried on the couple of dresses you two had found.

"Should I look at jewelry?" You fingered the detailed beading on the breast of the dress she had found. "I guess a necklace may be much, but maybe a pair of earrings-"

"No," your shopping partner vehemently disagreed, taking you aback a bit at how strongly she felt towards the suggestion. "No, no, I don't think you'll need to buy any earrings..."

\--- 

"I think you're the first person I've ever dated," You were leaned over his bathroom counter, working on putting gold earrings in that Barba had surprised you with just a few minutes earlier. "Who takes longer to get ready than I do." You’d been ready for at least twenty minutes now, but in his defense- you’d been at his place waiting for him for at least thirty before he even arrived. 

"Good things come with time." He was also primping and prepping, but now beaming at your reflection in the mirror at your little jab. "Can't let you outshine me too much, especially in that bombshell of a dress," he teased, pulling out a drawer to reveal a small collection of cufflinks. Hovering for a moment, he finally decided on a pair, and worked on hooking them into his shirt sleeves. "Do you like them?" 

You had been admiring the new jewelry, apparently a bit too obviously, but you nodded graciously in response. "I do, they're beautiful," you complimented him on his choice of gifts, and carefully placed a light kiss on his jaw line. "Thank you." He smiled smugly after you did so, using his left hand to lie on your cheek and turn your face to the mirror, so your two reflections stared back at you. 

"We look damn good," Barba bragged boldly, and you couldn't help but laugh as his ego started to show. 

\---

"You ready?" Rafael had expected the big turnout; the gala was being hosted for a prominent Senator's charity, a rather typical Cancer Donation ordeal. However, all the flashing cameras and media fury was a surprise to you- you assumed he conveniently forgot to mention them. 

"I can just hide behind you, right?" You asked cautiously, but he devilishly shook his head to confirm your escape path was futile. 

"Are you kidding me?" Barba leaned over, kissing your cheek since he didn't want to get lipstick on him before the media got their photographs. It was good for a gala to get so much coverage, and he knew there would be plenty of pictures. "You're the belle of the ball, why would I bring such a caliente date if not to show her off?" He softly ran his fingertips along the back of your hand, trying to pout and charm his way out of his trickery. 

"You're awful," you teased before he took a firm hold of your hand. 

"You’re beautiful." Barba placed his lips on your knuckles, bringing the smile he missed back to your face. “You ready?” You nodded solemnly, taking a deep breath to calm your nerves. "It's just a quick stop in front of the cameras and then we go inside and get champagne." 

"I'm ready," you confirmed finally, and he wasted no time whisking you out of the car before you changed your mind. “There better be lots of champagne…”

\---

As soon as toasts were over, Tucker spoke; "So, Barba," Ed Tucker, you had decided, was terrifying. Not in a literal sense, he actually seemed to be quite nice under the over-authoritative exoskeleton, but something about him just rubbed you the wrong way. Thankfully, his presence meant Olivia’s as well, and some female backup was helpful for such a new situation. "I have to say, I didn't expect you to have such a pretty date for tonight." 

Rafael returned the back-handed compliment with a sneer, and you turned towards Olivia in hopes of keeping yourself out of the tension. "Well, you know, I like to keep it fresh," Barba advised, before motioning over to Olivia; "I didn't know she'd be bringing such a pretty date either." 

Benson rolled her eyes while Tucker simply took another drink. Your sweet savior finally grabbed hold of your arm. "Let's let the boys duke it out while we get refreshments," Olivia suggested, and you very graciously nodded along in agreement. 

"Don't be long," Barba begged, and you waved your fingers coquettishly at him as you walked off with the Lieutenant, leaving your beau grinning before turning attention back to Tucker. He definitely looked less than excited

Grinning, Olivia leaned her head against yours; "I don't think I've ever seen him smile so much outside of a 'guilty' verdict." It wasn’t the first time you had heard that tonight- apparently Rafael has been excessively more pleasant with you accompanying him than most were accustomed to. “I don’t think the media even recognized him.” 

You picked up a glass from a wandering waiter, handing it off to your new friend before getting one for yourself. "He's sweet," You agreed modestly, and pulled on your own earlobe to draw her eyes to the jewelry he had given you. "You knew about these?" 

"Knew about them?" Olivia laughed, taking a sip of champagne; "I helped him pick those out, he was so nervous I thought we were going to look at rings." She could feel you tense up at the suggestion, but it seemed to amuse her more than anything. "Don't worry, Barba never rushes anything." 

"You're telling me," You mused while looking over Olivia's shoulder; Tucker may be talking, but Rafael was obviously still staring at you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "caliente" // "hot"


	10. Te amo?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I usually don't pop out two in a day, but I won't be able to get on over the weekend most likely; hope you enjoy :). My story has surpassed 600 hits and I'm beyond grateful; I hope everyone's enjoying it thus far! There's plenty more to come and a few new chapters / drabbles already drafted and ready.

It was really, awfully late. So late, in fact, you had already fallen asleep before the pounding on your front door roused you. You took a look at the time; a little after three in the morning. ‘The witching hour where nothing good happens’; you could hear Sonny's knowledgeable advice ringing in your ear, and so you debated leaving your surprise company with a non-answer. 

" _Your Name_ ," You heard slurred through the wood. Perhaps you were mistaken, but the thought that it was Barba sent you sitting straight up in the bed. 

"Rafi?" Climbing out of the safety of your comforters, you went to pull a black robe over your chemise. The name was met with a fist slamming on the door again. You hadn’t seen him since the gala about a week ago, something about a dreadful case he was working on. 

"May I come in?" He asked loudly while his words faded into the others, and it almost sounded as if he had been crying. You quickly crossed the room, taking a cautionary peek out of the peephole to make sure you weren’t making a mistake. 

He looked awful. Well, much less composed than you were accustomed to. His hair was a wreck, disheveled all sorts of ways. His tie had been loosened, and his suit was wrinkled- he must have been drinking for a while now. 

"Rafael?" You asked gently upon opening the door for his entry. Immediately, he embraced you, and you were overwhelmed with the scent of bourbon and old cologne. You welcomed the affection, even as it sent you tumbling backwards, until you had your back against the wall and Barba hanging from you. 

"I'm sad," He finally confessed, and you gently gave him enough of a shove to force him to stand. He caught his balance momentarily, placing a wary hand on the table beside him to keep himself vertical. 

"I thought it wasn't your job to get sad," You joked lightly, nodding towards your bed in the corner of the studio. This wasn’t how you’d imagined a surprise visit from him would go, but you’d take it. "You should get some sleep, Rafi." 

"I'm not sad," Barba clarified in a contradictory whisper, and followed your previous suggestion by dragging his feet towards your bed while busy fingers went to fidgeting with his tie. 

"Then, what are you?" You followed behind him, in no particular rush, and you smiled sympathetically as he continued struggling with his work clothes. Once he sat on the foot of your bed, you climbed up with him, placing knees on either side of his legs so you sat in his lap facing him. “Besides drunk…”

"I can't say," He was whispering still, which you found odd, but you were too distracted by helping him with his tie and cufflinks. Expertly, you managed to undo the loops, and you sat his accessories on your bedside drawer before working on the buttons of his dress shirt. "No quiero que te pase nada." 

"Well then," you matched his hushed tone, hoping to keep him comfortable enough to keep talking, hopefully in English this time; "Why don't you tell me why you drank so much tonight?" 

He reclined a bit, hands out behind him and holding him up as he graciously watched you work on disrobing him; "Because I'm scared." 

Scared? Rafael certainly had your attention now. You kept a poker face of calm while delicately sliding his shirt down his arms, to join his jacket and tie on your drawer. "Why scared, Rafael?" 

Without answering you, he pulled you in for a hug, interrupting you from undoing his belt for him. You allowed him to coddle you, not quite understanding what convinced him to be so affectionate, but you welcomed any attention he bestowed. "Tengo miedo de lo que podría suceder," Rafael dragged you down with him as he fell onto his back, and you giggled while finally undoing the buckle. 

"Let's sleep, Rafi," You realized he likely wouldn't indulge you with an answer or translation; even when drunk, he always seemed to have some wits about him. You wouldn’t condescend him by trying to trick him while he was incapacitated. In hopes he'd follow, you slid back into the comfort of your blankets, and were delighted as Barba crawled over to join you. 

"Para mi significas el mundo." He spoke in your ear as you shamelessly snuggled yourself up against his chest, it felt so much nicer to sleep in his arms instead of alone. "Creo que te amo," it sounded like he was muttering to himself and you could only imagine what was pouring out of that drunken mind of his. "Te amo," Rafael kissed your shoulder blade, "te amo," another kiss, "te amo con todo mi corazón.” 

"Rafi," You cooed, reaching a hand up so you could lay your palm against his cheek. He nuzzled into your touch, his five o' clock shadow tickling your fingertips. "Darling, we'll talk in the morning." He slid a hand up your chemise so he could place his palm flush against where your heart beat inside your chest. “Tonight, we rest.” 

"Tu eres lo mejor que me ha pasado." Apparently he disagreed, and so you let him lull you to sleep with the song of words only he knew the meaning to; "Estaría perdido sin ti." 

\---

"What does 'te amo' mean?" You were helping Sonny file away papers. You two had made plans to see his sister that evening, and he told you he'd be able to leave in half the time if you helped him finish the desk duties. It worked. There were four of you in the squad room; Rollins and Amaro had stayed behind to catch up before Nick went back to California, and were sitting on desks alongside the filing cabinets you worked at. 

"Te amo?" Nick asked curiously, both correcting your pronunciation and confirming that you really meant that exact phrase. "Why?" 

"Just curious," You couldn't recall everything Rafael had told you the night before- but the small repetition stuck with you enough to make you wonder. He had said it multiple times, so you assumed it held some sort of important meaning. Surprisingly, the other Spanish-speaker appeared excessively interested. 

"Context?" Amaro was smirking smugly, and it left you only more confused. Was it crude? A blush rose to your cheeks as you considered the situation it was said in; with Barba trashed and cuddling you after you undressed him. This probably wasn’t the best idea. 

"Never mind," You quickly dismissed your own question, finishing up a stack of paperwork before slamming the drawer shut and causing your unsuspecting cousin to jump. 

Nick followed you persistently after you were done, apparently still focused on your requested translation. "Who said it to you?" 

"Don't worry about it," You huffed, elbowing Sonny to convince him to go along and gather his things. "I was just curious," You insisted roughly, shrugging with your hands in the air to try and prove exactly how little you cared about it anymore. Nick’s smile wouldn’t fade, and it was then that you settled on a scary truth- he knew what it meant while you were still in the dark.

"Alright, alright, let's go," Carisi conceded once he noticed the odd look on your face, and he nodded towards the door while shouldering his suitcase. 

You followed closely, stepping into the elevator Amanda had called shortly before the rest of you left the unit. You stood alongside a still smirking Nick, behind Carisi and Rollins as they attempted to inconspicuously steal glances from each other. The two left quickly after arriving on the first floor, and you intended to follow, but Nick placed a hand on your shoulder to keep you behind just a few extra seconds. 

"Te amo," he repeated the corrected phrase in a whisper, apparently ready to give you the answer you had been seeking, "it means: 'I love you.'"

You froze in your steps, glaring up at Nick as he nonchalantly followed the rest of the group. Was he joking with you? He glanced back over his shoulder, grinning devilishly at his new secret knowledge while motioning for you to follow everyone else before the elevator shut. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "No quiero que te pase nada." // "I don't want anything to happen to you."  
> "Tengo miedo de lo que podría suceder," // "I'm afraid of what might happen."  
> "Para mi significas el mundo." // "You mean the world to me."  
> "Creo que te amo," // "I think I love you,"  
> "Te amo" // "I love you."  
> "Te amo con todo mi corazón" // "I love you with all my heart."  
> "Tu eres lo mejor que me ha pasado." // "You are the best thing to happen to me."  
> "Estaría perdido sin ti." // "I'd be lost without you."


	11. Puppy

"Do you remember coming by about a week or so ago?" You were sitting on the corner of his desk while he reviewed some paperwork Olivia had dropped off with him before you arrived. Rafael had asked you to meet him at his office so you two could go to dinner afterwards, but an hour into waiting for him to 'finish up' was starting to let your mind wander. Apparently being ignored ignited your general annoyance, too- who'd have guessed?

"Mhmmm," He didn't even look up from the document he was examining, but it was clear he knew the exact evening you were talking about. "I woke up alone, though, that wasn't very nice."

"I had to go to work," you giggled at his subtle berating, before nervously continuing on. "But do you remember what you said to me?"

Finally, Barba glanced up from the paper, and caught your stare with his own. This was the most attention he had given you since you first arrived. "I said a lot of things," he admitted cooly as he leaned back in his chair, confidently placing his hands behind his head. "Do YOU remember what I said to you?"

Now that you had an active audience, you were almost embarassed. "Some of it,"

Before you could even think, he quipped back; "Which 'Some'?"

"Nothing," you hopped off of the desk to shield your agitation, excusing yourself from the apparent deposition you had gotten yourself caught up in. Is it ever possible to have a plain conversation with him? "Nothing, Rafael, don't worry about it." 

Barba stood with a smug look, following you as you wandered off towards his fire place- it felt as if the more space you ever tried to put between you two, he always only came closer. "Mi querida," He spoke gently, wrapping his arms around you from behind and clasping his hands in front of your stomach. You remained stubbornly silent, tilting your head to the left as he littered the right side of your neck with kisses.

"If I recall," He swayed with you his arms, beginning a slight dance as he tried to reconsider all the thoughts he had shared that evening that he should consider shedding some light on, "I told you about how; para mi significas el mundo." He let go so he could rest his hands on your shoulders. "How you mean the world to me," Rafael sat his chin in the curve where your throat met your collarbone. "And how; usted es el mejor que puede pasar a mí," He smiled; "You are the best thing to happen to me."

You would have been mortified if he saw your Cheshire grin his little admissions had painted on your face. "Anything else?" You asked naively, turning to face him and beaming up expectantly.

"Hmm," He pressed his forehead against yours, before raising your chin so you'd be forced to look up at him. "I know I said 'Creo que te amo,'" he rolled his green eyes to the ceiling and chewed on the inside of his cheek; "but now I know I didn't mean it."

Your heart sunk, you weren't sure of the words surrounding your little secret weapon, but the prognosis seemed grim. "And what does that mean?" You managed grumpily through the lump in your throat.

"It means; 'I _think_ I love you'," Rafael smiled at how your face dropped, enjoying the little bit of power he had to steer the conversation. You were looking too pleased with yourself. "But I was wrong," He took your hands in his own, and traced the indents of your palms with his thumbs, trying to see himself in your life line. You debated just leaving him to enjoy his own games- how dare he play with your heart like that? You waited for him, always, like a puppy sitting at the back door for Master to come home. What right did he have to pull on your heart strings?

"Because, te amo;" For once, it was Rafael who blushed, and he actually trembled as his rare nerves sparked fire through his veins. "Definitivamente te amo," He couldn't look you in the eyes, but before he could offer the translation he had intended to give, you excitedly rocked to your tip toes to kiss him. It felt as if the weight of the world had lifted from his shoulders, and he sighed against your lips once you two paused.

"I love you too, Rafi," You whispered while draping your arms over his shoulders. "Well, te amo..."

\---

"Shhhhhhh," Rafael jokingly covered your face with his hands, muffling your questions as you tried to convince him to let you know what was going to happen in the movie you two were watching. He had seen it 'plenty of times before', apparently, and you were never one who could keep from squirming during a scary film. 

"But I just wanna know if the doggie will be okay," you whispered through a gap in his fingertips, but he only chuckled at your insistence to be let in on the secret. "Why would you leave your puppy out when you think someone's stalking you and threatening you-"

"Just be patient, for once," he spoke quickly, grumbling in Spanish under his breath as the music began to crescendo while the actor fixed his glasses on the screen. You had successfully convinced Barba to come over, despite how he was apparently so busy with some 'dire' case that was taking up everyone's time at SVU. You hadn't quite noticed how dependent you had become on the squad for company, but with your cousin and your dear friend both preoccupied, you had found life in New York to be rather lonely. 

"Shh," he insisted again, coiling both of his arms around your waist so he could pull you closer, and he placed little smooches on the back of your neck. The motion sent a chill down your spine, the good kind, and you giggled while squirming satisfyingly into your position as the little spoon. 

To your horror, all of your inquiries came to light with the rampant echo from the orchestra pit of the soundtrack; the dog you had been so worried about didn't make it to the next scene alive. Your grip on Rafael's arms tightened dramatically, and you cried out loud as little crybaby tears found their way to your eyes. 

"Awee, mi querida," He sounded condescending, and was likely trying feebly to mask it, but he hid your face in his chest after you obstinately turned your back to the television. "Shhh, it's just the puppy, _Your Name_ , it'll be okay." At least in this position, you couldn’t see him laugh at you. 

"Why do they always kill the dog!?" You whined further, childishly wiping at your eyes once you were starting to get over the awful scene. "It's always people that are the murderers- or aliens, or something..." You let Barba cradle your face against him, and you could tell he was trying not to chuckle when you finally looked back up at him through red eyes. "The dogs never do anything but die..." 

"It’s Dogma, puppy prejudice," Rafael explained, running one of his hands up and down your spine while gazing into your glossy stare. You snuggled in closer to him, hiding your giggling and blush by burying your face into his shirt. He left kisses along your face; until he made you jump with a quick, shameless nip at the soft lobe of your ear. 

"I want a puppy," you finally managed after turning back to the television; his affectionate attention was enough to at least convince you to finish the movie with him. "And I'd never let it go outside if I thought some creepy guy was stalking me. And it would sleep in bed with me every night, and I'd snuggle him all the time, and I'd get it a pretty collar, and I'd-"

You heard Rafael laugh at your vibrant promises to this nonexistent pup, and he wrapped an arm over your chest so he could secure you back in the spot you had been in before the apparently-emotionally-damaging ordeal. "I've never wanted to be a dog so bad..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fairly certain all Spanish is translated within the text. :)


	12. Mama Lucia

Rafael had already knocked, but immediately turned to look you over again as you awaited an answer. Quickly; he fluffed your hair, and used a thumb to straighten your apparently smudged lipstick, before smoothing out the collar of your jacket. You raised an eyebrow at him, which he caught a second too late, and smiled apologetically. "I'm just nervous," he whispered, and you could tell he was being honest. 

"I should be the nervous one," you responded quietly, before leaning up to kiss his chin. He rolled his eyes; going to rub off what he assumed would be a lip print. You giggled, bumping into him with your hip; "Don't worry, it's the good stuff- nothing's on you." You’d never seen him so jumpy before, so eager to impress. He was usually a bit arrogant, you called it Pride, but now he was squirming in his shoes. 

"¿Por qué me torturas?" Barba mumbled under his breath before kissing your head over your hair. As if on que, the door slung open the moment he pulled away, and the most vibrant smile you had ever seen beamed across his face. It was beautiful. 

"RAFI!" The woman cheered, "Mi dulce niño!" She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly despite the bags hanging from his arms. He didn't mind, and carefully wobbled his way through the door with his mother hanging from his neck. 

"¿Dónde están ti guantes?" She asked quickly, glancing down and grabbing hold of his cold hands in her own. Rafael kissed her cheeks, and slowly worked on abandoning his packages while nodding your way. 

"Ahora no, madre." He grabbed hold of her arm to calm her before physically turning her so her attention would fall on you; "Madre, this is a dear friend of mine," Rafael explained, motioning for you to come over towards them. You obliged, smiling politely while holding out a hand to shake under your own packages. " _Your Name_ , this is my mother, Lucia... the most important woman in the world." 

"It's such an honor to meet you," You managed nervously, but were surprised when she didn't take your hand- but instead unblushingly engulfed you in a tight hug, nearly causing you to drop the cake you had been holding in your arms. Thankfully, Rafael fixed the struggle, and caught a grip onto the pan so he could take it from you and place it on the counter- apparently he expected the warm greeting. 

"Mi querida, te miran!" Lucia only let you go so she could cup your face in her hands, and she boldly twisted your chin to and fro as she admired you. "¡Eres tan hermosa!" She cheered, and your eyes darted quickly to Rafael as your nervous smile persisted. He could tell you were looking for a translation- but he thought this was too fun. "¿Cómo ha encontrado una dama tan encantadora, Rafi?" 

"No no, madre, she doesn't speak Spanish;" He finally intervened, placing a hand on her back as she apologetically nodded in understanding. 

"Good to know," Lucia cooed, again hugging you against her; "I was just telling Rafi how beautiful you are, mi querida." 

You blushed, embarrassed in the best of ways, and straightened your spine when she finally let you go. "You're so sweet, it's obvious where Rafael gets his charm," You complimented while glancing his way- he was beaming proudly at you while working on uncorking a bottle of wine he had brought along. "And his good looks." 

Lucia laughed aloud, filling the apartment with the golden warmth you missed from your own home sweet home. "Oh you're precioso," she cheered while patting onto your arm, pulling you along from the kitchen and into the living room. "Take a seat, please, make yourself oh so comfortable- RAFI!" As soon as she forced you to settle into an arm chair, she was yelling for her son, and quickly making her way back to the kitchen. Absently, you wondered if she was always so active or just excited. 

"Rafi! Date prisa con el vino." You couldn't decide what she had said, but he responded with a few rapid 'okay, mama’s and you could hear the pop of the loosened cork. "Nunca mantenga una hermosa niña de espera." 

\--- 

Dinner had been lovely, as had the conversation. Well, at least what you had understood of it. You were starting to feel under the impression that Lucia saved her Spanish usage for making quips at her son- both of them spoke quickly no matter what language they switched to. It was almost like poetry, a beautiful song where only parts made sense, but it was amusing to listen to even if you didn't quite comprehend it all. 

"Mama, no," Rafi hissed in warning after a question she had asked him aloud in Spanish, something about a 'nieto', and he even paused from eating to do so. You were making mental notes, the best you could, of the phrases that elicited the most reaction. You figured you'd google them later, if you could remember to after all the wine. 

"Solo preguntaba..." Lucia mumbled mostly to herself, before aiming the end of her fork his direction, "Sólo quiero un nieto." She wagged the silverware at him, and you raised your eyebrows at the serious tone in her voice. "Eventualidad." 

"Mama, no," Rafael insisted again, before smiling across the table at you to change the conversation. You'd have to ask him about it later. "So, _Your Name_ is from the Midwest." 

"The Midwest?" Lucia asked curiously, looking your way for further explanation. "Is that where all your family is, too?" She placed her hands in her lap, “Rafi says you don’t have very much familia here in the city.” 

You nodded a bit, dabbing at your lips with a napkin before speaking; "Most of them, my cousin is nearby though." 

You were rather succinct, so she pushed further; "It must be hard, being so far from your madre," she had a tendency of mixing the languages, but thankfully you knew that one. You simply shrugged your shoulders, the surprise in your apathy obvious in her face. "Are you not close with your mother?" 

Flinching, you bought a moment to think by taking a drink of your water. Both eyes had fallen onto you, the same stare pairing up against you in a set of two. Obviously their relationship was immaculate, and you weren't sure how your own family history would affect their views of you. "I grew up mostly with my father," You finally admitted vaguely before eagerly working to switch things up. 

"If everyone's done, I can go get dessert," You offered while rising from your seat, much to the delight of Lucia. She clapped her hands together and began to assist you, but you gently placed a hand on her shoulder to suggest she take her seat. "No, no, I've got it Mrs Barba," you insisted while picking up the plate from in front of her. 

"Oh darling, call me Lucia, please;" She placed her hand atop yours, patting it gently in thanks before you continued to collect the dishes in front of Rafael as well. After you left for the kitchen, you could hear her whisper another phrase you'd have to look up later. 

"Creo que ella maravillosa," Lucia cooed while graciously taking both of Rafael's hands in her own. A smile overcame his features, and he looked like an excited little boy reveling in his mother's praises. "Es mejor asegurarse ella que sabe lo importante ella es." 

"Yo sé, mamá." He reassured her while leaning over to put another loving kiss on her rosy cheek. "Yo sé. 

\--- 

"I think she likes you more than me," Rafael joked as he crawled over alongside you. You both had decided to stay at her house overnight, in the living room on the couch that transformed to a bed after plenty of struggle on Barba's part. 

"What's a nieto?" You asked nosily while finishing off the last of your wine. He rolled his eyes at you, moving from his stomach to his back so he could see your face. 

"Out of everything we said, you held onto 'nieto'?" He teased, wrapping an arm around your thigh and shamelessly hugging himself to your leg. "Don't you want to know what she said about you, or what 'maravillosa' means?" 

Suddenly, 'nieto' seemed increasingly fascinating, since he didn’t appear to want to answer. "That too, por favor," you suggested lightly, and his head bolted up from lying on your thigh when he heard the poorly pronounced 'please' come his way. 

"Wow, you're catching on!" He praised your efforts and rose up, so he could give you a kiss for your apparently new-intelligence. "Nieto is 'grandson'," Rafael finally confessed in a whisper, snuggling his face into your neck and tickling you with his unshaved chin. "I told her there was plenty of time for that." 

"You want kids?" You asked in a whisper, which apparently seemed to focus his wandering mind enough to convince him to look you in the eyes. You could see the gears turn in his head, and he even chewed on the inside of his lip in the few moments of silence that transpired between you two. 

"I mean... yea," Rafael finally answered, sitting beside you as the conversation suddenly turned serious. "Eventually, though," he stammered, you couldn't tell if it was nerves or uncertainty tainting his tone. "Not any time soon, but." His eyes fell back on yours; "Do you?" 

"I guess," You hadn't really thought about it much. There was too much going on, between work and Rafael, for you to even consider a future family and little feet pattering through the halls. Where would you keep a baby in your studio, anyways? "Eventually," you agreed quickly, nodding your head to prove you both had the same thoughts in mind. 

Rafael pulled you into his arms, so your head could rest against his chest. "You'd be a wonderful mother," he complimented gently. "Una madre maravillosa." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "¿Por qué me torturas?" // "Why do you torture me?"  
> "Mi dulce niño!" // "My sweet boy!"  
> "¿Dónde están ti guantes?" // "Where are your gloves?"  
> "Ahora no, madre." // "Not now, mother."  
> "Mi querida, te miran!" // "My dear, look at you!"  
> "¡Eres tan hermosa!" // "You are so beautiful!"  
> "¿Cómo ha encontrado una dama tan encantadora, Rafi?" // "How did you find such a lovely lady, Rafi?"  
> "precioso" // "precious"  
> "Rafi! Date prisa con el vino!" // "Rafi! Hurry up with the wine!"  
> "Nunca mantenga una hermosa niña de espera." // "Never keep a beautiful girl waiting."  
> "Solo preguntaba..." // "Just asking..."  
> "Sólo quiero un nieto." // "I just want a grandson."  
> "Eventualidad." // "Eventually."  
> "Creo que ella maravillosa," // "I think she's wonderful,"  
> "Es mejor asegurarse ella que sabe lo importante ella es." // "You better make sure that she knows how important it is."  
> "Yo sé, mamá." // "I know, mama."  
> "Una madre maravillosa." // "A wonderful mother."


	13. Executive Decisions

Barba was staring damningly at the map Amanda had laid out across his desk. 

"Do you notice something?" Rollins leaned curiously over his shoulder- it was rare for the ADA to be at a loss of words, but this time he'd been silent for at least five minutes. Something must either be wrong or inspiring.

He slammed his fist onto the top of his desk, making Amanda jump and smearing some of the red lines that she had so carefully placed around the spots where bodies had been found. There was a serial rapist they were tracking, some brute abandoning girls in alley ways after having his way with them. 

"Ca-ri-si," Barba tapped furiously at the map with every syllable, bringing the detective's attention to the same mid-point the other three victim locations circled around. Carisi proudly came to take a look himself, and turned pale upon noticing the same issue the ADA had with the pin points.

"Damn..." Carisi trailed off, placing his hands on the back of his neck before walking away from the desk. Confused, Rollins decided she'd have better luck prying an explanation from him instead of Barba, and so she reassuringly pat a hand on his back.

"Carisi, what is it?" Amanda again peered at the map, still lost, but she couldn't pull Barba's attention off of the triangular hot-spot even if she wanted to.

"What do we do?" Sonny was chewing nervously on the inside of his cheek, and hoping Barba would have more answers than he did. The awkward silence continued, and Rollins finally smacked her partner on the back of the head, having to hop a little in order to reach. Frustrated, Carisi grunted at her, before letting her in on the secret; " _YourName_ lives in the apartment building the vics' alleys are surrounding."

Barba stood, slamming his palms on the desk before resolving on action. "She's moving in with you," He advised Carisi from the opposite end of the room while straightening his own tie. 

"Me?" Carisi was confused again, why would he want you moving in with him when you two had been seeing each other for so long now? "I live in a bachelor pad, I'd bet dollars to donuts that you have more room for her."

"Wait," Amanda flattened her hands once the lightbulb sparked above her head, and motioned to signify it was time to lay everything on the table. "Barba, you and _Your Name_ , you two are that serious?" The dawning of realization was evident in her eyes and her jaw dropped before she finished putting the puzzle pieces together. She had been successfully lied to regarding the gala photos; Benson had sworn she begged you to come along so Barba wouldn't look so 'dreary'. Carisi had told her something similar, but she thought he was just enjoying his idol's attention. "Does she know about the threats-"

"No, I need to talk to Olivia," Barba was suddenly ready to leave, and vibrantly motioned for both detectives to get out of his office so he could lock the door. "You are moving _Your Name_ into your apartment,” He pointed at poor Carisi; “and you should tell her I'll be there at 8."

"So maybe before midnight then?" Carisi sneered teasingly while strutting out the door with Rollins, and Barba glared at him from behind.

\---

"This is ridiculous," You stood stubbornly with your arms crossed in the middle of your studio, completely unhelpful while Sonny and Amanda diligently worked to put your things into boxes. They had barged in, and informed you that you were moving without any real explanation. "I still have three months on my lease; I'm not paying to break it." It was something to stand on, you decided, since you didn't really know what else you were protesting. It was hard to argue your way out of the unknown.

"You really think Barba can't get you out of a lease?" Amanda asked, giving you a look to make it clear she knew all about your two's relationship. Their only reasoning for uprooting you was that Barba told them so. How could you change their minds? "I've seen him charge a gay man with a hate crime; I don't think your lease should be a problem." She shoved a few more of your work dresses into the box she was working on and ignored your pouting as she closed the lid.

"Where's Rafael?" You had asked this multiple times already, but received non-answers upon each inquiry from the dynamic duo. Just like all the calls you had placed to him. Frustrated, Sonny finally dropped his box holding your books to the floor and threw his hands into the air as the loud crash echoed through your rafters.

"He's meeting you at my apartment at 8," He was tired of you arguing with them, this was all supposed to be for your good anyways. Though, Carisi did find it odd that you still weren’t let in on the problems Barba was facing, which made the situation all the more dire. And desperate "So you can moan at him about it then, but now, you're coming to my place."

"Bull," You stomped your foot, which Sonny recognized was a physical representation of you about to 'put your foot down'. He paused knowingly, leering at you while wondering what you had in mind. "If he says 8, I won't see him 'till 10." Leaving Carisi and Rollins to do whatever they deem would be best, you snatched for your phone and threw your purse over your shoulder. If they really wanted you to leave so bad, they could finish your packing.

"Where the Hell are you going?" Sonny already picked up the box he had discarded, and appeared exhausted with your theatrics. This wasn’t supposed to be so hard.

"To Rafael's." Your decision had been made, and you were texting him now to advise of the next course of action. If you had learned anything from Barba over the last handful of months- you had learned when to straighten your spine and demand an outcome. "You can either move my boxes twice, or follow me there," you advised lightly while shrugging your shoulders. If Rafael really thought transporting your life was all that important, then he could help you put it back together.

Amanda rolled her eyes, but couldn't help a smirk from sliding on her face- she was proud of you. She picked up a few of the lighter boxes, mostly what you deemed 'absolutely necessary' when they forced you to prioritize your things according to what you'd need for a month. "You two are perfect for each other," She teased while sliding out of the door you held open for them.

\---

Barba and Benson were at their familiar spot, drowning their worries with a mid-day beverage. "I really don't think it's all connected," she finally advised him reassuringly while staring at the photograph of the map he had brought along. "I see why you don't want her staying there, and I agree, but-"

"I don't either," Rafael smartly nodded along; glad to see they both came to the same conclusion. "I just think it's convenient." He turned off the screen, bringing the map out of the equation. "We go to the gala together, and then her apartment building gets plagued with rape incidents."

"Funny how coincidental things can seem," Olivia looked smugly up at her friend, "when someone you care so much about could be affected."

"Get off it," Barba tapped annoyedly at the counter, "I just needed someone smarter than the average bear to agree with me." He winked at his best friend, and she laughed in response.

"So I'm assuming you're making her leave?" Her answer was easily brought with a stern nod and eye roll from her companion, duh; "And where are you making her go?"

"With Cari-" His phone buzzed violently against the counter, signifying a text message instead of the phone calls he had silenced. Obviously, he had been ignoring your calls, figuring that you'd only protest and cause the ordeal to be stretched out longer if he answered. The words on his screen, though, made the color drain from his face.

"Carisi?" Olivia tried to finish his sentence, before nosily peering at the cell phone still on the bar.

"Apparently not," Rafael chugged his drink upon receipt, and spun the phone so Olivia could read the text you sent without having to snoop.

" _You made the decision,_ " She read your words out loud, an approving grin overtaking her face, " _You get the consequence. See you at home, Rafi._ And then a hair flip emoji." Olivia roared with laughter while pumping a fist into the air, apparently proud of you for the choice you made, and the ground you stood so firmly on. "Rafi? She calls you Rafi?"

"Esta chica va a ser la muerte de mí…” Barba held his face in his hands, trying to settle with the fact that he essentially just got tricked to move you in with him as a result of his own doing. Not exactly how he would have liked this to happen, but he wasn't really all too disappointed at the thought of you being there when he found time to attend to his own home. In fact, he was almost looking forward to seeing you more than just a few times a week- but he couldn't let anyone else know that. And what about the threats; it was convenient and reassuring knowing you slept so far away, how could he protect you when he was struggling to protect himself?

Olivia requested the bartender to close their tab, efficiently cutting Barba off before he could order anything else. "You better get home," She suggested gently, and he sighed dramatically in response.

"I better get home," He agreed gruffly, gathering his suitcase before hurrying out into the busy New York streets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Esta chica va a ser la muerte de mí.” // “This girl is going to be the death of me.”


	14. Domesticity

"So you've just independently decided that you're moving in here?" 

"YOU-" You wagged an accusatory finger at Barba's face, he didn’t flinch; "YOU are the one who independently decided I was leaving MY home." He had finally gotten back to his condo about forty minutes after you arrived, and he was starting to regret having ever given you a key. 

"No," He quickly disagreed, ready to play semantics, and used both arms to motion to poor Carisi who stood off in a corner, wishing he could shrink away. "We BOTH decided you were leaving your home." 

"I have three months left on that lease," The moment you spoke, Amanda rolled her eyes as you again brought up the only legal snag you seemed concerned about. "I'm not paying all that to break it because you and Sonny think I can't handle myself." 

"I will get you out of the damn lease or I will pay for it myself," Rafael barged past you, dropping his suitcase and a few files he held onto the sofa in his living room. "I'm just saying, OUR decision was made for your own good, and Carisi's place is perfect because-"

"YOU don't get to decide what's for MY own good," You were shouting now, and since he had the audacity to bring your cousin into the mess, you decided to do the same; "And he DEFINITELY doesn't get to decide what's for MY own good." 

"Hey, _Your Name_ , c'mon," Carisi walked towards you until you held a single finger up his way, signaling him to stop. He obeyed, but cautiously continued in Barba’s defense, "You can't live somewhere dangerous like that; we're only doing this because we care about you." 

"Fine," You were done with the discussion, angry tears falling down your cheeks as you tossed your hands into the air. "Perfectly fine, I'll go." 

Barba's face dropped, and he glared at you from across the room in mild annoyance. "What do you mean you'll go?" He didn’t like the sound of that, not one bit. 

"I'll go live with Sonny," you hissed, violently throwing the few items you had unpacked in Rafael's absence into a box. "I'll go live with Sonny just like you and Sonny decided. I'll leave." 

"Wh-" On one hand, he had gotten what he wanted, but suddenly the suggestion didn't quite seem to be playing out as he desired. Rafael was suddenly confused, he needed to buy time. Watching you pack your things up from his table, shelves, and drawers felt like staring into the sun: New game plan. 

"That is what you told her you wanted," Amanda surprisingly came to your aid, assisting you in gathering the boxes. She felt bad for you, the situation was rather screwy and she could see where your bad attitude was coming from. You were left in the dark and expected to follow people who didn’t want to give you a flashlight. "That's what you told us you wanted..." 

Barba snarled, literally, as Rollins spoke the truth. She was well aware of the threats he didn't want you involved in, and she certainly was not helping his case. "Stop all this," He took hurried steps towards you, unpacking the things you were tossing into the box by childishly taking them out and abandoning them to the floor, contradicting all the progress you had made. "Stop packing and just listen to me-"

"You're playing with me!" You accused, kicking the box you two were working in so it slid across the floor and out from between you. "You never make time for me but apparently you amo me-" you had said it wrong, and Barba harshly bit on his bottom lip to keep from laughing, "and now you throw me out of my home and make me move in with Sonny?!" 

"WHY is that the WORST thing that could be happening?" Sonny was even shouting now, since apparently that's the only way to get a word in around here, but he was quickly escorted from the building with Rollins leading the way by a hold on his wrist. 

"What do you want from me?" Barba raised his arms into the air, ready for the blow of your truth to hit him. "What do you want, _Your Name_ , what the Hell do you want?" 

"YOU, you idiot." The tears returned, angry salty sadness, and you shamelessly hid your face in your hands. "I don't WANT to live with Sonny, I'll NEVER see you if I go there, he lives on the opposite side of town," You turned away from your beau, missing how his face dropped at your pessimistic realization of geography- he hadn't even considered it. "If you wanted to just get rid of me, you could have said so." 

"Stop, please stop," Barba forced you into his arms, coiling around you and holding you still despite how you tried for those few moments to escape. After you finally relaxed, he began to comb his fingers through your hair. " _Your Name_ , every decision I make is for you, because I love you;" 

"Then why send me away?" 

"I won't." He confirmed, holding your face so you had no other choice but to look up into his eyes. "I won't send you away, you'll move in here." It felt cheap, as if he were just appeasing you, but he followed up the suggestion with plentiful little rainstorms of kisses. "I'm sorry, mi amor, I wasn't thinking about the big picture." 

"So," Rollins and Carisi both stood nosily in the doorway, the latter appearing much more moved by the emotional moment than Amanda, "Are we packing up the boxes or leaving them here?" 

"Don't you have work to do?" Barba joked lightly, while continuing to run his hands up and down your spine as you tried to compose yourself in his arms. “And haven’t you two caused enough trouble?” The duo left with a small huff, and you finally rested your chin on Barba's chest so he'd be forced to look down into your eyes. 

"Is this really what you want?" You asked in a hushed whisper, as if the paint on the walls would tell all your secrets. 

"Yes, it is, mi amor..." He kissed your nose before a look of bewilderment overcame his features as he settled on the new arrangement. How did this happen, again? "Did you just lawyer me?" 

\--- 

... " _Your Name_?"

There was smoke coming out of the bottom crack of his front door. Barba stared in light fascination for a moment, before opening the door and entering into the condo. It wasn't exactly billowing smoke, he didn't think there was an uncontrollable fire or anything, and he knew you were home so he assumed you would have called if there was a serious problem. You had claimed to have a surprise for him, but this wasn't exactly what he had in mind. 

"WHY WOULD YOU KEEP TOWELS IN YOUR OVEN?" You shouted from the kitchen, while frantically trying to wave smoke out of the window you had recently opened. The alarms had already gone off, and his small collection of kitchen towels had been efficiently burned and destroyed while you were innocently trying to preheat his oven. 

Upon confirming nothing was actually wrong any more, Barba leaned against the wall leading to the kitchen. "Why the Hell are you using the oven?" He asked curiously, perking an eyebrow as he smirked and watched you try to solve the unexpected problem. 

Your jaw dropped. "Are you serious?" Your question certainly seemed much more important than his, and honestly you didn't see why he would ask his without answering yours first. "I was going to cook dinner, Rafael, and dessert." You grumbled, turning off the water running in the sink. You had tossed the burning towels into the basin, drowning out any little flames that had sparked off of loose strings. 

"Mi amor," He started chuckling while laying his suitcase on the kitchen table and going to work opening some additional windows. "I haven't eaten dinner at my own home in months," Rafael admitted with a shrug, still grinning despite the dismay painted plainly on your face. "Where was I supposed to put all those?" 

A drawer? A closet? Anywhere else? Finally, you settled on the obvious response; "You're ridiculous." You refused to look at him, so he came up behind you to help you with the mess that had been made in the sink. 

"You didn't mind during all those dinners I took you to." He spoke softly into your ear, warm air causing your eyelids to flutter before you remembered you were upset with him. 

"I won't mind during the one you take me to tonight, either..." 


	15. Celos, part dos.

"Oh stop," Rollins sat down next to you as you impatiently waited in a seat outside of Barba's office, glaring daggers. He had a new assistant, an otherwise sweet young lady who didn't recognize you, so she protested when you had attempted to let yourself in. "She's just doing her job." She had been refused access as well, though you had been waiting longer.

You scoffed, crossing your arms in front of your chest and biting your tongue.

"He probably doesn't even know you're out here," Amanda was trying to comfort you, since she could only imagine how she'd have felt in your shoes. Rafael had been in his office, blinds drawn and windows shut, alone with someone the new girl had referred to as; 'a personal friend.' The poor guest was damned before she'd even been seen.

"She isn't with you guys?" You asked for clarification, and Rollins' face dropped as she confirmed your suspicions with a shake of her head.

The door opened, and she walked in front of Rafael, giving you a good view while simultaneously shielding you from his line of sight. A gross feeling stuck in your chest as you realized, she was beautiful. They spoke in Spanish, which meant you had no idea what they were saying, and she left a polite kiss on his cheek as they said what intended to be their final goodbyes.

Both your and Rollin's jaws dropped.

As she stepped to the side, grabbing her jacket from a nearby coat rack, Barba finally caught your gaze. His face skewed, apparently agitated; "How long have you been here?" He asked gently, crossing the room and leaving the other woman chatting with the assistant you still didn't quite like.

"Twenty minutes?" You huffed, keeping your pout strong as he smirked at you- you hated when he did that, mocking you when you were stuck in a bad mood.

"Why didn't you come in?" He asked, kneeling in front of you and placing his hands on your bouncing knees to keep them still.

"SHE" you nodded damningly towards the new assistant, and he openly laughed at your indignation while Rollins coughed to muffle herself doing the same; "wouldn't let me."

"Lo Siento," Rafael apologized for her, and apparently still thought the situation was amusing. It calmed you a little to see how lighthearted he was- if there was a secret, wouldn't he be more eager to keep it? Or was he simply outsmarting you, like he did everyone in any court room he walked into.

"Yelina," He called over and rose to standing as his previous guest was making her way to the door, successfully getting her attention and stopping the beautiful woman in her steps. Rafael pulled you up with your hands, so quickly your purse nearly fell off your lap and onto the floor, but thankfully Rollins grabbed hold of it before the disaster. He coiled an arm around your waist before politely motioning to you; "Yelina, this is mi novia, _Your Name_."

You didn't know what 'novia' meant, but her eyes lit up when he said it. She graciously took your hand into hers, politely shaking it in greeting.

_"Your Name_ , this is an old friend's wife," Barba explained briefly, smirking at your subtle glare. "Yelina Munoz."

"It's a pleasure," She spoke simply; "Rafael speaks so highly of you, it's nice to see him focusing on something other than work." Yelina shouldered her own purse, apparently eager to leave now that their conversation was done. You were eager for her to leave, too.

"The pleasures mine," you lied with a broad smile, and Rollins covered her mouth with her hand to hide her chuckling. Yelina nodded curtly, spoke again to Rafael in Spanish, and then left the office with you and Amanda staring after her as she went.

"You two are terrible," Rafael finally spoke again after his friend left, and motioned for both of you to follow him into his office. On the way, he paused in front of the receptionist, tapping on her computer screen so she'd pull out her earphones and look up at him.

"This one is allowed in anytime," He hovered a hand over your head, and her eyes widened as she nodded vigorously, apparently embarrassed from her earlier mistake. Barba's hand moved to float over Rollins' blonde tresses before further explaining; "This one is only allowed in if she seems in a good mood."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Barba," The younger girl whimpered, and suddenly you felt a tinge of guilt for having disliked her so initially. Amanda had been right, she was just doing her job. You three proceeded without any further hitch or conversation, until his office door was shut behind Amanda.

He poked a finger onto your nose; "Eres lindo cuando estás celoso." Without offering any other translations or explanations, Barba then turned his full attention to Amanda, that deep 'serious' tone you admired taking over. "As for you, please tell me that warrant you begged for came up with something, and that the stain on your shirt is from coffee and not the baby..."

\---

Barba waltzed in after a long day at work, and was surprised to find a pair of men's shoes inside his front door alongside yours. He narrowed his glare, easily confirming they weren't his own- he'd never wear cheap leather like that. His nose crunched as he decided his next move, but he was surprised to feel a sharp slither of jealousy curl up his spine. Who was in his home?

"Mi querida?" He called out, but didn't receive an answer. Out of spite, he kicked the shoes he found off of the doormat, and replaced them with his own. Ugly things. Barba went on, noticing a dark bomber jacket slung haplessly over his couch. How rude. He hung his own jacket up in the nearby closet, eyebrow perked as he took another nosy glance at the unfamiliar clothing. Absently, he gave it a tug with two fingers, so it fell to the floor. Much better.

"Mi amor?" Again, he didn't hear you respond, but he thought he could hear music coming from the bedroom. Seriously? His mind spun at the accusations that sparked, but it really made no sense. He didn't think you could be unfaithful to him, and everything had been relatively quiet the last few days in regards to the threats.

Thankfully, he heard your laughter dancing down the hallway as he slunk through on careful toes, not wanting to alert you or anyone of his existence. At least he knew you were alright- but were you _too_ 'alright'?

" _Your Name_ ," He said loudly, in the tone that usually meant you were in trouble, as he bounded through the door leading to the bedroom you two now shared. His face looked as if he had seen a ghost, a mix between fear and unrecognizable rage, and it struck fear into both of your hearts- while also causing Carisi to tumble off of the chair he stood on by the window.

"Woah, Rafi, what's wrong?!" You were released from your spell when Carisi howled from the ground, and you slowly walked towards him to check on his injuries. "Sonny, come on, you've put these up a million times before."

Carisi sat up slowly, rubbing on his head as he glared over at Barba from the doorway. "Yea, well, I don't usually have Cubans running into rooms and yelling while I'm working."

Barba leaned against his doorway, wide eyes examining the scene he had walked in on. You and Carisi struggling to hang gauzy, navy blue curtains up over the windows he usually just pulled the heavy coverings over when he needed to sleep. "What are you two doing?" He asked gently, wandering over to examine your new decorating decision. "I thought we said we'd look into that?"

"Well, I thought you'd like them better after they were up..." You mused softly, knowing he had told you already that he didn't think any new curtains were 'necesario'. Rafael's angry face slowly faded into a smirk, and he wrapped his arms over your shoulders before kissing your cheek.

"How about next time, you tell me when we're expecting company?" He suggested before finally releasing you and offering a hand to help Carisi up from the floor. Your cousin jumped to his feet, straightening his shirt before he came to his own defense.

"I'm sorry, Barba," He offered as an apology before motioning to the curtains. "But your little girlfriend picked the absolute most difficult drapes they probably had in stock."

"Imagine living with her." Barba added, jokingly smacking you on the derriere to make you jump and Sonny roll his eyes, before he went off to the walk in closet so he could change out of his suit. He felt relieved, so much so that he didn't even mind your executive decision regarding the curtains for now. "Also, Carisi, you should really consider buying nicer shoes... respect yourself."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> novia // girlfriend  
> "Eres lindo cuando estás celoso." // "You're cute when you're jealous."  
> necesario // necessary


	16. Amigo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanna throw a *slow clap* to my readers for your amazing response to the Yelina cameo. I love you guys.

"But we have to get her something precious-"

"What do you even buy a one year old?" Rafael was idly examining the endless onesies and tiny shoes in the baby aisle you had dragged him to. It was Jessie's first birthday this weekend, and Amanda had invited you two along to celebrate. You wanted to find something perfect, something special. The point of a tiny person's birthday party appeared lost on Barba, though. "Is it okay to bring a bottle of wine or is that rude?" 

You teasingly slapped your hand on his chest, and he shrugged his shoulders. "You buy her something cute, that's what you get a one year old." A little pink rabbit was held contemplatively in your hands, and you were running your fingers along a sequin bow that had caught your eye. "And it's always okay to bring wine." 

"So is the party REALLY for the baby," He rest his chin on your shoulder, and reached around you so he could look at the bow as well. Plucking the little headband off the rack, he smirked to himself. Apparently that would be his contribution. 

"Yes, it's for Jessie," You moved along, until your attention fell onto the most amazing thing you had ever seen- a little pink walker in the shape of a princess carriage. Your jaw dropped at the glorious sight. 

He knew that look on your face. "Nooooo, querida," he eyed the elaborate gift, it was the most pink he had ever seen on one product. The toys dangling along the sides were different shapes; stars, coins, wands, plastic princess shoes and brightly colored fairies and dragons. 

"But Rafi..." You started to beg, and you could hear the annoyance in his second attempt at a denial. 

"It's obnoxious." He accused under his breath, while giving you a knowing stare. 

Shaking your head, you quickly came to its defense; "It's beautiful." 

"It's noisy." Barba plucked at the demo, and multiple of the little lights around the edges sparked and sang a sweet little chiming lullaby. You clapped in delight. 

Shrugging, you pushed your luck, "It'll be at Amanda's, not our place." Our place, you loved saying that. You pulled up the back of the demo; it had a retractable shade for using the walker outside in the sun. Putting it up made it resemble the carriages you had seen growing up in your Disney movies. It was perfect. 

He glared at your logic, and you two stood for a couple more silent moments of deliberation in front of the little walker. The convincing wasn't in the knobs and twirlies, though- he was struggling to say no with the ecstatic look that hadn't left your face since you saw the damn thing. 

"Pleeaaaaseeee, Raffiiiiiii;" You wrapped your arms around his chest, nuzzling your face shamelessly into his shirt until you felt him heave with a dramatic sigh. 

\---

Barba held the giant box with Jessie's new princess carriage under his left arm, and you were proudly holding onto his right. He was telling you a story about Noah when suddenly the air was knocked out of you. 

Someone had ran directly into the two of you. 

It wasn't an awfully uncommon thing to happen in the busy city, so you tried to slip to the side and rejoin Rafael's arm. He reached for your hand, taking it tightly in his own, and the two of you side-stepped around the stranger in a polite attempt to get around him. 

The stranger didn't budge, didn't even take a step so you could get around him easier, and Barba briskly tugged at your arm to convince you to walk past the disturbance. Your shoulder still brushed along the odd man, who stared after you two as you left. 

"I wonder what his problem is," You mumbled to Rafael, but when you looked up to his face, you thought you saw something off in his eyes. Was he angry? It was a pretty minor transgression, and you really wouldn’t consider him irrational. Was it fear? "Rafi?" You asked lightly, and he jumped, as if you had dragged him from a trance. 

"Oh," He looked down at your hands, and ran his thumb over your knuckles. Something didn’t quite seem right. "Let's get this thing wrapped," it was clear he hadn't been listening to you, so he tried to charm his way through it by reminding you of the gift you two had for Rollins and kissing you on your cheek. "I feel ridiculous carrying it." 

\---

You two were going to dinner before meeting Olivia and Ed for drinks at the bar Rafael apparently loved so much. You weren't quite sure why he always insisted on that particular bar; on one hand, he seemed to want to keep you as far away from his work as possible, yet most of the SVU squad and police officers attended it frequently. Maybe he was just comfortable there, you guessed, but you didn't really think too hard on his decision. You got to pick the restaurant tonight. 

"I really love you in that dress," Rafael teased lightly, bumping you with his hip while smirking down at you. It was a new one, you hadn't even worn it before tonight, and knowing he felt so fondly made you like it all that much more. 

"It's hard to keep up with a fashionista such as yourself," You pressed her lips against the shoulder of his suit jacket as he scoffed. 

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful," He flipped his face up, if he had more hair it would have floated luxuriously in the wind. You laughed at the act, coiling yourself around his arm and tangling your fingers together. 

You leaned your head against his shoulder as the lights of the restaurant came into view. "It's not a hate, I guess I'm just jealous-" before you could complete your taunt, you were nearly knocked off your feet as someone ran directly into the other side of Rafael. Clinging hard, you fell against his side as he regained his own balance. 

The someone didn't move. And oddly enough, you thought for a split second that they looked familiar. Barba hadn't said a word, but unlike he had done the day before, he didn't politely scoot you two out of the way. He stood his ground, the stalemate out of your control and comprehension. Like statues, both men stubbornly held their own, and you desperately searched Rafael's face for a clue. You thought you saw his lip tremble. 

Suddenly, so abruptly and boisterously it made you jump, Barba shook you off his arm and threw it over the strangers shoulder. "Mi amigo!" He cheered loudly, causing some nosy passersby to look at the commotion he caused with the man you didn't recognize. However, you had learned what amigo meant; friend. 

The other man only smiled broadly, beaming a smile with three silver teeth decorating the others. "Ay, si, amigo," he agreed gruffly while patting Rafael on the back, and you raised an eyebrow at the odd exchange. It looked forced, like when you forgot someone's name that recognized you at a work party, but neither of them appeared too upset with the situation. You supposed you shouldn't be the debbie-downer. 

"Rafi?" You asked gently, plastering a polite smile on your face. You started going for his hand again; assuming he'd introduce you two, but Rafael kept his arm over the intruder's shoulders and refused you. 

"Go get us a table, _Your Name_ ," He ordered with that odd, annoyed smile he usually gave you when he ‘subtly’ wanted to leave a get together. You gave him a suspicious glare; he didn't usually dismiss you when he was talking with his friends. "I need to talk to mi amigo," Barba put his other hand on the man's chest, and the stranger perked an eyebrow at the action. He didn't speak any further, didn't even nod to agree, but he did leer over you as you started to turn away. His eyes felt intrusive, cold. "I'll meet you inside, okay?" 

"Are you su-" Before you could finish requesting confirmation, both men boldly nodded simultaneously in agreement. Apparently you weren't welcome in this conversation. "Fine," you huffed, moderately annoyed at the secrets being kept. You wouldn't embarrass Rafael in front of his friends, though- you were better than that. 

Barba smiled as he watched you walk away, and neither men spoke a word until the entrance's door shut hard behind you. 

\---

In the same moment, your beau's face dropped, and he gruffly used his hold on the stranger to give him a sharp shove. The other man chuckled, running his thumb along his lip before finally speaking; "She's beauuuuuutiful, Barba." 

"Who sent you?" Rafael got directly into his face, their noses nearly touching as he took the opportunity to corner the messenger. "And don't worry about her, you're worried about me," He placed his hands on his own chest, nodding vibrantly at the statement. "You don't ever need to come around her again." 

"Oh, I dunno, amigo," The stranger shrugged his shoulders and sparked a cigarette while glancing back to the direction you had left. "I think the game might have changed." He cocked his head and ran his tongue along the inside of his lip. "She seems a lot more fun than you." 

"I can't fix anything if I don't know who's upset with me." Barba's voice lowered, keeping the conversation as centralized between the two of them as he could. 

"That's the thing, amigo," He clutched his hands together, rubbing his palms in front of your lover's chest; "everyone's upset with you. You have no fuckin' amigos." 

Barba snarled, and pointed a finger at the stranger’s nose. "Everyone on this sidewalk has seen your face," he advised smartly; "And I know nearly everyone in this city." 

"Oh, and we know you." The intruder flicked his cigarette at Rafael's shoes before turning on a heel and finally walking away. "Amigo, Él puta me llamó "amigo"." He laughed into the air, as he disappeared into the crowd. Barba inhaled sharply, bravado failing him as he struggled to get his breath. That was awful, this was not good. It was one thing to be threatened in front of a court house; it was another thing to run into someone who wished him harm on the street. 

But it was a whole new fucking problem when they were approaching while he was with you.  
Barba started to think he had made a dire mistake.

\--- 

“Rafi!” You cheered, beaming as he quickly came over to the table you had been sat at. As he had instructed, you got a table near the front, and had already ordered glasses of wine for you two. The look on his face was not reciprocal, however, and it made your grin fall as he hastily came to your side. 

Barba plucked his wine glass, and shamelessly chugged the entire contents in one go. “We’re leaving,” he advised bluntly, and pulled out his wallet so he could abandon a couple bills to the table. Apparently there was no time to get the check, or even to eat the food. This wasn’t the Rafael you knew so well. 

“What’s the matter with you?” You asked angrily, still refusing to get up despite him pulling out your seat. “Who were you talking to?” 

“Drink”, he handed you your glass, and you hesitated briefly before mimicking his earlier downing of the beverage. “We need to get to the bar.” Rafael took your hand in his, and you widened your eyes while trying to gather your purse and jacket from the table. He pulled on you, raising you from your seat and urging you to hurry up as his apparent desperation grew. “Now, please, querida, let’s go.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Amigo, Él puta me llamó ‘amigo’." // "Friend, he fucking called me 'friend'."


	17. Live & Love

You had your forehead leaned against Olivia's shoulder, and she kept a firm grip on your hand. Of course, you were trying to listen, but it only got harder to focus as his story went on. Rafael wouldn't even look at you. It almost felt like a trap, but one you didn't want to get out of- you took a drink of your beer to help you swallow the lump in your throat. Ed compassionately ran a hand up and down your arm to try and keep you calm. This couldn't be real.

"They started calling, mostly just hang ups," you remembered a few dead end phone calls at night. Rafael would laugh after he tried to answer, and start telling you about how he and his friends used to place prank calls all the time. 'Kids these days are persistent', he'd say. "Sometimes they'd actually verbalize a threat," he couldn't look at you, he felt terrible, as bad as the people he was now trying to avoid. It felt selfish, really, to get to enjoy the pleasure of your company while simultaneously hiding such a dire part of his life to you. But now, it was too late. You were involved whether he wanted you to be or now.

"What are they saying they'll do?" You, on the other hand, were staring. You couldn't take your eyes off of him; your poor, sweet man. Your typically bold, brave, and ornery port in any storm. He was wilting now, gaze cast down to the reflections on the bar top as he used a little stirrer to mix his whiskey again and again and again. Part of you wanted to wrap around him and coddle him; lock the two of you away in a fortress and throw away the key, solitude would be a nirvana if it was spent with him.

Rafael sighed, cheeks inflating before he carefully breathed out through pursed lips. "Death, mostly," he chuckled crudely and shrugged; "they're not very creative." He studied the caramel colored liquid as it swirled.

"Just cruel." Ed waved for the attention of the bartender, ordering another round for the four of you. 

"How many times have you actually been approached, though?" Leave it to Benson to manage to ask the real questions at a time like this. You were still in subtle shock, trying to process the news that had been dropped on you like the weight of a stone. Someone was wanting to scare the man you loved; to threaten him and make him worry about falling asleep at night. It pissed you off. They wanted him to shiver when he thought of what he's done for the good of justice, to sweat when he had to be alone on the street. You thought back to when you had been chastised in the court house, his irrational outburst suddenly made sense.

"How long has this been going on?" You interrupted before he could answer Olivia, and he easily chose to respond to you first. 

"Uhhh," his green eyes rolled up to the ceiling, and he bobbed his head side to side to signify he was counting. It was too quick to be genuine, he knew; "about a year." Barba then turned, facing Olivia and repeating his mental math dance. "Six." He said flatly before putting down his drink he had been nursing. "Three different people."

"So your 'amigo'?" Ice coursed through your blood, "he wasn't an amigo?" You had been right there, he had skimmed past your jacket, touched you- you cringed to think that you had actually been stupid enough to leave Rafael alone with him while you went to get a seat in the restaurant. How could you have been so blind, and how could he keep his fears so far off your radar? The man was an actor in and out of the court room, he could charm a jury and he could apparently fool you- Did you really know him at all?

Rafael laughed aloud, shaking his head violently to confirm your suspicions. "He was no amigo, mami," the rest of his drink was killed in a swift swig, the ice in his glass clinked together like a chandelier crashing. The bar suddenly felt too small and too loud, you felt too large; and everything just felt wrong.

"I need to go," You shrugged Tucker off your arm and jumped from the bar stool, fresh air sounded so necessary right now. Olivia was the first to object, shamelessly grabbing onto your purse strap to interrupt your escape path.

"Fat chance," she scoffed with a dropped jaw. You turned to look into her face; what did she want from you? You hadn't asked for this, you hadn't chosen to prosecute police officers, you weren't the one who people wanted dead. Or were you? "You're not going anywhere," Benson added bluntly, trying to pull the hold she had on you so you would go back to your stool. "They've seen you now, they know what you look like." As she got in your face, you tried to take a few weary steps back. She could be awfully intimidating.

Your chin dropped, and you studied your shoes as the sounds of night life swam around you and flooded your thoughts. Dizzy; you started to feel light headed as she gave you another firm tug. You violently yanked at your purse, tired of being pulled at both emotionally and physically, tearing it from her grasp. She obliged you upon realizing how upset you were, and raised her hands in the air to show she was happy to let you go.

"Liv," Ed knew his girlfriend was being protective, and even more importantly- he knew she was right. However, perhaps now wasn't the time to be right. "Just let her get some air, I'll go with her." You weren't sure if that was better than just staying in the bar, but any escape would work for you. Rafael hadn't protested or offered to accompany you, he knew better. "Let you and Barba hash some of this out."

Olivia narrowed her gaze at him before nodding in subtle agreeance. "Stay where everyone can see you," she instructed flatly, apparently content with the compromise. "Barba and I need to talk..."

\---

You sat on the hard cement with your back against the wall, heels bouncing as your leg involuntarily jumped and you stewed in contemplation. Tucker had been quiet, smartly so, waiting patiently for you to make the first conversational move. It took awhile, about five or ten minutes, but the flood came crashing through the crack in the levy once you had to release your thoughts. "Why wouldn't he just tell me?" You whimpered while resting your chin in your hands. "Why wouldn't anyone tell me?"

Ed was being considerate, and obliging you by taking a few moments to find a genuine answer. He didn't want to appease and calm you, everyone had been doing that to you for months, which brought you to where you were now. You needed truth and you needed honesty; he planned on being the one to deliver. Someone had to. "He probably thought you'd take it poorly," The intimidating man stood in front of you, so the toes of his shoes nearly touched the soles of yours. "I can only assume it's a hard conversation to have."

"But what do I do now?" You teared up, lip trembling. At this moment, Ed Tucker was your only confidant. You never thought you'd have to depend on him to be a lighthouse in the tempest. "How do I help him?"

"You don't." Ed lowered to crouching, so he was more at your size instead of towering over you. "You let the professionals handle the problem, it's over your head." He was making sense, more sense than anything else you had been told that day. "You just need to decide how you're going to react." You found yourself starting to like him; the stoic demeanor, the dead pan face despite the horrors of the confessions. He was perfect for Olivia, you thought absently. 

"I won't let this change anything," You finally stated, wagging your head side to side to show your intense conviction. Nobody would be able to shake you from Rafael, you decided. "They can take his sense of safety," you sniffled, and wrung the tissue Olivia had given you in your palms. "But they can't take me. They won't." You pulled your knees to your chest, resting your chin atop them as you came to your final conclusion. There would be no hiding, no fear, no leaving, and especially no changing. You loved Rafael, and these bastards wouldn't scare you away from him. Nobody would.

Ed smiled broadly, his pride for you evident on his face, and he placed his hands reassuringly on your ankles. "You're exactly what he needs, then." He advised quickly, before going back to standing. A hand was held down for you to take so you could join him, "Let's let him know that... I hate to see a man squirm like he is."

\---

"I've heard online dating has been going pretty well lately," Barba had had a couple drinks, and was trying to lighten the mood. Even if it was inappropriate. "Even for older dogs like me, it's been working for my friends..."

Olivia ignored him completely, taking a drink before leaning her side against the bar top. "We're going to put a detail on your place, and on you two." 

"She's going to leave me, Olivia." He sounded pretty convinced. Why wouldn't you? "Does Ed have any friends, because I know all of yours and I don't think I'm interested..."

She tried to reassure him despite the snarky attitude, "You don't know that-"

"What would you say," He cockily tilted his head her way while flattening his hands against the top of the bar, glaring into her eyes as he laid out the situation in terms they both could understand, "to a young woman who was seeing someone who was receiving active death threats?" She bit her lip, and Barba nodded knowingly; Benson would never encourage someone to keep themselves in harm's way when they could separate themselves from it. "And that someone doesn't intend on stopping what caused them," he added quickly- they wouldn't scare him from his post. He just hoped they couldn't scare you from yours. Knowing better than to argue when he was so upset, she decided to go the honest route.

"You know," Olivia pushed herself up from the bar, thinking she may be better off joining you and Tucker outside. Everyone seemed to need some air. "I don't think you give her enough credit," she fingered through her keys and studied them carefully, an excuse to not look at him as she shared her truth. "I think you're as scared of loving her as you are of these goons, but you won't admit to either." Shouldering her bag, she grabbed hold of his arm and gave a squeeze; "If she leaves, it would only be because you wouldn't let her hold on." Olivia smiled at him before walking towards the door of the bar, "Don't do that to yourself."

\---

You nearly ran into Olivia as she was walking out to join you, and she carefully put a hand on your shoulder to gauge your face. You looked shockingly calm. She perked an eyebrow, glancing up to Tucker as he followed you in. He smirked, and nodded solemnly. "You all are insane," Olivia finally concluded, and released her hold on your arm as you worked to move around her. Ed pulled her into a hug, laughing as she melted against his chest.

Barba was still at the bar, where everyone left him. Bending at the waist, you managed to speak directly into his ear from behind, taking him by surprise; "This seat taken?" He jumped when you asked, apparently Rafael hadn't expected you to be back so soon. Smirking, he shook his head, and politely patted the stool to advise you to sit.

"Is now, I hope," he purred, and you took the seat without further hesitation. Feeling his green eyes hover on you felt like a blessing, and you graciously wrapped yourself around his arm closest to you. Your cheek found his shoulder, and he leaned into you eagerly.

"Can we watch that one movie when we get home?" You asked gently, raising your chin just enough so you could see his face. "And wrap Jessie's present? We still have that party tomorrow-" The threats would be an after thought, both tonight and every night after. Nothing was more important than you and him. You wouldn't let anything disturb that.

Before you could go on talking about your to do list and future plans, Barba twisted in his seat, knocking you off his shoulder and nearly making you fall off your stool. Saving you from your tumble were his hands, and they balanced you while gently cupping your face in pure reverence. You could only smile, and you placed your palms on his thighs to keep yourself in place. He kissed you, feverishly, as if you'd never shared lips before and never would again. You felt wettness on your cheeks, and realized soon that he had teared up- your suspicions were confirmed when he pulled away and his green eyes were highlighted by the red surrounding them.

"I love you," he finally advised as he leaned his forehead against yours, more than happy to talk about anything and everything instead of what had transpired that evening. Rafael just wanted to live, with you, and you proved you agreed. "Te amo mucho, cariño."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Te amo mucho, cariño." // "I love you so much, honey."


	18. Bubbles and Babies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the delayed post- life's gotten a little crazy lately. Here's the next chapter though :).

You had picked up Yoga, hoping to calm your nerves and your sudden-onset-paranoia. Although you weren't all that good yet, you tried as much as you could, spending hours in front of the television with Youtube Yogis showing you twists and turns you couldn't imagine being able to replicate. 

Rafael seemed amused enough by it, however. You had tried to get him to join you, but he was uninterested. Apparently his 'cases kept the mind at ease'. It didn't make much sense to you, the tragic horrors of others taking away from the tragedies playing out in your own world seemed almost sadistic. You wouldn't argue, though. To each their own. 

You felt him staring, and so while mid-Downward-Dog, you glanced between your legs and to the sofa. Upside down Barba was smirking devilishly at you, and a hot blush hit your cheeks. "I thought you were working?" 

"Oh, I am," He held up his notepad proudly, before setting it back in his lap. "Just appreciating the view, too. You're getting better." 

The compliment successfully absolved him from being in trouble for staring. "Really?" You asked excitedly, twisting so you could sit on your pink yoga mat. 

"Yea, really." He nodded in appreciation- his observations were always precise. You loved that about him, every word he said had meaning, so his compliments meant more than he probably knew. "You used to not be able to put your feet flat," Rafael turned to look back down at the case file he was working on. "But now you can." 

"You were watching my feet?" You stood, strolling over to sit next to him on the sofa. Nosily, you glanced at the court paperwork he had laid out, but his laughter was a sufficient distraction. 

"Among other things," Rafael confirmed, leaning over his books and notes to kiss your pouting lips. You giggled against his mouth, and tore yourself away after a few sweet moments. 

"Are you going to be working much later?" You snuggled up to his side, trying to convince him to take a break. He had been working on those same papers for hours, or so it felt, and you figured a mental recess would be necessary if he ever planned on getting some sleep. 

"Mmmm maybe," He raised an eyebrow and gazed down at you, curled up as close as you could get to his side. You were an awfully tantalizing distraction. "I only have a few more references to pull and prior-"

"Well," you interrupted briskly, uncoiling yourself from your reluctant beau and starting to make your way slowly across the room; "I'm going to take a bath..." 

Silence from the peanut gallery until he finally processed what you had said; "A bath?" Rafael asked eagerly, eyes widening a bit at the suggestion. 

You nodded from the other side of the room, working on undoing your hair from the workout-bun as you spun on your toes to face him. "Mhmmm, a bubble bath," you explained further, smirking a bit as you shamelessly pulled your tank top off over your head, leaving you in yoga pants and a skimpy black sports bra. 

"Oh yea?" Barba's head cocked to the other side, obviously transfixed on you instead of the paperwork he had been studying so stubbornly. 

"Mhmmmm," you were wriggling out of your black pants, letting them fall to the floor. Your face remained calm, and you had to bite the inside of your lip to keep from laughing at his jaw dropping. Living with Rafael certainly had its perks, for both of you. "I'd aaaaask you to join me," you started heading around the corner, running a fingertip down the corner edge of the wall that led to the hallway, "but you're just SO so busy..." 

The books snapped shut quicker than you could ever imagine, and he shook his head while tisking his tongue at your accusation. "Oh, I am **never** too busy for you, mi querida," Rafael insisted boldly, before quickening his steps so he could trap you in his embrace. He still had on clothes from the office, the suspenders and suit pants itched against your bare skin, so you twisted in his arms to diligently work on undoing the buttons while he unblushingly went to work undoing the clasps on your bra. You both walked while delicately undressing the other; you backwards, and he following each step with his own- until your back hit against the bathroom door you two had been heading towards and you were left bare while he still stood in his boxers. 

You went for the knob, but in lieu of the typical twist and enter, you were instead hoisted by firm hands wrapping beneath your thighs. Your back pressed firm against the wooden door. To help him along, you hooked your ankles behind his back, and sighed as Barba peppered your throat and collar bone with kisses. Goosebumps erupted on you, a galaxy of raised skin and longing reacting to the attention you'd been trying to get all day. 

"Why rush a bath," He began speaking in the crook of your neck before his lips traveled up to your earlobe, "when I'd rather just play dirty with you?" 

"Oh yea?" You repeated his feigned indifference from earlier, and it was reciprocated with a low grumble from deep in his chest that rattled your own ribcage as well. His hands went from your thighs to your derriere, and you were swiftly carried off to the bedroom while your chin rest against his temple and your fingers played through his dark hair. 

That's one way to get him out of his briefcase. And his briefs. 

\---

"Oh, she LOVES it!" Rollins cooed happily, in that high-pitched 'mommy' voice that made your insides twist just a tad. 

"It's not even all put together yet," Carisi scoffed while carefully thumbing through the directions provided with the princess walker you and Rafael had bought little Jessie for her birthday. 

"But she LOVES it!" Jessie confirmed her mother's representation of her adulation by snagging a blue plastic wand that wasn't yet attached to the tray. She clapped, before chewing on the soft parts for teething relief. 

Barba was standing to the side, apparently fascinated by the exchange. "So her eating it means she likes it?" He asked curiously, earning him a slight glare from the duo on the floor. 

"Yes," you advised quickly, rising on tiptoes to kiss his cheek while carefully balancing your wine so as not to spill. "She loves it. And I told you so." 

"So when are you popping one out?" Carisi asked from the floor, and it took you a couple moments to realize he was actually talking to you. In fact, it took him throwing a bolt at your shin before you even paid attention to him and his odd question. "That biological clock don't tick forever, _Your Name_."

You glared, not believing now of all times would be the best moment to bring up the possibility of a pregnancy. "Why worry about me having kids when we're here for PRINCESS JESSIE!?" The sweet baby girl clapped proudly at the sound of her name, the blue teether still sticking out of her gummy mouth. 

Rollins laughed, leaning to lounge behind her baby as she continued babbling away. "Don't you wanna have kids eventually though?" She asked, pinching little Jessie's cheeks together so her lips pursed, "Just look at how freaking cute they are." 

You glanced over to Barba, hoping to get some help in the sudden onslaught of attention that had come your way- but he was far too busy beaming down at Jessie, watching her from afar as she picked at her own toes and crawled over towards the walker Sonny was working on. Even when he took a drink of wine, he didn't look away; he was entranced with the little girl. Of course. 

Finally, you elbowed him, and he jumped a bit back to reality. Obviously, he hadn't been listening. "Isn't she cute?" He asked innocently, motioning down as Jessie tried her best to interrupt Uncle Sonny's hard work on her new toy. You pinched the bridge of your nose, and he naively looked to the other two adults in hopes to realize what he missed. 

"Tick, tock," Carisi announced teasingly while working on a stubborn screw, "tick, tock, tick, tock, tick-" 


	19. Just A Walk In The Park

You had been sitting on Barba's desk; legs crossed at the ankles as you read a book and watched him diligently sign some paperwork. It was peaceful, really; he was so content with silence while in your presence that you had found the beauty in it as well. Every so often, you'd feel his fingers skim your hand and you'd smile and tap at them to show you were paying attention. He had told you that you could go on home without him, that it could be awhile until he was ready- you didn't mind, though. You were too used to waiting on him. Work came first, so you figured your best bet at coming into a hot second would be to include yourself when you could. 

To your surprise, a red head bolted through the office door fast enough to make you leap from your spot. You stood at attention, spine straight and hands clasped in front of your lap, as she eyed you curiously. 

"I didn't know you had a daughter, Barba," she began condescendingly. No greeting, no formal introduction, just a comment with enough spice to make your eyebrows rise dramatically. You assumed she was a lawyer; they all seemed to treat him similarly- With enough reverence to stay in good graces and just enough opposition to keep him thinking. 

He smirked boldly at her from the other side of his desk. "Most people knock, you know, Rita." 

"I think we both know I'm not most people," She finalized while taking a seat in a chair opposite his desk. Immediately, she began pulling out paperwork and piling folders on his desk. Cautiously, she glanced back over to you, and paused before returning to her initial question. "But really, new assistant? Do you need two?" 

"Sometimes, especially with you, I do-“ He chuckled. “Rita, this is my dear friend, _Your Name_ ," He motioned towards you as if you were a spinning letter on a game show. "And darling, this is Rita Calhoun. She's a pit bull in the court room." 

"Awe, Barba, you're so kind," She smiled over at him while placing her hands sarcastically over her chest. After getting over the flattery, she nodded curtly your direction. "It's nice to meet you; I'm surprised to know there's a 'dear' friend considering how often he's on call." 

Well, she certainly didn't seem like one to mince words. "Busy men are more interesting," you shrugged while making your way across to his sofa, where you had left your purse. If this was important enough to deem an unannounced interruption, it likely also meant you should be taking your leave. Bending at the waist as he continued to sit, you kissed Rafael on his cheek, and he squeezed your hand before you turned towards the door without any further good byes. He knew you loved him, he knew you were headed home. Confidence did wonders. 

"Okay, but really, how did you manage that?" You heard Rita ask rudely moments prior to you shutting the door behind you. Barba laughed, straightening his suit jacked before leaning over the desk to reach for her files. 

"Being charming works in and out of the court room, Rita," He advised simply, a prideful smirk on his face. "You should try it sometime..." 

\---

The walk from Barba's office to the apartment wasn't really a long one. It was a rather populated street; you felt pretty comfortable walking it, and even taking a detour through the park that added half a block onto your journey. It would take Barba plenty of time to wrap things up; you knew you had no reason to be in a rush. You usually spent evenings alone until he wandered in, tired and mentally exhausted. The waiting made the heart grow fonder, you figured. 

You liked that park. It was beautiful, and sometimes you even managed to convince your beau to join you on a stroll. He liked to read all of the plaques, the ones sporting the type of tree it stood by and dedicating it to someone. Money may not grow on trees, but enough money can get one named after you. 

It was dark by this point. Dark enough for the light posts to be lit and the park to be relatively empty, aside from the rare passersby or a homeless person resting on a bench. There was a chill to the air, you wished you had brought your jacket, and you were just starting to think that maybe the extra steps wouldn't be as pleasant as you thought- maybe you should have just headed home. 

Your thoughts and concerns were dismissed; however, when you were shoulder checked by someone who you had thought would be able to easily pass you. They had been on the other side of the walkway, garbed in all black and looking as ominous as possible. The collision made you flinch, and you shoved your fists into your pockets as you noticed he suddenly decided not to move, protecting your purse under your stiff arms. 

"Aye, Mami-" He spoke with a strong accent, it was hard to understand him even though he talked directly above your ear. Your poker face remained intact, and you diligently stepped to the side in an effort to move around him. Unfortunately, for every step you took, he reciprocated; walking backwards as you quickened your steps forward. Oddly enough, if it was your purse he was hoping for- you thought he’d have gone for it by now. 

"You shouldn't be out in the park so late," he continued to talk, and you tried to ignore him the best you could. "I mean, your condo is like two blocks away after all-" That worked. You froze, immediate paralysis, ice shimmying down your veins as he finally earned your attention. Slowly, you looked up at him, and he smiled boldly back down at you. "Wouldn't this park add like ten minutes to your travels?" 

How the Hell did he know where you lived? Again, you walked on, fiercely working to ignore the stranger so you could get back to the street where there were more people. A populated corner never sounded so appealing. "Awe, Mamii, lo siento-" He spun on his heel, hurrying up and following you once you were moving too quickly for him to keep up while going backwards. The stubborn man put a hand on your shoulder, gripping hard enough to force you to stop and wince under his palm. 

He didn't move in front of you. In fact, he stayed perhaps two steps behind, and leaned forward to speak in your ear. His breath on your skin felt like Hell. "Give Rafael a message for me, aight'?" You started to tremble, most people referred to him as 'Barba' if it was a professional matter. "Tell him his amigos miss him, so we'll be coming to find him soon. We'll have a fiesta." 

Stubbornly, you tore yourself from his grip, and began to go off at a firm run. You couldn't hear steps echoing from yours, so you thought perhaps he wasn't in pursuit, which was confirmed when you heard a loud "Bye, Mamiiiiii" from the distance. As soon as you hit the more populated sidewalk, you fell against the brick wall and slid to the ground on your back. People stepped over you, around you; nobody cared about the tears staining your cheeks or the heavy breaths you were heaving to compensate for your sprint. Nobody knew what had happened, likely nobody was all that concerned either. 

" _Your Name_?" Your gaze bolted to the side, and to your surprise, the red head you had met perhaps half an hour ago was nearly at your side. "What the Hell is wrong with you? Barba should be heading home soon..." Rita was speaking loudly, as she had back in his office. "Why are you on the ground? Get up." 

"Rafi-" You couldn't complete the name, or a sentence, and she stared at you with a look of bewilderment as you struggled to find the strength in your legs. "His amigo said something about a fiesta..." 

"Are you drunk?" Her face skewed, and she promptly threw one of your arms over her shoulder. You shook your head to deny the accusation, and she simply shrugged. "Well let's get you home. If Barba knew I found you and left you like this, I'd never be able to get a settlement out of him again..." 

\---

"What's going on here?" Barba walked in to a scene he couldn't have predicted even if he tried; Rita Calhoun sitting with you on his couch, holding your hand and running hers up and down your spine in an effort to calm your nerves. She noticed him before you looked up, and she was immediately glaring. 

"I should probably be asking you the same thing," she huffed. You told her some things, not necessarily the intricacies though. The incident with the stranger while you were alone brought up something you hadn't understood until now; very few could really be trusted. 

"Not now," he insisted, ignoring her to drop his briefcase and effects onto the ground so he could go to you. "Hey, querida," he spoke gently, wiping at your tears with his thumbs. "What's bothering you, what's wrong?" 

"Your amigo," You glanced up at the mention of a friend, and the look in your eyes made it painfully clear to him the context you intended with the word. Rafael fell to his knees so he could look up into your face. "They miss you," you bit the inside of your lip, to try and keep it from trembling. "He said he'd come find you soon... and have a fiesta." You sarcastically spun your finger in the air, to show you knew that fiesta meant a party. 

"Did he follow you?" Barba barely whispered, but gathered your hands in his and rested the tangled pile of fingers onto your knees. 

You shook your head, closing your eyes before whispering back to him; "But he knew taking the park added time to my walk home." 

You literally saw the color flush from his cheeks. Rafael rest his head in your lap, staring forlornly towards the wall as you uncoiled your hands so you could run your fingers in his hair. 

"Why don't you have security?" Rita asked, loudly, trying to pull you two from the pity party so she could begin her own rant. "Why haven't you done something about this before moving the poor girl in with you-"

"Stop," Barba leapt to his feet, glaring daggers at the other attorney as he placed his hands out between them. "I appreciate you being here, but now is not the time for berating-"

"Now seems to be the perfect time for-" She was hushed by Barba smoothly leaving your side and opening the front door, motioning her to leave. Rita's jaw fell open in amazement at the rude dismissal, and hastily gathered her things. 

Before she left, while one foot was out the door and Rafael eagerly waited to close it behind her, she pointed directly at you; "Remember, the heroes always lose. If they didn't, we'd be out of the job." 

"Goodbye, Rita," Rafael eased her out with a hand between her shoulder blades, and slammed the closure shut behind her. He took a deep breath, staring at his shoes a few moments while leaning his back against the door. 

You stood, taking the initiative upon yourself to cross the room so you could stand before him. Leaning forward, pseudo trust fall, you lay your cheek against his chest. He couldn't help but wrap his arms around your shoulders, tugging you in closer until you could barely breathe. It was fine, though; you'd rather suffocate in his embrace than be left without it any longer. 

"No more walking home alone," He whispered authoritatively in your hair, and you nodded the best you could in agreement. "And no more being here late alone," he added thoughtfully. 

"But you always work so much, how am I supposed to do anything if I can't be alone?" You were whispering, but he heard you. Rafael ran his hand up and down your back, comforting you, or at least trying to. He sniffled- had he been crying? He let you go so he could raise your chin to look into his green eyes. 

"My mother once told me," A sad smile spread over his face, one you couldn't quite read. "'Nunca mantenga una hermosa niña de espera.'" It sounded familiar. You didn't know exactly what it meant, but for some reason the song of the language felt like one you had heard before. He cupped your face in his hands, and kissed you ever so softly, like you'd expect a desperate man to do. "Mi querida, you won't be waiting around for me anymore." He spoke while pressing his forehead against yours, so neither could look away even if you wanted to. 

"I won't ever let anything happen to you," Rafael promised gently, and you nodded solemnly to show you understood. You trusted him; you had to- what else could you do? 


	20. Too much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers :). Interrupting this normally-scheduled-update for a heads up; I'm getting married next week, and am entrenched in planning for that & the honeymoon, not even to mention all the extra time I'm putting in at work to prepare for my absence. I'm usually pretty prompt on updates, but it may be a little less these next couple weeks. I'll be conjuring up sweet things and drafts while I'm away, so there is still plenty story to come. :) Lovin' you guys!

"Olivia's gone insane," Rafael insisted, still staring out of the split he made in the blinds with his two fingers. He had been at that window for at least ten minutes now, but you hadn't mentioned it. "There's police literally everywhere I go, I feel like a watched man." It was late at this point, on a Saturday. You were just glad he was actually home for a whole evening. 

"Isn't that the point?" You glanced over your shoulder to see him peering towards the street. There were cars everywhere recently, it's not like you hadn't noticed. Notable black cars that were suspiciously placed nearby or following at a distance no matter where you went. It felt like a bad noir film. You ignored them for the most part, rather successfully. You'd rather be tailed than go through what you had at the park again. 

"But they're everywhere," He sounded paranoid, and he probably didn't need you to point it out to him. There was a good chance he was. You looked up from your book, and watched as he surveyed the road. Lately, he's been so stressed; it was tangible. In his eyes, in his mannerisms, in his recent insomnia. He'd stay up late in the office he'd made in the spare guest room, or read books and papers in bed while absently petting your hair until you fell asleep. He was trying, you knew it. You appreciated it. 

You closed your reading material and left it in your seat, so you could go stand behind him. "Rafi, they're the ones we want watching us." You tried to provide a better distraction by wrapping your arms around him, sliding your hands up to rest over his chest where you could feel his heart beat under your palms. The sweet rhythm that set the pace in your world. He covered your hand with his free one, still glaring out at the little ominous cars along the street. 

"It's just disconcerting," he mumbled, and you tightened your hold while leaning your head against his back. 

"Come sit down, Rafael," You begged gingerly, closing your eyes a bit. "Or we can go lay down," you suggested additionally, "Let's just worry about each other instead of the cars." 

That seemed to work, to bring him out of his suspicious trance. The blinds snapped shut and he pulled himself from his paranoia, to face you and kiss your forehead. "I always worry about you." He spoke softly, sweetly- but for some odd reason, it sparked a tiny hint of guilt in your heart. 

\---

You had been waiting hours for him to come home. It was a Sunday, and while it had been nice to have him home the day before, you couldn't help but wish for a real weekend with him. Was it selfish, you pondered while plucking up the wine glass you had sat on the edge of the bath tub. Selfish to think you should garner more attention just because you were there? Most of your relationship prior to moving in together had been sporadic; did you sincerely think it would change just because you slept in his bed? 

The door opened from downstairs, or so you thought, you didn't choose to explore or let it worry you; instead you gazed curiously at the clock across the room. Nearly 11:30pm. You slunk down further, letting the warm water envelop you until the surface lapped at your chin. "Mi querida?" He called for you from the foot of the staircase- he wouldn't have been able to hear you if you had responded, so you sat with the silence in your little oasis a few moments longer. 

Steps up the stairs echoed through the condo, and you lazily leaned your cheek against the cool porcelain as you noticed the knob begin to turn. Rafael called your pet name again, "Mi querida?" until he noticed you mostly hidden under bubbles. "Mi sirena?" A smirk pulled across his face, yet he still appeared oh so tired. 

You smiled, twisting to rest your arms against the edge of the tub and your chin atop your knuckles. Rafael strolled over to you, before crouching down so he was closer to your level. He kissed you, politely and urgently, before sighing against your lips. "I'm sorry I'm late," you were beginning to think he had the apology on recording, ready to re-play whenever it became relevant. 

"You're fine, Rafi," You forgave him as you always did, and pressed your forehead against his. "Was it a bad day, or just a long one?" 

He smiled at your concern, running a hand down your spine until his fingertips dipped under the surface of the hot water. "You don't need to worry about it." Rafael left that lingering for interpretation, but before you could protest, he asked; "Is the water still nice?" 

You nodded, the best you could considering your position, while your eyelids fluttered in response to his hand on your back. "Are you going to join me?" You jutted out a plumped lip, hoping to pout your way through his guilt. 

His eyes widened, but he bit onto his bottom lip as he nodded quickly. "I can," he started simply, rising to standing. "I'll be right back?" 

You sighed, and nodded, watching as he left the room. "Can you grab wine?" You hollered from the comfort of your bath, and you smiled when you heard a bold 'Si' from down the hall. 

\---

Luckily, this time, he didn't keep you waiting for long. If he had, there was a good chance you could have dozed off. In waltzed a smirking Barba, towel around his waist and a bottle of wine cradled carefully in his arms. "You're quiet tonight," he mentioned briefly while re-filling your glass and adding wine to his own. 

"Just tired," you weren't sure if you were trying to convince him or yourself. 

Rafael nodded slowly, you could tell he was struggling to believe you, but none of that mattered once he dropped the towel. You shifted, so he could ease himself into the tub. 

Eagerly, as soon as he reclined his head against the edge, you scooted yourself over him. Even without opening his eyes, he reached for you, and pulled you to sit closer. "I see why you're always taking baths," Rafael mused as you reposed happily in his lap. Your head found a home against his shoulder, and he happily peppered the right side of your neck with a multitude of little kisses. Goosebumps erupted on your skin everywhere the hot water didn't hide, and you graciously wrapped you right arm around his neck to keep him close. 

"Sometimes I have good ideas," you squirmed in satisfaction, and you could feel his smile against the sensitive skin of your throat. "You should listen to me more often." 

He rolled his eyes, coiling his arms around your stomach to pull you tighter against him until your back was firm against his chest. "I listen to you all the time, what are you talking about?" He huffed, while brave hands traveled to caress your skin under the water. One slid down your belly, drawing little circles on your pelvis with his fingertips, as the other moved side to side across your chest so his thumb would skim the bottom swell of your breasts. 

You lavished in his attention, running your left hand along his thigh as the other held his face close to yours. Your temples touched, and silence prevailed for another few moments. His hand between your legs shifted, so the ball of his palm rest on your pubic bone and his fingers could curl over your most private garden. With the particular placement and hold, Rafael easily managed to shift you securely between his legs. "You aren't talking to me," he brought up the obvious, and kissed at the back of your neck as you leaned forward. "Why?" 

"I'm worried about you." You finally confessed, and his traveling hands ceased their adventure and instead tightened where they lay. "I think you're getting spread out too thin," you bit your bottom lip, hard, and spun in the water so you could lean over him. "Between work, and the threats, and then me," you rest your face on his chest so you could hear his heart beat, and he massaged the skin between your shoulder blades and up your neck as you spoke. "When is it too much for you?" He hadn't interrupted you, and you were almost surprised. 

Barba took a firm hold of your shoulders, forcing you to rise until you had to lay your arms across his chest to prop yourself up. "Nothing's too much for me," he advised sternly, and you could see the conviction in those beautiful green eyes. "Work is important," he wouldn't have been able to deny it, not honestly, "The threats are worth noting," Rafael switched his hold, so he was cupping your face. "But you, darling; you are everything. Do you understand?" 

You nodded obediently; he had told you the same plenty before. "I just worry that I could be too much, you know?" 

"You're never too much," Barba was using his 'serious' tone, the one that demanded to be listened to. He utilized it in the court room, he'd bring it out during press conferences; and now he was laying it on you. "You're everything, you're why I care-" His face fell. Apparently he had been too wrapped up to notice the weight of his world on your shoulders. "Do you know what I did when I first got approached and I didn't have you?" He cocked his head to the side and you shook yours, bringing his palms waving with your face. "I gave him my address. I didn't give a shit." 

You didn't know that, and your eyes widened drastically before he went on. "Nothing scares me. Not a thug making threats, not a murderer on the stand, and no man will ever make me afraid." He softened, slightly, and let go of your face so he could slide his hands down your bare sides. Using your hips, he forced you to move forward, until you were straddling him and hovering just slightly above his face. He traced your collarbones carefully with his fingertips, slipping them down over your sternum and between your breasts before resting his palms on the small of your back. 

"The only thing, and I mean it; the only thing that scares me," His eyes rose to yours as he put pressure on your back so you'd sit above his hips, around his waist. "Is the thought of losing you." 

Tears involuntarily sparked in your eyes, and you tried to lower your face so you could kiss him- but he stopped you. "Darling, if something's ever bothering you to the point where you can't speak to me," he was reasoning with you now, a settlement or plea deal, skimming your sides with his fingertips and making you shiver. "Please don't keep it inside. I can't stand thinking something's bothering you and not knowing how to fix it." 

"Yes, Rafi," you nodded vigorously, working past his attempts at pausing you and crashing your lips against his. "I'm sorry, Rafi," you apologized as he did so often, and he only smiled against your pout. 

He was going to speak more, most likely, as usual- but you refused to let him; instead, you coiled your arms around his chest and slid yourself backwards just enough until you could feel his manhood at firm attention against your back. Seductively, you wriggled your eyebrows, and kissed his cheek, jaw, chin, and the soft hollow of his throat. 

“Perhaps we should move this party to the bedroom?” He asked dreamily, as you continued to slither yourself further down his body until you were back between his legs. “Orrr, not…”

\---

It had been nearly a week since your bathtub confessions. You'd been patient; you've done your best to be understanding. And Rafael tried, too- the hours at the office were lessening and the time spent in his home office was increasing. You didn't mind, though, it was nice to have him home even if his nose was in his books. 

However, this Saturday morning, you hadn't expected him to wake you up so early. 

"Mi queriiiidaaa~" He had tried first to be sweet, whispering in your ear and making you roll away from his interruption to your slumber. Rafael laughed aloud, following you by crawling over the sheets. "Mi preciosa queridaaaa~" Second attempt at least convinced you to open your eyes. 

"What?" You weren't exactly a morning person, but he knew this. Despite your gruff tone, he excitedly lay on the pillow across from your lazy stare. He was... happy. Too happy, too early. 

Suspiciously, you raised a brow, and rolled so you were propped up on an arm. You kept yourself covered with a sheet before finally obliging him; "Good morning, Rafi." 

"Good morning," He kissed your nose, the only interference to his beaming smile so far. "I have a surprise for you-"

Well, this could be either wonderful or terrifying. "A surprise?" you asked lazily, laying your head back down on the pillow but still facing your excited beau. "What kind of surprise?" 

He reached across, so he could comb through your hair with his fingers, inadvertently urging you back to lazy dream land. "The kind of surprise where you need to pack a bag." 

"A bag?" That surprised you enough to fight the urge of sleep. "A bag? Why?" 

"We're going on a trip, mi amor." His smile widened when your eyes shot open. "A trip with no emails, no work..." 

"No briefcase? Or files?" You asked, nearly sitting up in excitement at this point. Coffee still sounded nice, but the promise of a work free 'trip' was enough to wake you up. Even this early. 

"No briefcase." He nodded sternly, starting to slide off the bed so he could work on packing his own bag as he had instructed you to do. "No files, no lawyers, no anything except me and mi querida." 

"Really, Rafi?" Disbelief tainted your tone- this was awfully odd for him, but wonderful for you. 

He chuckled at you, while dragging a suitcase out from the closet. "Yes, yes, really- now get yourself together." Barba eyed your side of the closet; work clothes, an assortment of strappy and sweet dresses, bold skirts, and colored blouses- before solemnly shaking his head "Because you don't want me to pack your bag, I don't even understand half the clothes you own..." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Mi sirena" // "My mermaid"


	21. Créeme

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *kissy noises* Thank you all so much for the good wedding wishes!

White knuckles glared up at you from the arm rest of the seat. You were clutching onto the ends for dear life, despite the fact people were still boarding the flight. The perpetual feeling of doom lingered, oddly enough- you hadn't really struggled with anxiety or anything like it before. Then again, you'd only been on a plane a few times before. Staring out at the runway, the people looked like working ants, so tiny compared to your position so high above them all. So high.

“Mi querida?” Rafael leaned curiously towards you, eyes cast down at your grip on the seat. “Hey, you okay?” He was whispering, consolingly, and ran his fingertip along your knuckles as he waited for you to answer him. The touch made you jump, and he flinched immediately afterwards. 

“Yea-” You insisted rapidly, nodding fast enough to make him furrow an eyebrow. You certainly didn’t seem okay, and if you were honest, the fear pushing your blood through your veins made you not feel quite 'okay’ as well. You hated flying, you decided right there, even though the actual act itself hadn't taken place.

He didn’t believe you, but it only took him an additional few moments to realize your tension. “Oh my God," green eyes opened wide, and he tried his best to keep from grinning, "are you afraid of flying?”

“NO,” you nearly shouted, rousing a toddler behind you and causing the mother to sigh; you didn’t know how loud your voice was. “No,” you corrected yourself while shaking your head in denial. “No, I just don’t like take off… or landing.” Or planes, but that would be too much ammunition for his teasing. They were crowded and loud, you didn't like it, even in first class.

Barba smiled, biting his bottom lip to try and hide how amusing he thought it was. He was used to flying, he traveled often. However, he hadn’t expected you to feel so off about it. “Don’t worry," he was using that tone you'd use with a child, consoling with a hot dash of condescension; "you have a better chance of being in a car wreck than an airplane crash.”

"With the way you drive, probably," You huffed, not appreciating his jocular attitude towards your newly discovered phobia. He scoffed, placing a hand on his chest to show how you offended him before you continued; “At least in a car wreck I’d probably survive,” You retorted, gruffly, and he couldn’t contain his laughter at your morbid reasoning. He leaned over the seat, kissing your cheek as you pouted while staring out the little window.

“Take a nap, or get a drink, something,” He suggested, closing the little window so you could no longer shiver at the sight. “You’ll be fine, I promise.” His phone shook in his pocket, and he glanced down at the screen with a surprising amount of interest- at least, enough to pull you from your trance.

"What is it?" You asked curiously, and leaned towards him to rest your head on his shoulder. He put his hand on the other side of your face, successfully forcing you to look up at him instead of the text on his cell. He shook his head, before working on unbuttoning his seat belt. 

"I'll be right back," he whispered, though he still smiled, and kissed your forehead before turning to make his way down the aisle towards the back of the cabin.

"What?" Your anxiety returned, the idea of being alone when the plane took off made your face go white. "Rafael, why? No-" You grabbed for his wrist, stopping him in the middle of the aisle while other passengers attempted to file in behind him.

"I'll be right back, calm down," Rafael didn't mind the wait behind him, he ran a thumb from your ear to your chin by tracing your jaw line. "I promise, I'll be right back." You'd have to believe him. "Créeme."

The man behind him grunted, and a teenager wearing green headphones mocked him by doing the same. You let go, not that you wanted to, and grumpily went to looking out the window he had previously shut. Rafael disappeared behind the curtain separating first class from the rest of the boarders, and you grumbled to yourself about how he never listened to you. 

In fact, the only thought that trumped your fear of moving into the air, was simple; Didn't he say no work?

\---

You woke up alone the next morning, oddly enough. Rafael had purchased a beautiful suite for your Florida stay, overlooking the Atlantic since you had told him too many times before how beautiful you thought the ocean was. Gathering up the silk hotel sheets, you wrapped yourself up in the folds, using it as a makeshift robe for your exploration. First, you stumbled into the living room, and found your footing within your new golden cocoon while continuing your trek through the empty kitchen- this place was huge. It was easily larger than most of the apartments you'd be able to afford in the city, and the salt air wafting in through the windows made you feel at ease.

In fact, it was while glancing out those windows at a passing seagull, that you noticed Barba lounging on the terrace. Feet up on an end table, laptop propped up in his lap- no shirt and a pair of Harvard sweatpants Sonny had bought him as a joke. Before interrupting his peace, you admired him, it wasn't often anyone saw him not put together. A slight stubble on his chin with his 5'o clock shadow still bold, hair disheveled and blowing slightly in the wind. You bit your lip before working on opening the heavy door leading to the balcony.

He slammed the laptop shut as soon as he heard the sliding door open, fast enough to immediately garner your interest. "Hi," his voice was high, and despite your suspicion you returned it with a giggle. Apparently he hadn't been expecting you, but further, you wondered what on Earth he could be concealing. 'Trust', you reminded the little voice of jealousy and doubt in the back of your skull, 'trust'.

“What are you doing?” You asked sleepily, leaning against the door frame while waiting for him to answer. He flinched, and you dreamily crossed the divide so you could instead see over the railing. “How long have you been up?” He was being quiet, but you worked around it, standing close enough finally for him to reach out and touch the skin of your wrist.

“Not long,” Rafael smirked from his seat, ignoring your first question to instead examine your choice of wardrobe. His hand slid up your arm, until he reached the sheets wrapped around you. “Faaancy,” he teased while running the silk between his fingers. You giggled, tearing away the material from his hand. If he didn't want to talk about the laptop, you'd allow it. After all, this was supposed to be a vacation. AT least he was the one busy and not you.

“The finest attire for the finest of ladies,” you flirted, smiling ear to ear as you turned on your heel to go back inside. In an attempt to pull him in from the temptation of the tropical sun, you curled your finger while easing back into the cool air of the hotel room. “Come help me wake up, Rafi,” you begged softly, jutting out your bottom lip in hopes your pout could propel him. Thankfully, you were apparently more interesting than the laptop or the sea.

Rafael scrambled to his feet, nearly dropping the laptop to the tile in the process. It didn’t take much convincing to get him to follow after you, desperately. “I can do that,” he hastened his steps, but you matched each one, taunting him by putting as much space between you two as he managed to overcome. His eyebrow raised, as you scurried to the opposite side of the bed with the top of your sheet-robe precariously clutched to your chest. “Oh yea?” He asked, feigning a dart to the right- you fell for it, bolting to the left before pausing to see he hadn’t actually moved. 

“Gotta catch me first,” you advised coquettishly, batting your lashes and biting at your bottom lip. Barba nodded slowly, showing he was more than willing to play- then made a swift run towards the foot of the bed, apparently planning to catch you on your side. You lunged, fumbling over the folds of your robe as you climbed atop the bed so you could tumble to your feet onto the side he had previously been on.

He laughed, and you thought you'd melt at the sound. “You think you’re soooo clever-” Rafael took a few steps towards the foot of the bed again, and you went to repeat your previous move. He was too smart, though, and instead dove head first onto the bed as you struggled to overcome the obstacle of your lengthy skirt. Reaching for you, he managed to grab two hefty fistfuls of the silk and gave a rough tug so you couldn’t get away.

The pull kept you on the bed, not that you had tried too terribly to escape. “You tricked me!” You accused in a girlish squeal, all while struggling to keep up the the front of your DIY-covering.

“Mhmmmm,” Rafael confirmed, humming against your shoulder blade before leaving a trail of kisses down your arm to your wrist. “That’s my job, to keep you on your toes,” he gave another hard pull on the sheets so you couldn’t hold them up any longer; he had earned his prize. The cool material pooled around you, leaving you revealed and bare, and your beau smiled as if he had just unwrapped the best present from Christmas morning. You threw your arms in the air, and he eagerly coiled his arms around you so you couldn’t change your mind regarding exposure.

You giggled as his lips fumbled over your collarbone, leaving a trail of sloppy kisses from your chest down to your sternum. He paused, surprising you a bit, when he leaned his cheek against your breast so his ear could lay over your heart. Raking your fingers through his hair, you brought him down with you as you lay back against the pillows, and he carefully shifted so he’d be lying on top of you.

“You’re beautiful,” he mumbled, though it was muffled since his lips were still stubbornly pressed against your skin. You laughed aloud, squirming a bit beneath his weight, trying to ignore the goosebumps as they ignited over all your visible limbs. Moments later, he expertly slid his legs to either side of your thighs and cupped your right breast in his warm hand; you sighed as his kisses moved to the hollow of your throat, eyelids fluttering while his other hand worked to guide your arms up, up, up above your head. A subtle shift and he was straddling you, hovering just over your pelvis as he gently tangled his fingers with yours and applied just enough pressure to keep your fists in the pillows. The ivory strings of his crimson pants tickled your belly just below your navel- you squirmed a bit to relieve the sensation, and rocked your hips just enough so your skin grazed the growing bulge caused by his manhood.

"And you're trouble," Rafael taunted, keeping his left hand tangled in yours while using his right to draw a solid, invisible line; from your lips, over the mountain of your chin, to the valley of your throat- swift detour to adequately figure-8 and trace your breasts, before finally slipping over the soft of your belly. He pressed the ball of his palm down against your private garden, and you sighed aloud, convincing him to continue the gently pressure.

"The best kind of trouble," you suggested in a daze, opening your eyes in just enough time to gaze at his devilish grin.

"Si, mi querida," He bowed to kiss your lips before speaking against them; "Y me encanta meterse en problemas."

\---

You both had fallen asleep after your morning escapade, tangled in each other and the cool sheets you had been wrapped in- but surprisingly, you woke up an hour later just as you had that morning. Alone.

Slightly annoyed, you hopped from the bed, and quickly threw on the nearest nightgown you could locate. First, you checked the balcony- no Barba. Second, thinking perhaps he was trying to sneak in some work, you nosily peered into the living room. No Barba. You crossed your arms, noting that the laptop he had been on was sat on a counter. Curiously, you opened the little computer, and a photograph of you and Rafael flashed on the screen along with a request for a password.

Password? Since when did he have a password on the laptop? You two had shared it before, you had done work of your own on it not even two weeks ago while lounged in his office. There wasn't a password then.

The door to the hotel suite opened, very quietly and purposefully, and you jumped out of surprise. As he had done that morning, you slammed the laptop shut, but this time you glared suspiciously in his direction. "Where were you?" You asked bluntly, eyeing his nervous face as he threw the hotel key onto the table top.

"Exploring, I didn't want to wake you," Rafael chuckled, holding your chin with his thumb and forefinger so he could guide you through your hesitancy and into a kiss. Something about it was odd, you thought he was actually lying to you. Had he ever done that before? You didn't think so, but you wilted when his lips pressed against yours.

He noticed, and tried to work through the awkward moment with his typical charm. "Let's go out tonight, we can go shopping before dinner?" He ran his hands along your arms, ignoring your obviously doubtful expression. "There's a little place right by the beach, we can watch the sunset..."

You were being silly, you decided. Of all the odd things you've been through with Barba, none of it had included him directly lying to you. "Sure, yea," You fluttered your fingers, and eased the corners of your lips up into a smile. "Yea, I'd like that."

"Perfect," He let go of you, turning to make his way back to the bedroom and all the clothes you two had brought. You watched him go, but couldn't help yourself from noticing how his hair had been done and his chin had been shaved. Who had he been trying to look so composed for while you had been napping?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Créeme." // "Trust me."  
> "Y me encanta meterse en problemas." // "And I love getting into trouble."


	22. Suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First n' Foremost, *wiggle dance* happy SVU day, pretty stoked on seeing the new episode tonight. Anyways~

“Si,” Rafael had suddenly answered his phone, you didn’t think you had even heard it ring, and immediately resorted to his native tongue. 

You looked up from your book for a moment, a hardback you had found on the shelves of an oddity shop you two stumbled upon while on your way to dinner. Rafael was speaking in Spanish, using hushed tones that could either be construed as publicly polite or suspicious. You were leaning towards the latter. 

“Yo sólo quiero que sea una sorpresa.” Most likely, you were leering, which caused a nervous smile to spread over his lips. He held up a finger, signifying that he’d be a moment, and made his way out of the little store. “Ella es sospechosa,” you heard briefly before he was finally through the heavy door, “Pero al menos ella no lo sabe.” 

The storeowner was following your stare, and chuckled to himself after Barba disappeared. Now in a rush, you set the book you had found on the counter, and noted how a surveillance sign was listed in both English and Spanish. “You speak Spanish?” You asked conversationally, and politely retrieved payment from your purse as he went to scan the merchandise. 

“Sure do,” the older man advised, nodding while doing so. “Nine fifty for the book, ma’am.” 

“Do you know what he said?” You handed over a ten dollar bill, and he diligently went to retrieving your change while nodding slowly. 

“Sure do,” he gave you back your fifty cents, smirking a bit behind his beard and mustache. Silence, awkward silence came after. You had been hoping you wouldn’t have to be too persistent. 

Finally, you broke the tension, “Can you tell me what he said?” 

“Sure can’t,” he handed you a couple business cards, hoping you could take them back with you to wherever you’re from. You rolled your eyes, and he laughed louder, giving you a small wave as you twisted to go out the door Rafael had disappeared behind. “Have a good night, ma’am.” 

\--- 

"Why is this so nerve wracking?" Barba went back to English as soon as he heard the door shut behind him, yet lowered his decibels to a whisper. "I feel like I'm about to talk to a Grand Jury." 

Olivia laughed from her end of the line. "It's good though, it'd be way worse if you weren't nervous," she suggested while grabbing her luggage from the baggage carousel. "And you better not chicken out; I have to fly back in the morning." 

"I don't chicken out, ever," He hissed, aggravated by not only his friend's taunting, but the unfamiliar emotions and adrenaline in his veins. Quickly, his annoyance switched to reverence- he appreciated her talking to him during the struggle, and didn't want to sound otherwise. "I know, and thank you for even coming out this far-"

She didn't mind the bad attitude, she expected it. "Of course I would. Can't let you freak out alone, you should be thanking Ed for watching Noah." Olivia made it out into the Florida sun, and squint against the rays. Way too bright out here, and way too hot. "So do you think she knows?" 

"I'm not freaking out." Barba grunted, but it was almost a whine. "No, I definitely don't," He glanced over his shoulder and saw you checking out with the shop owner. He needed to get off the phone. "But I think she's very, very upset with me." 

"You're probably acting odd." His friend suggested lightly, while hailing a taxi. 

He gawked at the phone, breaking his whispering streak, "I'm not acting odd!" Barba sounded offended, and he pulled at his shirt collar to try and get some air. It was getting harder and harder to breathe as the day went on. "I'm totally cool," he insisted, hushed; "I'm always cool." 

Olivia didn't believe him, but she wouldn't harass him anymore. "Okay, okay, I gotta go." She went to work slinging her luggage into the backseat before joining the bag. "I'll see you tonight." 

Perfect timing, Barba hung up the moment he noticed you coming from the door, noticeably without saying 'goodbye'. You were pouting, and making no attempts to hide it. "You left me," you tried to tease, a sad smirk trying to force its way on your face. 

Rafael flinched, leaning to kiss your plumped lip as an unspoken apology. "I was checking on our reservations," he lied. He wasn't very good at it, especially to you. 

"In Spanish?" Challenging his statement, you let him coil an arm over your shoulders so he could knowingly lead you to the restaurant he had been talking about. "I thought it was an Italian place?" 

He looked down at you, the nervous grin fading away as an impressed smile spread over his handsome face. You didn't want to, but you hesitantly simpered despite his lack of response. Changing the subject, Rafael took the book from you with his free hand, and examined the worn edges. "You read the craziest stuff," he conceded before handing it back, and you let the secret phone conversation remain just that. For now. 

\--- 

“You’re acting odd.” 

Rafael nearly dropped his fork when you made the seemingly random accusation, perking an eyebrow with intense curiosity. “I am not,” he advised concretely, trying to glide off the subject by stabbing at his salad. “How’s your pasta?” 

“Rafi, yes you are,” You had barely touched your pasta; you hadn’t been able to find your appetite. You two were supposed to be having fun, this was a vacation- but it was strikingly obvious there was something on his mind that he wasn’t sharing. “Are you upset with me?" You finally asked in a whisper, hoping it wasn't something you had done without realizing it. 

“No,” Rafael was so insistent he stopped eating, and reached over your plates so he could take hold of your wrist. You let him, and watched carefully as he pulled on you so he could close both of his hands around yours. “What made you think I was upset with you?” While kissing your knuckles, you saw genuine contrition in his eyes. It was both reassuring and curious. 

You shrugged, balancing yourself with your elbows on the table. “You’ve just been odd, acting all secretive,” it sounded silly when you said it out loud. He nodded though, seemingly in understanding, and you narrowed your stare as he did. Perhaps he wasn't trying to throw himself under the bus, but he'd sure fit well. “I usually don’t feel like you’re hiding something from me, but this time it definitely feels like you are.” 

“ _Your Name_ ,” He rocked your hands between you two; “I must just be off, jetlagged still.” 

“We flew in two days ago,” you at least wanted him to stop being condescending, the half-assed lies. If there wasn’t anything odd going on and you were being crazy, you imagined he’d have told you so by now. Yes, your beau was kind, but he wasn’t one to bite his tongue very often. “You told me not to keep anything inside; you can’t do it either…” Still hushed, hoping not to cause a scene or embarrass him. 

“Lo siento,” he retorted, uniquely at a loss of defense. That left few options; you were either right, or he was trying to avoid an argument. “I’m sorry, I’ve just had a bit on my mind, and it’s weird not being at work.” Rafael released you, and went back to his plate, smirking slyly as he put a bite in his mouth. "Do you still want to go to the beach tonight?" 

You leaned back in your chair, and went back to scooting your pasta around on your plate. "Yea, absolutely," excitement wasn't in your voice, and he tried his very best not to appear disappointed. "I'd love to." 

"Mi querida," he sang out the pet name in the most saccharine voice you had ever heard from him. "It's going to be beautiful," Rafael lay his promise before leaving you with another; "I'm going to make it up to you, okay? I love you." 

Plucking your wine glass from the table, you took a generous sip. "Okay, babe," You nodded gingerly, willing to drop the topic if it would help you both enjoy the other. "Okay, Rafi, I love you too." 

\--- 

It was beautiful out that night; the sunset had caused the sky to explode with pink and purple light, it was prettier than any photograph or painting you had ever seen. Even the ones that decorated the walls in Barba's office, even the prints in the magazines and travel guides you had read while on the plane. It was so stunning; in fact, that for the most part you had forgotten all the emotional speed bumps you had been through that day. At least, for the most part, until you noticed your love wasn't admiring the sky as you were. 

Rafael was trembling, actually physically shaking. It made you the nervous one for a change, the only time he had acted even remotely like this before was when you two had been approached in the street. Certainly, there didn't appear to be anything immediately threatening you or him, not on this beautiful beach. He had been suspicious this whole vacation and you were wondering when his reasoning would be made clear, or if he'd ever get that far. Were you in queue for an apology, or an excuse? 

Finally, your man spoke; “remember when I told you that nothing scares me?” He asked gently, hands still shoved in his pockets while you ran your palms up and down his arm closest to you. His shirt sleeves had been rolled up, so your fingers toyed with the bunched material since he wouldn't take your hand. You may not know why you were consoling him, but you desperately wanted to calm him down. All you wanted was for him to be enjoying this time together, but it looked like he'd be sick. The trip had been immaculate; you weren’t sure what had him so distressed. 

“I do,” you confirmed just as softly, and smiled while hugging his arm to your chest. “Of course I do, you’re invincible.” You teased, kissing his jaw and eliciting a dramatically nervous grin from him. Silence, and he gazed down at you for a few moments before finally speaking again. 

“Well,” he tensed, you could feel it, and he inappropriately chuckled. “I’m scared shitless right now,” Rafael finally confessed. His stare fell to his shoes, and you saw beads of sweat sprouting on his face. You don't think you'd ever seen him so direly on edge before. 

You were suddenly even more concerned, and you let go of his arm so you could use a hand to turn his face your way. His cheek felt clammy against your palm, you thought he was about to fall into an anxiety attack or something. Barba, anxiety? It was too off, too unnatural. “Rafi, what’s bothering you?” Your own face fell, you thought you would cry, and his brows spiked to attention when he noticed your frown. "Have I done something wrong?" 

“No, no, no mi querida-” He urgently cupped your face in his hands, and kissed the tip of your worried nose, thankful for your concern even if it was misplaced. This was awe inspiring, how his fear could rattle your bones as much as it did his. You two were one and the same, it was inspiring, it was nirvana. “Puedo hacer esto,” Rafael mumbled mostly to himself, leaving the look of disorientation to overtake your features as he released his hold on you. 

“What? What does that mean? What’s wrong?” You were getting increasingly frustrated- he was hiding something from you, it was clear as day, and why would he choose now of all times to do so? This was not a time for Spanish. You needed answers. 

Rafael closed his eyes as you interrogated him, waiting patiently for you to cease fire before beginning. “ _Your Name_ ,” The way he said it brought you some solace, each syllable sounded like bells ringing in the orchestra. “You are… you’re immaculate. You’re everything I could have ever dreamed of and more than anything I’ve ever deserved.” The confession made you smile, albeit involuntarily, and you didn’t understand why he was so stressed about revealing that to you, of all things. “I- I love you,” he stuttered, which was also out of the norm for him, so you tried to calm him via assurance. 

“I love you too, Rafael,” You giggled, trying to grab for his hands, but he wouldn't let you take them. Instead, his fists went back to his pockets, and you recoiled. Why was he acting like this? He never refused you. 

“I’ve never been scared of anything,” he went on as if you hadn’t even spoke, reciting words that had been on his heart for far too long now- he had memorized each one. “Until I met you and fell in love with you; you’re so much, your existence just makes my world finally spin slowly enough that I can enjoy it, and I enjoy everything with you.” His green eyes closed, and you thought the air around you two dissipated when Rafael nervously dropped to one knee in the middle of the sandy beach. Your hands flew to your face, covering your open mouth. This, you hadn't expected. “I don’t want that to go away, you’re the innocence I’ve needed in my life, and I never want to feel scared again; the only way I can guarantee that-”

The hands that had refused your touch came out of those damned pockets, and a little black box was procured in his palm. He opened it, and tears welled in your eyes; a rose gold engagement ring adorned with diamonds and fit for a princess sat inside. “Is if I know you’ll be with me for the rest of my life.” Now his eyes welled up with apprehensive tears- Rafael Barba was on his knee and nearly crying. You never thought you'd see such a sight. “I love you, mi querida, you’re the best thing to ever happen to me,” the lump in his throat forced him to pause. “ _Your Name_ , please, make me the luckiest man in the world- will you marry me?” 

You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t nod or shake your head. Instead, your own knees went weak, and you fell to them so each leg landed on either side of your darling Rafael. Unblushingly, you tackled him with a vigorous embrace, and his precarious position forced him to fall into the yellow sand with you eagerly tumbling after him. His face- you couldn’t kiss it enough, you peppered all of his smiling skin with peck after loving peck, ignoring the sand as it tangled in your hair and skirt. Barba wrapped his arms around your waist, still clinging to the ring box, and tried his best to kiss any of you he could reach while you assaulted him with your own smooches. 

“Did she even say Yes?” You were torn from your entrancement when a familiar voice rang out some feet behind you. Quickly, you turned to where the sound had come from. Was that Sonny? 

“I think that’s better than a yes,” out from the surrounding darkness came your friends- Olivia, Carisi with his video camera, and Rollins in tow. 

Your hands covered your lips again at the surprise; your dear friends were even here. “How did you hide them for the last three days?” You were crying, ugly-crying, now sitting in the sand as Rafael pulled himself up so he was alongside you. "Is this why you've been acting so weird?" 

“Very carefully, Olivia just got here though, and I have NOT been acting weird.” He sniffed and wiped at his cheeks, trying to hide his own happy tears as he reached across you to get your left hand. “Carisi can’t stay quiet for the life of him, it's awful; do you know how hard it is to get him to keep a secret?” Rafael teased while eagerly slipping the gold band onto your ring finger. “He didn’t even know what was going on until he got here.” You squealed at the sight of his gift on your left hand, going back to kissing your lover even though you two were still on the ground. 

Finally, the trio made it to where you sat. “Show me the rock before you two get a room,” Rollins teased, not even worried about interrupting your affections while grabbing your hand from your now-fiancé. She whistled loudly in admiration. Carisi came bounding by, zooming in his camera so he could get a good shot of the glimmering gold and your matching smile. 

“My little cousin, engaged to the ADA,” He had no shame in his emotional tears, despite Barba trying to hide his own. “I’m so happy for you, I can’t believe you’re gonna get married,” he wiped his fingers under his eyes, not noticing Amanda staring at him in mild disbelief. "We gotta get planning and get you a dress, and oh man." Quickly, he bent the best he could, nearly dropping the camera as he kissed the top of your head. 

Rollins rolled her eyes at her sentimental friend. "You're a wedding planner too?" She asked Carisi, who teasingly glared at her in response. 

“Congratulations you two,” Olivia held an arm down, helping him to his feet before doing the same for you. Just as Amanda had done, she carefully examined the ring. "It looks even better now that it's on," she smirked at you, making it clear that she had helped pick it out. You hugged her, and she laughed while returning the embrace. 

With all the love going around, he couldn’t resist- Carisi boldly surprised Barba, who had been watching on as you girls cooed over the other, by wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug. "Barba, you're family now!" He cheered, and your fiancé went doe eyed as he was smashed against the taller man's chest. "My cousin in law right here," Sonny added as an announcement to the group, rustling his hair and leaving Rafael looking disheveled and mildly uncomfortable. 

"Well, now, I need a drink-" He reached for you, and you closed the gap to entangle your fingers with his own, while nodding in vibrant agreement. 

"Let's go celebrate," you finally suggested, admiring the gleam of your ring in the fading sunlight. 

"Yea!" Your excited, teary-eyed cousin cheered again, eagerly putting an arm over you and Barba while the other two women tried to hide their laughter. "My little family here needs to celebrate, let's get to it! Drinks on me!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Yo sólo quiero que sea una sorpresa.” // "I just want it to be a surprise."  
> “Ella es sospechosa,” // "She is suspicious,"  
> “Pero al menos ella no lo sabe.” // "But at least she does not know."  
> “Puedo hacer esto,” // "I can do this,"


	23. Camera Issues

You ran your hand along Sonny’s spine, trying to console him like you would have done back when you were younger. “Hey, it’ll be okay, we’ll get you a new camera.” He shrugged you off of him, still agitated, and went back to staring at the baggage claim signs while waiting for it to announce your flight's arrival. 

“How did you lose it?” Amanda was dumbfounded; he had just had that camera with him at the other airport. He had been taunting her with it, trying to joke with her by recording her documentary-style throughout the walk until you all had gotten on the plane. "You had that thing in my face the whole way to our seats." 

“I don’t know,” he grunted, shrugging you off of him again after you tried to hug him. Carisi stood stubborn, crossing his arms and tapping his big toe like an angry father. "I had the damn thing, it couldn't have gone anywhere, and it was supposed to be in the overhead compartment." 

It was sad to see the typically happy Carisi so upset. "Did someone grab it on accident?" Olivia asked briskly, trying to stay positive and remind him of his own optimism. "Maybe they turned it in..." 

Barba cocked his head, "How would he know if someone else grabbed it on accident?" You pinched him in the soft meat of his arm, causing him to jump. Now wasn't the time to be right. He glared at you, taking a few side steps away to prove how offended he was. He thought it was a good point. 

"It'll be okay, Sonny," You let Rafael pout while you went to hug Sonny around his chest. "We’ll either find it or get you a new one." 

"It's not about the camera, _Your Name_!" He insisted roughly, even raising his voice and convincing you to recoil. "It's the memories, they're gone, I had damn good videos on that-"

"Calm down," brave Rollins approached him, placing her palms on both of his shoulders so he couldn't rid himself of her if he tried. "You still got the memories in your head, you remember everything, just chill out." She shook him, and then started rocking him side to side. Sonny couldn't resist, so he bit into his lip to try and keep his smile hidden. 

"I loved that camera," He huffed, and Rollins nodded slowly to try and show she understood. Sympathy was hard for her, but she was trying. "I loved being able to record everybody, whenever I wanted, it was nice-"

"It'll be okay, Carisi," Barba finally joined the pity party, patting him hard on the back. "You'll find new ways to be annoying. You always do." 

\--- 

“I saw the photos of you at the gala a couple months ago,” Smith glanced up from the pictures of victims Rollins had spread on a table for him to review. He locked eyes with Barba, who had been lounged in a chair across from him so he could listen in on the interview. 

Barba pointed at his own chest and raised his eyebrows, before confirming that he and Rollins were the only two in the room other than the prisoner in orange himself. “Me?” He feigned shock, straightening his posture a bit at being referenced. So far he had been an ornament in the room, a second set of ears and eyes while Rollins did what she did best. Now he apparently meant something. 

“Yea,” Smith confirmed with a chuckle, still obviously ignoring the photographs laid out in front of him. “You had on a great suit.” He complimented boldly. 

“Did you see the cufflinks?” Usually, Barba wouldn’t bite at the bait, but this was the first time Smith had even been remotely uncooperative with the detectives. Even so, his comments weren’t towards anyone who put him in jail. Just him. Odd, but fascinating. “They’re one of a kind.” He continued, grinning a bit while keeping a close eye on the prisoner’s face. The detectives needed him to help them out by admitting which victims were his and which were his partner’s, so Barba was desperately hoping to keep him in a good mood. Even if it meant playing along. 

“I did, they were astounding.” His handcuffs rattled as he leaned forward, his hands had been secured behind his chair, through the gaps in the back. “But man, that dress your date wore,” he whistled in admiration, and the jovial air was quickly sucked from the room. “She’s a beaut, Barba. A real beauty." He ran his tongue thoughtfully along the inside of his bottom lip. "I didn’t see a ring on her finger, though-”

“You should check again after next week’s charity event,” He leaned forward, actually slipping and allowing a sentimental grin to spread across his face. It had only been a week since you two got engaged, but he still loved it. Too much, probably, but it was a great warmth to keep him tethered through the evil cold he dealt with daily. “But first, we need you to take a look at these women.” Barba tapped at the table, trying to draw his attention back to the case, and off of him. Or you. 

It didn’t work. “Oh yea, congratulations!” Smith's eyes went wide, and he clapped his hands the best he could behind his back like a trained seal. There was something off about it all, though. Barba almost thought this was staged; the slight paranoia convinced him to look over his shoulder and check to be sure guards stood outside the door. He thought he saw them. Smith ignored the prompting, and continued brashly; “Will she be coming to the party?” 

“What party?” Rollins interrupted quickly, finding it to be an odd statement to make. Apparently she had an off feeling about the turn this conversation took, too. She’d usually let Barba handle his own banter, but the look on his face led her to believe he may require some backup for this one. “Who all’s comin’?” Suspiciously, she turned back to their suspect. 

Laughter from the other side of the tracks; in fact, Smith laughed so hard he started coughing, and took a few moments to recover. “It’s Rafael’s party, not yours,” he advised her, interrupting himself with his own snickering. "But we'd love if your soon to be bride could come as well." 

Rollins switched attention back to Barba, whose gaze was locked and loaded on the jocular Smith. But he wasn’t laughing, and certainly didn’t look like he was excited about this party. “Barba?” Rollins leaned down, trying to convince him to let her in on the apparent secret. It didn't even seem like the ADA was breathing. 

"She'd be the guest of honor;" Smith's final taunt was the straw that broke Barba's restraint. 

Instead of indulging his partner, Barba stood up so fast the chair he had been sitting in fell to the floor with a clatter. In one motion, he swiftly shoved the photos and folders off the table, causing Rollins to jump out of the way and shout. Smith didn’t waver, not once, but instead matched the heightened tensions by rising to his own feet. The metal chair dangled from his wrists. 

“Sorry, you prefer ‘Rafi’?” Smith questioned as Barba leaned forward enough to nearly come nose to nose with the cretin. He had a few inches on your fiancé, but your man didn’t so much as blink. “Florida looked beautiful.” Guards were rapidly fidgeting with keys and door handles to try and intervene, while Rollins stood frozen in shock. She'd never seen Barba lose his cool like this, not at work, on the job. 

“It’s all off.” Barba insisted sharply, nearly growling through his anger at this point. “I don’t need your help and you’re going to rot in here." He jabbed at the larger man with a fingertip, "no plea deal, nothing.” His sullen features were mocked by Smith’s roar of laughter. 

"You can lock me up but that won't do shit for you," With his hands restrained, he couldn't do much, so Smith decided to literally spit in Barba's face. Still, he didn’t flinch, he wouldn’t let this murderer see him scared. "You've got some fun enemies, Rafael Barba. They're good at convincing people." 

Luckily for one of them, the guards made it into the room, and rapidly went to pinning Smith against the opposite wall. Rafael gathered his suitcase, leaving the mess on the floor and the chaos behind him as he tore his way out of the room. 

"Where are you going?" Rollins shouted after him, knowing she couldn't follow since she needed to handle the lost paperwork. He didn't answer; he was too busy dialing numbers on his phone and waiting for a ring. 

\---

He came in the door looking like a kicked puppy, or a boy who lost his lunch money on the way to school. You put down your book, and perked an eyebrow as he chose to drop his things haphazardly to the floor- he usually took time putting his effects in the right place. 

"Rafi?" You asked, gently, as if he'd get scared off if you spoke any louder. You were hidden under a blanket, having already changed into an immodest night gown reaching just to the top of your thighs. 

His lazy gaze fell on you, and he nodded silently while working on loosening his tie. Quiet Rafael was rarely a good Rafael. "How was work?" You wouldn't mention how you'd tried to call a few times, or how he hadn't returned your texts. You were just glad he finally made it home. 

"Dreadful," he answered simply, before strolling across the room and collapsing into the corner of the large sofa. He had chosen a spot a bit away from you, but you wouldn't let the gap remain for long. 

You nodded solemnly. "Do you wanna talk about it?" Slowly, you crawled over the few cushions separating you from him, until you could kiss his cheek and rest your chin on his shoulder. 

"No," he didn't mean to be so terse, but what else was there to say when he really didn't want to speak about what had happened? Not yet, at least. Nodding, you continued your short trek until you could hike a leg over his lap and straddle him. 

"Have you eaten?" His hands fell to your bare thighs, and yours went to work on his tie. "Coffee doesn't count," you clarified with a sweet smirk- he didn't smile back. Rafael shook his head after taking a moment to think about it, and you frowned until your downturned lips mirrored his. "I can cook you something," You offered promptly, fixing your posture a bit so you hovered just above him. "Anything sound good?" 

Rafael peered over to the clock- it was late. "You don't need to start cooking, you're too good to me;" he said it as if he was surprised, and you followed his eyes over to the time. "It's almost midnight, you work early." His hands tightened on your legs, so you couldn't parade off to the kitchen even if you wanted to. "Why are you even still up?" 

"Well I wanted to know you made it home alright." You laced your hands behind his neck, using him as leverage while leaning back a bit. "Now what do you want to-" 

"I don't want dinner," Rafael conceded before leaning forward to rest his face on your chest. His nose hit your sternum, and he leaned his cheek against your skin as he inhaled your perfume; he could close his eyes and picture the little pink bottle it came from. One of his favorites. When it came to you, he had a lot of favorites. You allowed him to rest, combing your fingers through his hair while he held onto his own hands behind your back. A few minutes later; "I want Bourbon." 

You cringed; liquor before dinner? Whatever. "God, what happened today?" Carefully, you climbed off of your spot on his lap, and went to the little liquor cart he kept in the corner of the room. At first, you had thought it was a bit pretentious, but realizing all the drinks he had in the living room certainly proved its usefulness. 

"Bad deal," he wasn't lying. By omission, maybe, but that's questionable. 

You nodded slowly while fixing his drink. "That bad?" The bottle went back on the cart with the familiar 'click' of glass against glass. He nodded sadly, pinching the bridge of his nose to battle a headache he felt rising. Delicately, while balancing his drink in your hands, you went back to straddling his lap. Finally, your efforts were rewarded with a small smirk, and he took the glass for himself. 

"That bad." His confirmation was quickly followed with a hefty sip of his bourbon. You lay against his chest, slipping down just enough so you could rest your cheek on his shoulder. Rafael held his glass with one hand, and smoothed his other up and down the silk of your nightgown. "You're tired, you should get some sleep." 

You wagged your head in protest, and he laughed lightly. "I'll go to bed when you go to bed," you insisted stubbornly. Before he could argue, you squirmed in his lap so you could press your nose and lips against the soft hollow of his throat. "Rafi, do you love me?" 

He flinched, as if you had punched him instead of asked him a simple question. "Of course I do?" His response came out as a question, though he didn't mean it that way. You should know that answer already. 

"Then don't shut me out," your eyes were closed, so you wouldn't have seen his head droop, or how he nearly dropped his glass at the statement. However, you could feel his chest inflate as he sucked in air, hoping to breathe in bravado with the oxygen. He rocked his shoulder, knocking you and convincing you to raise your head, and he chugged the rest of his drink in a single impressive gulp. 

Something switched, it was almost as if he was trying to dissociate. "There's a murderer at the prison we needed some answers from, corpse clarification basically." He was so monotone; it almost felt as if you were listening to a news story. "Rollins had all these pictures out, but he kept talking to me, brought up the gala and my-" he made air quotes, "astounding", an eye roll- "cufflinks." Your brows furrowed and he waved his empty glass between you. "Can you get me another, mi querida?" 

Obediently, you crawled off of his lap again, almost stumbling over your own feet in your rush. He lounged his arms out behind him as he continued the tale he had been hoping not to recount, watching carefully as you worked on getting his Bourbon. "He complimented your dress, your beauty, I can't blame him," he chuckled under his breath. "Brought up how there wasn't a ring in the pictures." 

You sat at his side this time, curling your legs up with you as you handed over the glass. He took another big drink; you wondered how anyone could keep that dark liquid down on an empty stomach. "I told him to check again after the- oh;" his eyes lit up and he put a hand on your knee, "there's a charity event we're going to next week, by the way." He waited for you to nod to show you understood, and agreed, before going on. 

"Anyways," his hand left your skin and he flit his fingers in the air. "He congratulated us, and brought up my-" air quotes again- "party." 

You frowned, knowing what that meant. Another threat, this time brazen enough to be said to his face. "Rafi, I-"

You were interrupted. "He said Florida was beautiful." Rafael took a second chug of Bourbon, there was maybe one more hefty drink left, at the rate he was going. "I didn't mention Florida." 

"Did Amanda?" You suggested gently, running your hand along his thigh to keep his attention from traveling. He denied it while shaking his head, but also shrugged, he could be wrong. 

"It came out of nowhere," He cleaned off the drink, before holding it out towards you as he had done only a handful of minutes before. "Can you get me another, mi querida?" 

Slowly, sternly, you shook your head to signify you would not be doing that. You took the glass from him, setting it on the coffee table before wrapping your arms around his chest and resting your face against his cool work shirt. "No, Rafi," you insisted further. "No, you need to go to sleep. Let's go to bed, please." 

He huffed, but didn't argue, and worked on rising to his feet while also pulling you to standing along with him. The walk to the bedroom was a silent one, with his fingers tangled in yours. What were you supposed to say, to think? Somehow someone inside a jail knew you two had gone to Florida, how could anyone have known that unless the detectives told them? Even you had been relatively quiet about the surprise engagement, for obvious reasons, it made no sense that-

The lightbulb flashed above you. "Rafael," you froze in your steps, and your fiancé nearly knocked you over when he accidentally ran into you. Spinning on your heels, you confronted him, and placed your hands on his chest until his green eyes met yours. "Rafi, Sonny's camera. Did he ever find it?" 

He cocked his head, what an odd time to be worried about a camera. "No, he's been whining about it all day, Rollins told me-" His voice faded off as his gaze narrowed onto yours. You nodded, hoping the bright man you knew wasn't too far under the two glasses of Bourbon to hit the same possibility. By how he grabbed your face to kiss you, and mumble 'you're so smart' against your lips- apparently there was a chance you were on to something. "I need to get flight logs," he started ranting, moving past you and rushing his way towards his home office. You had to nearly jog on tip toes to follow him. 

"Rafi-" You tried to call to him, but he wasn't there, he was back in ADA mode. 

"I need to know everyone on that flight, I need a warrant," It sounded like he was talking to you, but you knew he wasn't. "I need to call Carisi, and Olivia-"

You groaned, leaning against the door frame to his office while sleepily rubbing at your eyes. Of course, you considered insisting he go to sleep. Further, you considered just going to bed without him. His face, though, that fear in his voice; you couldn't leave him like this. He logged into his computer, apparently more alert now than he had been since he walked into the door. 

You watched for a few minutes as he fumbled through a little black book of numbers, likely looking for a judge who may be up late or up early the next morning. Realizing you were watching him, he hesitantly caught your stare, and gave you the most sheepish smirk you had ever seen. Your smart man was on a mission, and you wouldn't steer him off course. This was why you loved him so dearly, after all. 

"I'll make coffee," your arms stretched high above your head as you turned to wander down the hallway towards the kitchen. Apparently it was going to be a long night. "And you're going to eat whatever I make for dinner." 


	24. Flipside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooo, I decided to play around on Tumblr with this fanfiction stuff. Hoping for some prompts or whatever, but it's also just fun to post pictures / music I find on there too, plus I like saving my drafts there... so if anyone's interested: [OhBelieveYouMe](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ohbelieveyoume)

“Hey-” Rafael spoke loudly, but when he looked up as well, he immediately hushed himself. You had fallen asleep, curled up lazily in the loveseat you had brought with you from your old apartment. You had been reading, a pretentious book by an author whose name you could barely pronounce, but somewhere between Rafi’s realization and Chapter 7- you had dozed off. 

He watched you for a moment; the way your chest raised and fell with the book lying atop of you, how your hair fell over the arm of the chair like a waterfall, how peaceful the slight smirk pulling at your lips looked. What could you be dreaming about? 

Glancing to the clock, he felt sick to his stomach. It was nearly three in the morning. He knew you had work early; you usually left before him since he liked to work later instead of going to the office at the crack of dawn. You were his favorite alarm clock, his good morning song. Well, you were everything. 

Decidedly, Rafael began tidying up his desk, creating a pile for 'taking to the office’ and another for 'giving to Olivia’. He liked keeping things organized; life was chaotic enough without clutter causing even more troubles. Once satisfied that he could pick up from where he intended to leave off, he rose to his feet, and stretched his arms high above his head. 

He dropped to crouching, once he was in front of the loveseat. Of course, he planned on moving you to the bedroom, but it almost felt like a misdeed. You were so peaceful, so perfect. Always waiting for him or on him- bringing coffee late into the night, a hearty post-midnight dinner, trying to keep him company while he paid such little attention to you. Disturbing you felt like a crime, but leaving you felt even worse. 

“Mi Amor,” he whispered so very gently, and you lazily rolled to the inside of the loveseat. Rafael chuckled as you mumbled something between a 'no' and a grunt. "Mii Amoooor," second try, and he upped his chances by carefully running a hand down your back. The touch did it, and you jumped awake in surprise. Your head hit the edge of the loveseat, and you whined out loud as he struggled to hide his chuckling. 

“Honey, let’s go to bed,” he begged softly, and you mumbled under your breath while rubbing the back of your skull. You nodded, and lazily wrapped your arms over his shoulders since he was crouched directly in front of you. Rafael stood with you, helping you to your feet and letting you use his neck as leverage. 

“I love you,” you managed through sleepy sighs, and he kissed your cheek in return. “Did you get…” a confused look glazed over your eyes and he laughed while untangling your hands from behind him, so he could twist you and begin walking you to the bedroom. “Whatever you were doing… done?” You waddled obediently along, and he hummed a song into your ear, efficiently dismissing your question until he was ready for it. 

“That’s not important,” He finally answered you after you two made it to your room, and you instinctively dove onto the bed once you noticed it. “You should call in to work tomorrow;” Rafael joined you on the bed, and worked to scoot you under the blankets instead of letting you lay atop them. “You’ve gotten barely any sleep tonight.” 

“Stop talking about work,” you moaned into your pillow, and he draped an arm over your back. You innocently rolled towards him, hiding your face in his chest, and he rest his chin atop your head. 

“Okay, okay,” he gave in, and you smiled against his skin. “I love you too, by the way.” 

“Dulces sueños, Rafi,” you insisted, though the words were very poorly pronounced and caused your fiancé’s eyebrows to furrow. He bit his lip, trying not to laugh since it would surely disturb your comfort, considering how he had you pulled against him. Instead of correcting you, he accepted the wishes for sweet dreams, and dozed off to try and find them. He already had the sweetest wish he could dream of in his arms, after all. 

\--- 

“This place is…” You were whispering in his ear, afraid of your voice echoing off the vaulted ceiling or the large windows. The venue owner was following a few steps behind, trying to give the illusion of space to let you two comfortably examine the chapel. It still felt like you were being followed. 

Thankfully, Rafael got the hint and kept up the hushed tones. “Expensive, Elaborate, Pretentious?” He completed for you, eyeing a pamphlet he had been given by the woman trailing behind. 

You nodded; it wasn’t what you had intended to say, but that was all also very true. “I still say we elope,” you suggested seriously, even tugging at his arm like a child begging for ice cream, and he shook his head in refusal. 

“No way," The look he gave you made it pretty clear he was not going to waver from his decision. "You’re getting a wedding," teasingly, he hit your shoulder with the pamphlet before feigning interest in a certain stained glass window. Him pointing it out and whispering in your ear made the venue owner grin, "A damn good wedding." 

Going along with the act, you nodded along in adulation while eyes kept on the window. “Rafi," you whispered with a broad smile, "two thirds of the guest list are people you’ve put on there.” So he couldn't swat at you again, you stole the pamphlet from his hands and pretended to read it yourself. "It's okay to admit you're going to be a Groomzilla, you know..." 

He huffed, feigning hurt by placing a hand over his chest; “Then invite more people." It seemed like such a simple suggestion, and he obviously couldn't comprehend the difficulty you apparently faced. "I told you you should already.” 

You rolled your eyes, he definitely had already shared that advice. “I don’t know that many people," your head rest against his shoulder. "You know everyone.” The venue lady waited in the background, assuming you two were discussing the ornate sculptures or the royal color scheme. 

This was a door he hadn't planned on opening, but as you two meandered along the red carpeting, he decided to push his luck. “You didn’t even invite your family," the whisper was even softer than before, and you assumed it was because he knew how this would end. Unfortunately, you hadn’t banked on his acute observations to include your part of the guest list. "There’s surely someone who would want to-”

“Don’t.” You advised mutedly, and both of you faked bright smiles when the venue coordinator waved your way to assure you were alright. 

He pretended to obey, while motioning over to an outrageously large organ. “Carisi told me he knew your mother’s address," Rafael nervously bit his lip as he felt you tense up. That was news to you. "We could just send her an invite-”

"How does he know that?" You stopped walking, and crossed your arms over your chest. You hadn't known how to contact your mother for quite a while now, it was a surprise to hear your cousin had taken the liberty to do so. “They won’t come all the way to New York for an evening.” Dropping your arms, you again tensed a facetious smile, as the curious eyebrow of your guide greeted you. 

His jaw dropped, and he almost lost the facade of examining the venue. “It’s their daughter’s wedding day.” He snatched your hand up in his, and ran his thumbs reassuringly over your knuckles that had turned white from you clenching your fists. “Did you even tell them?” His smile faded just a bit, “Do they even know about me?” 

“Rafael,” it didn't surprise you that he pushed this despite your obvious unwillingness, he was rarely afraid of bringing up taboo topics. Part of you thought he enjoyed it, in an intellectually sadistic sense, but you were beyond the point of squirming when you were uncomfortable. “Not everyone has what you and your mother have. Can we not?” 

He plumped a lip, hoping to charm his way out of trouble, and also hide the fact that it offended him just a bit. “I’d love to meet your father,” he was trying so hard to be a true gentleman, but you two had had this conversation before. “If I was a real man," pulling you closer, he tapped knowingly at the ring on your finger. "I’d have asked him before I asked you.” 

You stole your hands away from him. “Thankfully, he doesn’t get to make decisions like that for me.” You went back to reading the pamphlet so you could pretend to be focused on numbers instead of biting your tongue. “Once he can decide to stop getting fall down drunk by noon, maybe he can decide who I marry.” Well, almost biting your tongue. 

The light atmosphere shifted. “He’s an alcoholic?” Rafael asked carefully, and a bit too loudly. You winced when he said the word. 

“You knew that,” you turned your back to him and examined a large bouquet of fake flowers. "Roses?" You asked the venue lady loudly, cheerfully. She nodded vibrantly in response and Rafael came up behind you to pretend and examine them as well. 

He bent to smell a rose, only to realize they weren't real. Oops. “No, no I did not.” He insisted despite you giggling at him for the confusion he tried to wave off. “I’d have remembered that-”

The serious conversation was thankfully cut off by your supervisor. “So what do you think?” She came to stand alongside you two, "This is where the ceremony would take place, by the way. Where you two would end up standing." Smartly, she pulled at you both until you were holding hands and standing atop the raised part of the stage. “And your guests,” she waved out to the pews lined up behind her, facing the podium you stood on. “Your guests would be out there, and you two would walk up-“

She continued talking, but you couldn’t bring yourself to listen. Despite the heated conversation from moments ago, you softened dramatically when you realized Rafael smiling so broadly down at you. It all hit you like a tidal wave, as if it hadn’t quite been real before this second. But now you stood in a church with your hands entangled in his, somewhere you could possibly someday say those words that most women dream of saying one day; ‘I do.’ Apparently, he was equally as distracted, since he gingerly ran his thumb along your cheek bone before you nuzzled your face against his palm. 

“So what do you think?” She clapped as she spoke, shocking both of you out of the tender moment. You jumped, nearly tumbling off the podium, but luckily Rafael was able to help you regain your balance with a well-placed hand on the small of your back. 

“Oh, uh;” It came to light that you hadn’t been listening to nearly anything she had said the entire time, and you turned to Rafael for assistance. 

“We’ll have to discuss it,” Of course, he managed to regain composure and a poker face quicker than you could. “But it really is lovely, thank you for the tour.” 

\--- 

“You really should invite your mom, at least.” 

You groaned, and laid your head on the bar top, hiding yourself under your arms. As if that would help you at all. “You’re supposed to be on my side,” you whined childishly while the bartender dropped off your next drink to the side of you. 

“I’m always on your side,” Sonny huffed sympathetically, and pat your back a couple times to contribute to your pity party. You'd have done the same for him. “I’m just saying, apparently she’s been clean for a few weeks now.” He nodded, proud of the woman even though he couldn't confirm the truth. 

Oh yea, you forgot for a moment- your cousin was a damn traitor. “Why wouldn't you tell me you'd talked to her?” You bolted up, and nearly spilled the new beer in the process. “When did you talk to her last?” Recalling that he had even given your fiancé her address, you pressed further, “And why would you tell Rafael before me?” 

He bought a few seconds to think by taking a drink. “Last Tuesday.” This was quickly turning into an interrogation; it was rough being on the receiving end. He might as well pick and choose which questions to actually answer, he’d seen that trick help suspects before. 

Your jaw dropped, purely in shock. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” 

Sonny laughed, and pinched your cheek in his fingers. He was not at all apologetic, and it almost made you even more upset. “I knew you’d act like this.” A wink, and then his happy attitude switched back to seriousness. “Have you told Barba about all that?” 

“No, he just thinks I’m an insensitive brat.” You ran your fingertip along the top of your glass. “He’s got so much going on, though, Sonny- he barely sleeps, barely eats anymore, just bourbon and stress.” It made you sad to think about it, watching your sweet man labor over papers and computer screens. Funny; you loved him for his work ethic and his pursuit of justice- but you cursed the acts just the same. 

“But are you happy?” Sonny suddenly turned into a pseudo-therapist. “You’re dating a man who would probably bleed coffee and sass if he ever got a paper cut-”

“Yea, I mean, I love him…” you interrupted him before he could say anything else remotely condescending or sarcastic. You could say whatever you wanted, but it put a weird twinge in your thoughts to hear someone else talk even remotely negatively about your sweet, busy man. “He loves me, he takes care of me, the sex is great-”

“STOP,” Carisi shouted, earning you two the attention of a few other bar patrons. He then groaned while pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay, okay, I get it. Nevermind.” While his eyes were still closed, he waved a hand to the bartender, ordering you both another round. “I’ll drink to you never mentioning sex to me ever, ever again.” 

“Deal,” you agreed while clinking your glass against his. 

\---

"I feel like she's not telling me something." He was an expert at that, after all- finding the truth when it’s not being given. It was relatively obvious you didn't want to talk about your family, but it didn't make much sense to him. 

"Woooow," Rollins piped in with tangible faux shock, "Wonder why you'd know anything about hiding things." 

Barba glared, she wasn't as fun of a bar buddy as Olivia was. "What I didn't tell her could have kept her out of danger," he began to clarify while pointing a careful finger at her, trying to emphasize his point. "She's just being secretive. Or sneaky." 

His wagging pointer didn't faze her. "Maybe because it's none of your business?" Admittedly, she knew a little bit about the situation. Carisi never kept his mouth shut. 

"We're getting married,” he reminded her indignantly. “It's all my business." 

"Noooo," She vehemently disagreed, shaking her head seriously after she took a drink. "No, that's not true at all. You both still have your own stuff to worry about." To represent her meaning, she clinked her fists together before letting them bounce off the other to put space between them. 

His eyes narrowed, where was she getting at with this? "I'm sorry, I must have missed the invitation- when did you get married?" 

Rollins shot a glare his way that almost made him flinch. "All I'm saying is that you don't love someone because you want to make them spill all their insides out for you." Another crude hand gesture was used, one that he’d imagine more as a sign for vomiting than sharing secrets. "You love someone because they make your storms feel more manageable, help you see the sunshine through the clouds.” She brought her hands back to her chest. “Not to hurl yourself into their tempest." 

He couldn’t fathom this. Just be okay with someone you love keeping things from you? "Why struggle through a storm alone when you can have someone there with you?" Rafael flinched, this was actually starting to sound like a conversation with Olivia. 

His bar buddy rolled her eyes- men never understood anything. "Maybe she's already found the eye, the comfortable calm?" Her shoulders shrugged, and she idly chewed on the straw she had been using to stir her drink. "And you waltzing in would make her lose her place?" 

Still unwilling to accept the notion, he tapped at the bar to order another drink. "I want to pull her out of the storm, though." He mumbled it, like giving a questionable answer when called upon in grade school. 

Squinting, she proceeded to shake her head in disbelief. Did he not understand this whole storm metaphor? "But you can't do that without dragging her through it again." 

"Why did I have to tell her about the threats, then?" This was starting to feel like he was getting railroaded, or a sick double standard. If he had to tell you about threats on his life, why didn’t you have to tell him about the family he was marrying into? 

Her drink was finished, and she imagined now would be as good a time as any to let him think about all this on his own. Apparently she was only bringing up more questions than answers. "Because you pulled her through your storm without warning, you waited until the thunder cracked before warning her there was bad weather on the horizon." Her voice sounded almost accusatory, but he couldn’t deny the ring of truth. 

Rollins went to lay out bills to pay for her drinks, but Barba shook his head and waved his hand, signifying he'd handle it. "She's warning you," she advised, keeping up with the metaphor while she shouldered her purse. "Take the warning and let her keep the sunshine. Otherwise you’re just going to become part of the chaos." 

Barba simply nodded, that was some food for thought. You did close off when he brought up family, and the thought that he was causing further turmoil in a situation you were happy with twisted at his heart. "Thank you, Rollins." He conceded, before snickering; "How good is Carisi at helping you through your storms?" 

"Shut up," She scowled and turned to leave, slitting her hand into the air as a subtle goodbye; or, rather, a dismissal. "Thanks for the drinks, sir." 

These women would be the death of him one day. Well, of him or his bank account. 


	25. Surprise Emotions

“Something Borrowed; Something Blue.” He recited the title of the bridal store out loud, while perking an eyebrow. That really was the name of it, huh? You had been amused by it the other night when you called to make an appointment, but he didn’t really understand what was so funny about it. In fact, he thought you had made it up.

But now here he stood, in front of a large store with white dresses and oddly posed onyx mannequins lining the windows. Did anyone actually stand like that, with their arms flailing and legs kicked high? He assumed not, and proceeded the short distance to the front door of the bridal salon.

However, his quest was harshly interrupted when his best friend swung the door so fast it nearly knocked him in the face. How rude. “What are you doing here?” Olivia hissed, nearly in a whisper, as she put a hand on his chest to force him to walk backwards. They both went to the sidewalk to discuss, despite his protests.

“Am I not in the right place?” Rafael asked indignantly, trying to peer around her. Obviously it was the right store, or else she wouldn’t be there. You had asked her, Sonny, and Amanda to join in on the venture- hence why he was traveling alone. Actually, he could have sworn he saw Amanda’s blonde hair through the window.

That wasn't exactly what she meant. “Why are you HERE, though?” Olivia crossed her arms, and tapped her toes damningly against the ground. Was she trying to intimidate him?

Rafael held up his check book, wagging it in the air knowingly. “Figured she may need this,” He advised simply, pointing out his signature on the first otherwise-blank check. Olivia snatched it from him after rolling her eyes, and he held a hand over his chest in offense. “What’s the problem here?” You were the one who had sent him the name of the salon, after all.

Olivia's jaw fell open in disbelief. “You’re not allowed to see her, Rafael.”

Well, that was odd. “Allowed? Why not?”

“It’s tradition, Raf-” Before she could finish chastising him, your voice rang out over the gaudy piano music and the cars in the street, even managing to break past the barrier of the glass door. You had seen him in your reflection, after watching in the floor length mirror as Olivia rushed out from the store.

Carisi tried to grab you at you, but was interrupted by a store clerk insisting he ‘watch out for the skirt’ while slapping at his hands. You ran to your handsome man, calling his name as you quickly fumbled through the obstruction of skirts and ruffles.

He smiled triumphantly for a moment, sassily cocking his head Olivia’s way at the fact that he thought he 'won’. The smug smirk dropped quickly, however, the moment you hit the sidewalk- and it was Olivia's turn to sashay her shoulders in recognition.

Rafael’s face twitched. His eyebrows furrowed, and he stood frozen in the middle of the cement, awe struck. The light was suddenly blinding, had it always been that bright out here, or was it the way the sun’s rays reflected mercilessly off the ivory dress you wore? He couldn’t quite place what had him paralyzed, what it was that made his heart jump into his throat. He had seen you in pretty much every state of dress -and undress- he could fathom. Yet now, in this very moment, with you garbed in white and drowning in lace and tulle; Rafael couldn’t breathe or speak. The air was sucked from the universe; you were the only thing he could see, the only thing that really mattered. You looked stunning, immaculate, and unbelievable… like a bride. Finally, his lips curved up to grin in reverence; you truly looked like a soon-to-be bride. His bride.

“Oh Rafi, thank you!” You cooed, tossing your arms around his shoulders. When you dangled from him, he took a sharp breath, and laid his hands on you so incredibly softly- as if moving too quickly would break the spell you had over him. He didn't want to escape the entrancement. You had been expecting him, unlike Olivia; you had sent him the text with the store’s address after all. “I’ll pay you back, I promise, you know tha-”

“Is that,” He actually shook when he spoke, choking up on his own words. Delicately, he moved his hands to your waist and held you out at arm’s length so he could properly examine you. The lace under his palms itched, and he wondered briefly how on Earth something as simple as a dress could have him so trapped, lost in dreamy adulation.

“Oh, Rafi, no!” You giggled, and wriggled your hips jokingly to make his hands bob with the ornate designs. He scoffed, and gave you a teasing push to get you to stop playing with his emotions. Yet, still, he wasn’t able to calm his rapidly beating heart. “Baby, this isn’t it, I look like I just fell out of a Disney book, are you kidding?” As you spun, the dress frilled outwards, and Olivia rolled her eyes from her spot in the entryway. She had picked that dress for you to try on.

“ _Your Name_ ,” Carisi hollered for you from inside the store, sounding utterly distressed. “This lady’s gonna beat me if you don’t get back in here, c'mon.” He insisted, loudly, while ducking to avoid being hit at with a bridal magazine. It was enough to tear your attention away from your oddly silent fiancé.

“I’m being beckoned,” you pouted, and leaned in to kiss Rafael’s lips, bringing him tumbling back to reality from his dream land. He nodded, and ran his hand over the buttons lining up your spine before you spun to turn back into the store. “I think we’re going to Olivia’s after all this, will you be there?” You paused despite Olivia putting a hand on your back to urge you back inside, and glanced expectantly over your shoulder.

He nodded obediently, eyes wide; absolutely. Likely, he’d do anything you told him to do in the state he was in. Your beaming smile was returned, before you sauntered back into the shop, apologizing profusely to the store clerk while Carisi jumped to the other side of you so there'd be space between him and her.

Olivia crossed her arms victoriously over her chest, and leaned back against the entryway to watch Rafael work hard to take a deep breath and swallow. “What were you saying?” She asked sarcastically, obviously amused by the bewilderment on his face.

“I should go,” He agreed quickly, bobbing his head up and down mindlessly before twisting to walk back to his office. His heart couldn’t handle seeing you in another white dress, not today at least. And how the Hell was he supposed to be expected to focus on this meeting when he can’t pry the vision of you walking down the middle aisle from his mind? Down the aisle, up to him.

Marriage was a funny, funny thing.  
And he couldn't wait for it.

—

“What case is this for?” Judge Stevens read through the paperwork, but was left confused. There were barely any details; not that they were needed, but what was given was oddly insufficient. Especially for the ADA.

Barba swallowed, hard. “Confidential.” Worth a try, at least. He had a rather wonderful rapport with this judge, usually it was a case of handing over the papers and receiving the requested prize rather promptly. Apparently this would not be one of those times, but he certainly shouldn't have expected any less.

Judge Stevens perked a brow. “Vague,” he criticized simply. “Why are you looking for a camera, what’s on it?” He knew the typical drill for when they wanted film: someone recorded something damning, usually dark. It was so expected that he almost always hesitated to ask for specifics, yet this time- there was no explanation listed.

Barba straightened his tie, attempting to hide his nerves by fidgeting. “We’re more interested in who took the camera than the film itself.”

That was odd, specifically for SVU. “Do we at least have a complaining victim?” The judge sat the papers on his desk, and motioned for his colleague to take a seat. Apparently this wouldn't be as quick as Barba had been hoping.

Carisi was always complaining, so he figured he could be considered such. “Absolutely, he wants it back desperately.” He remained standing, hoping to appear confident. It wasn't likely he'd be able to pull this over his eyes- half the reason he respected Judge Stevens so much was for his intellect.

“Why is SVU handling a theft case?" This was getting odder and odder. The more the terse conversation went on, the more Judge Stevens questioned whether he should be putting his name on it. "Do you even know what’s on the camera?”

Agitated, Barba finally took the seat. He couldn't care less about the camera, and he wasn’t at all worried about what was on it. He had been there, he didn't need recorded evidence. In fact, he didn’t want to talk about the theft at all; he just wanted to know who took the damn thing. “Yes, we do, but Sir- we need to know who actually took it.”

“Barba, you rarely bring me poor requests.” He slid his glasses down his nose, and peered knowingly at the ADA across from him. “You know I can’t just give you a warrant for something like this without knowing what’s happening.” He reclined, and slid the paperwork across his desk so he could instead focus on his colleague. “Why can’t you just ask the airline to hand over their passenger log? They'd likely oblige you.”

Barba tapped his fingers along the wooden arms of his chair. “I’m more worried about the security than the passengers," he finally confessed. He had learned recently, mostly from you, that silence rarely got him what he wanted anymore. "I need a complete listing, employees and all, not just a passenger log."

Judge Stevens went silent, and his stare narrowed. This was getting increasingly suspicious, and he was almost resigned to not get involved. “Barba, either tell me what’s going on or take this to someone else.” He shuffled the papers and went to hand the roll back to the ADA- he wouldn't blindly sign a warrant. He could risk his spot on the bench if this came out poorly.

In an uncharacteristic moment of vulnerability, Barba leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, and hid his face behind his fingers for only a split second. His legs bounced, twice, before he dropped his hands to his thighs. Chin raised high, eyebrows rose, and for the first time without the comfort of his comrades in SVU- he dropped the bombshell.

Succinct; he told himself. Succinct and to the point. “Sir, there’s been threats on my life for a few years now;” He averted his gaze, unable to stand the look he received from Judge Stevens. He didn’t need pity, or sympathy, or concern- he needed the damn warrant. “I’ve been approached multiple times, and I recently proposed to my fiancé in Florida-”

“Congratulations,” he was interrupted, and the judge sincerely bobbed his head to make sure he was heard.

“Thank you,” Barba's lips twitched, he actually almost smiled. “But a detective and I were interrogating a suspect who has been locked away for months now." Time to rip the bandaid off. "Somehow he knew we went to Florida-” he sighed, having not taken much of a breath since the confession began. “And my fiancé’s cousin’s video camera went missing while we were on the plane.”

"So you ARE the special victim?" Judge Stevens asked quickly, but was surprised to receive a vehement denial in response.

"I am NOT a victim," Barba spoke louder than he had meant to, conviction can do that sometimes. "I am absolutely NOT a victim, I'm just being proactive here."

Finally, the judge laid out the papers in front of him, and peered down at the minimal amount of information he had been provided. “So you want to know who got the camera into the prison.” He wouldn't force Barba to explain much further- it was obvious this was personal.

“And why." Confidence came pouring back in when he saw his colleague turn attention back to his warrant request. "And who all saw it, and why they want to see it."

Judge Stevens searched for the lines where his signature was needed, pointed out obviously with the little red flags assistants loved so much. “Is there an official investigation into this, currently?”

“Yes,” Barba nosily leaned forward to see what pages he was studying.

"Do you need an order of prot-"

"I've got that handled." He was no damsel in distress; he knew the steps that needed to be taken, and he thought he was certainly able to handle this himself. "I really just need this warrant."

The judge was already signing, and handed the paperwork back without any more questions. Afterwards, he took his glasses from his face, and went to cleaning the frames with the bottom of his shirt. Quickly, hoping to depart before his mind changed, the ADA bolted to his feet and went towards the door.

"Rafael," the use of his first name caused Barba to pause in his steps, and to even turn on his heel to face Judge Stevens. "We all know you're a hero, and most of the time I commend you for it," the older man chuckled, "in fact, that's why I like you so much." The judge returned his glasses to his face and turned in his chair, so he'd be looking out the window instead of at his stubborn colleague. "But sometimes, being the hero means different things. Take care of what you love, don't let your pride get in the way."

Barba froze, and his gaze fell to the gaudy green carpet lining the floor. "Thank you, your Honor," he mumbled mostly under his breath, before closing the door behind him on his way out. His cell phone jingled in his pocket, and he quickly went to check the text.

" _Found the dress, meet us at Liv’s? Love you, Rafi_." Then an assortment of emojis ranging from hearts to little penguins.

Well, that was quick. Perfect timing, though.

Now if only he could figure out how to tell you about the mail he received today...

\---

“Barba, you’re gonna die at the altar,” Sonny pat a hand on his back, and used his other to wipe at his own cheeks. He was tearing up just recalling how you had looked in the dress. “She looked beautiful in that gown, it’s gorgeous. You'll love it.”

Sonny had cried, bawled really, the moment you walked out of the changing room. Olivia had dropped her cell phone, thankfully into the lap of Amanda, who had been sitting on the sofa alongside your cousin. When you had reached the podium, Olivia diligently went to straightening the very modest train, allowing it to drape behind you. Your budget had been generous- Rafael had been looking at designer gowns when he decided what you could spend on his dime. But you fell in love with one off the rack, a glamorous silk ensemble that only cost you a couple hundred dollars.

“I believe it, she’s always beautiful.” Barba chuckled, and took a drink. Everyone had reconvened at Olivia’s apartment after you finally found 'the one’. “How much was it?” He whispered this, knowing full well he could check on it himself if he wanted to.

Carisi bit the inside of his cheek, and turned so he could speak both candidly and quietly to your fiancé. “You know, I can pay you back for it." He nodded in hopes of insisting, but was scoffed at. "She got a real affordable one and I know the bride’s family is supposed to-”

Barba shook his head adamantly, “God no, don’t shoulder all that. It’s not your responsibility.” That would be ridiculous, she was his cousin. Not his daughter.

“Well yea it is, she’s my family.” It was rare for Carisi to actually argue with him, but he was being oddly persistent with this matter. He wondered why. “The bride’s family is supposed to pay.”

“Since when did everyone get all traditional on me?” He spoke over his glass, when he had contemplatively lifted to his chin. “If anything, go after her father for it.” He raised his brows expectantly, hoping to pull information about the patriarch as easily as he managed to get knowledge about your mother.

Sonny’s face dropped, and Rafael was surprised by how dramatically it did. “You don’t know Uncle Mike,” he explained simply before drinking from his beer. To avoid having to delve further, Sonny excused himself, wandering off to the kitchen instead of continuing the conversation. Rafael watched curiously, then went to join you on the couch.

Somehow, you had become laden with both children. Amanda and Olivia had left to get more wine, and you had been handed Noah. One was fine, you were confident with one, but Sonny had asked you to also hold Jessie while he spoke to Rafael- and hadn't come back to collect her yet. So when your fiancé came back to sit alongside you, your smile was truly grateful. “Please take one…” you begged in a whisper.

He chuckled, and eagerly stole Noah away. The little ones spit up, and he was not looking to deal with that so early in the evening. “You look cute with kids on your lap,” Rafael confessed in a whisper.

You rolled your eyes, and turned little Jessie so she faced the television instead of your chest. "They'd look cuter if you were holding them." You teased, resting your head against his shoulder. "How was your day, though? I've hardly spoken to you today."

Noah started playing with Rafael's neck tie, and he pretended to dramatically gag when the toddler gave it a sharp tug, much to his delight. "I had a meeting, it went well," Rafael explained vaguely. "We received some RSVPs, though, already." His tone was high pitched, as if he were singing instead of speaking.

Assuming the odd voice was intended for the children, you followed suit, speaking in a sing-song fashion. "Well you insisted on sending those Saves the Dates out so early-" you teased while dancing Jessie around on your knee. Apparently the musical had garnered her attention. "Who's said they'd attend?" The sweet girl clapped as you spoke.

"My mother, of course," Rafael nodded, gracious when both of the children were facing him. That might make your reaction to his final bombshell of the day a bit tamer than it would otherwise. "And a mayor I know, Sonny's sister-" He laughed as you twirled Jessie side to side with the impromptu singalong, hoping perhaps it would distract you just enough for him to glaze over the rest of the promised attendees; "my assistant, your mother, that Hannah girl you had invited at the last secon-"

"My mother?" You broke the vocal pattern, and stopped dancing with Jessie, sending her into a fit of sniffles. Unconcerned with the child's whimpering, your gaze harshly narrowed on your fiancé, who tried to ease his way through your sudden onset anger.

"And that Hannah girl," he added brightly, pinching at the crying Jessie's cheeks in hopes she'd smile again. "You know, the one you had forgotten to-"

No dice. "Rafael, can we speak in the hallway?" You stood to your feet, and quickly searched for Sonny so you could hand off the baby, or give him the smack you knew you wouldn't land on your fiancé. That decision was made quickly, too quickly for him to be comfortable with it. Straight to discussing in solitude, huh? You must be upset.

He flinched after you rose to standing, no witnesses? This could go poorly for him. "Do we have to?" Rafael asked childishly while hugging Noah to his chest, trying to look too busy with him to be able to leave, even if only for a moment. "We should probably wait for their mothers to come back-"

You snapped in the air, getting Sonny's attention so you could hand off the bundle of joy you had somehow become responsible for. "Now, Rafael."

Shit.


	26. Mother, Dearest

Sonny flinched when he saw your face- you definitely didn’t look too happy. “What’s wrong?” He asked, genuinely confused, but you handed off little Jessie as soon as he approached. 

“I need to talk to Rafael,” you grumbled, and crossed your arms over your chest while making your way to the door. Your fiancé winced, and sat Noah down on the ground before rising to his feet. You were already in the hallway when he gave a nervous glance to Sonny, who cocked his head curiously to the side. 

“What’s she so grumpy about?” He bounced to keep the baby from fussing, but motioned with his elbow towards the door you had disappeared behind. 

Rafael took a deep breath before straightening his suit jacket. “What isn’t she grumpy about?” He teased, chuckling a bit as he did. “If I don’t come back in five minutes, come save me?” The joke wasn’t received as well as he had hoped, and Sonny wagged his head side to side while excusing himself to a bedroom so he could get Jessie a new toy. 

“Oh no, buddy,” He hollered from the hallway while Rafael groaned and twisted the knob that would lead him to his time on the stand. This was worse than facing a grand jury. “You’re on your own with that firecracker, bub!” 

\---

"Why would you do that?" You were livid, he had never seen you so angry before- at least, not with him. He didn’t even have time to think before you were chastising him, the door had shut behind him not even moments before. "Is this what you think marriage is?" 

Woah, this escalated quickly. "Mi querida, calm down-" He winced when your eyes went wide. Maybe that wasn't the best thing to say to an upset woman, he couldn’t recall a time it had ever actually worked before. "I just thought it would be nice, you know." 

"No, no- I don't know." Every step towards you was responded with your two steps backwards. "You don't get to decide everything, Rafael. You don't even consider me, and I've accepted it.” His jocular attempts at an acquittal were abandoned at your sad comment. “I've taken my spot in your shadow with pride." You planted your fist over your chest, hard over where your heart lay in your chest. "But you keep kicking my own dirt in my face." 

The hurricane metaphor felt suddenly appropriate- he was getting blown away by the winds of change. "I didn't think you'd be this upset," he confessed blindly, and he reached for you so he could take your hand in both of his. "I mean, I didn't think you'd be excited, but I didn't think-" Could he plead the fifth? 

"That's the problem, Rafael." He never wanted to hear his nickname so badly before, the way you used all the syllables made him feel cold. It was too impersonal. "You didn't think." You tapped at your own skull. "You didn't think about ME. You thought about YOU." The tapping transferred, to his tie, and he backed away until he hit the wall. "YOU are so curious about the skeletons in MY closet that you don't even care why they're hidden." 

Rafael was rarely afraid, but now the icy pain of fear was prominent- he thought he could feel the hair stand on the back of his neck. "I'm sorry, I can fix it," he suggested simply, forcing a nervous grin while trying to cup your face in his hands. "I'll take it back, I'll tell her no, I can-"

You shook your head, until he surrendered and stopped trying. "You call all the shots, always;" The little voice that had spoken to you on those late nights finally found its way to your lips. "You decide when we can be together, you decide we have to get married in some huge ornate ceremony," You went to wiping at the few tears that had tumbled from your eyes. "You decide, even after you know I don't want it to happen, to go behind my back and reach out to MY mother." 

He wanted all of this to stop. Your whimpering was chandeliers crashing around him, destruction in the palace of perfection he had tried so desperately to build around you. "I really, sincerely did not mean to upset you." He gripped at the material of your skirt since you wouldn't give him anything else. "Let's just go inside, calm down a bit, or we can go home and talk about this." 

"I need a minute." You whined, and his brows furrowed out of confusion. A minute? What could you possibly mean by that? "I need to think, I don't want to go home." 

"Then we'll go back inside," Rafael's tone changed, it didn't sound like he was asking anymore. He was trying to convince you, to steer you back to reality and out of your fragile nerves. "We'll go back in and we can tell Carisi everything's fine and we'll play with Noah-"

"You two did this without me, I told you I didn't-" As much as you wanted to clarify, you did not want to repeat yourself. How often did you have to repeat yourself before he'd finally just accept that his decisions are not verdicts- they should be discussions. Discussions with you. Together. You've waited, you've opened up, and you’ve tried so incredibly hard to make him believe that you were in this for him, to be with him. Knowing he could actually defy your wishes, even if it was intended benevolently- it was hard. You needed to breathe, to think. You needed to make a decision for yourself, for once. 

" _Your Name_ ," He released your skirt to try again for your face, but you took the opportunity to tear yourself away from him. Knowing he wouldn't want a scene, you left him there so you could go back into Amanda's apartment. Sonny grinned, until he noticed your wet face. 

He twisted Jessie so she'd be looking at his shoulder and not you. "Yo, what's your problem?" He went to stand, but cocked his head to the side when you ignored him. That wasn't like you. Rafael came in behind you, whispering your name and subtle beggings like a lullaby you could barely hear over your own thoughts; 'por favor', 'mi amor', 'I'm sorry'... 

"Tell Olivia I'm sorry for leaving," You mumbled mostly under your breath, but faked a smile when little Noah rolled a ball at your feet. Carefully, you gave a swift tap so it went back to him, while gathering your purse and your jacket. "And if you speak to my mother, tell her there was a mistake." 

Carisi went pale at the final comment, and was stricken speechless as you stormed back out the apartment. He glared over at Barba, who was red in the face from desperation. "Knark," he grunted at the ADA, who was entirely unconcerned with what he could think of him. 

And you left. You closed the door politely behind you, you stormed down the stairs and hit the sidewalk, and you craved a cigarette for the first time in five years. Where should you go? Rafael would obviously go to the house; that would be too easy. Last time you went to the park didn't turn out so nice, and there were only a few hours of daylight left. So where does a girl go when she wants to forget, or at least have some time to think over a drink? 

A bar. And so you went to the one bar that was close by and familiar, one you and Rafael had gone to plenty of times before- the little joint the other police officers loved so well. A couple drinks and you could go home, you decided. A couple drinks and you could discuss this again, you just needed to think. Without a courtroom-worthy defense to fight against. 

\---

Benson and Rollins came back to find their children playing with blocks in the center of the room, and two grown men pouting at opposite ends of the apartment. Carisi was nursing his beer, and sat on the floor maybe a few feet behind little Jessie's bumbo seat. Barba was staring at the bourbon in his glass, and didn't even look up to recognize the women coming in. 

"Wow, you two look like a load of fun," Benson commented sarcastically while setting down the bottles of wine she held. "Where's _Your Name_? I got Moscato just for her." 

Carisi laughed, dramatically, and pointed across at bummed out Barba. "He can't keep his mouth shut so she ditched." 

"She said she was sorry for leaving," the accused didn't even look up, though he knew all eyes were on him. The least he could do was what you had asked of him before you disappeared. "And I'm sure she'd have appreciated the wine." 

"What did you do?" Rollins glared at Carisi, who threw his arms in the air while she collected her daughter from the floor. "And don't say 'nothing' because I know you're lying." 

"I just gave him what he wanted-" The women each perked a brow at the odd comment, and Benson bit her lip to keep from laughing. "No, no," Carisi shook his hands in front of him and leapt to his feet to clarify. "He wanted addresses for the guest list and I gave him addresses for the guest list." 

"Don't play stupid,” Still, Barba didn't look up, but took a hefty swig of his drink. “If you can pass the Bar then you can realize what you did." 

"What did YOU do?" Benson this time, but she aimed her attention on her friend in the corner. He was definitely a pathetic sight, which helped her conclude that he was likely the catalyst for this issue. "Rafael, come on, stop beating around the bush." 

He finally confessed his sin: "I invited her mother to the wedding." 

Bewilderment again from the ladies, who apparently desperately required further explanation, "And?" 

"And _Your Name_ hates her mother," Carisi would gladly provide clarification, especially if it meant he could absolve himself further. He knew the backbone of this story better than any of them. "And he knew she wouldn't have wanted her invited." 

"YOU gave me her address-" Barba slammed his glass down onto a nearby table and pointed damningly across at Carisi. He may fit well under the bus, but he would not be under there alone. "You knew what you were doing when you gave it to me, she only invited like five people and you gave me every address." 

Rollins, to the rescue; "What did she do when you went after her?" She bounced little Jessie on her hip and went to stand with Barba and Benson. The confused look she received from those sad, green eyes answered her question for her. But she did not want to believe it. "You DID go after her, right?" 

Barba looked as if a revelation had been laid at his feet. Oh shit, he didn't. "She said she needed a minute..." he whispered it, suddenly feeling as if the two women were awfully intimidating. Hoping to counteract the inadequacy of his answer, he rose to his feet. At least now he was mostly at their level. "I thought that meant NOT to follow her." 

"You're an idiot sometimes," Benson chastised roughly, and shook her head side to side. "Of course you go after her, how long has she been gone?" She covered Noah’s ears with her hands, as if the conversation was damaging enough to actually affect his sensibilities. 

"Thirty minutes or so," Carisi answered for him, still keeping a dramatic distance between himself and your fiancé. "He's been sulking in his drink ever since." 

The air shifted, and Rollins was the first to ask the real question- "Where would she go? Do you know if she's okay?" 

"You let her leave?” Benson’s jaw dropped. “The only reason there's not a car watching you right now is because you're here." 

He hadn't been thinking about the threats, or the little black cars that had become background

extras in your lives, or the possibility of danger. He had been too entrenched in his fear of the real unknown- would you be back tonight? Would he find you in his bed, or maybe even on the couch? Would you make him wait up and wonder? Even with the two women badgering him, he couldn't pull his own, selfish considerations from his mind. Barba was scared, and sad, and now he understood what it felt like to 'need a minute'. 

"I gotta go," He left the half empty glass on the table, and twisted to pick his jacket and suitcase up from the chair. "I gotta go," he repeated mindlessly while ignoring the scoffs and gasps from his colleagues. Carisi tried to stop him with a hand on his shoulder, the women attempted to step in his way, but he shrugged the detective off before saying only once more- "I gotta go." 

And go, he did. He left that stuffy apartment and went to the street. He looked left, then right, and then tightened his grip on the suitcase in his hand. First try would be home, Barba decided quickly, and turned to head the suggested direction. Hopefully you'd just gone home. 

\---

"I didn't know you smoked," none other than Ed Tucker sat down alongside you when he noticed you alone at the bar. "And I didn't know you could smoke in here." 

"Nobody's stopped me," You shrugged smartly, and giggled before coughing through the cigarette smoke. A nice officer in a blue collared shirt had given it to you when you asked for one. Why would you waste it, even after the sour taste of tobacco hit your tongue wrong? 

Ed reached over, unabashedly snatching the little stick of cancer from your fingers and crushing it out by pressing the cherry into a nearby coaster. "Those are bad for you," he advised while taking a seat. "Speaking of, so is drinking so much your eyes droop like that." 

You had only had a couple. Four was a couple, right? You had only had four, right? "You're not my father," you grumbled while taking another sip of your Screwdriver in spite of him. 

"No, you're right," He conceded while ordering a drink for himself. "Do you at least wanna talk about why you're getting wasted, though?" Ed gave you a smile, it was nearly reassuring, and your loose tongue was more than willing to oblige. You had been sitting and drinking alone for a good twenty minutes now- company sounded nice. 

"If Olivia specifically told you that she didn't want something to happen-" You put your elbows on the bar top and rest your cheek in your hands. "Would you still do it?" 

"That is incredibly too vague to answer," His stare narrowed, and he tried to pry a bit more context so he could oblige you with an answer. "Is the something something dangerous, or just something you're opposed against?" 

You considered, eyes rolling to the ceiling while your fingertip tapped at your chin. "Opposed against, STRONGLY opposed against." 

"Is the something any of my business?" He kept his eyes on you, both gauging your inebriation and hoping to help you get to a point where you wouldn't feel the need for a refill. "Or is it something personal to Liv?" 

"Personal, family shit." You may not have known it, but that did actually strike a chord of familiarity with him. "Like MY family shit that he suddenly thinks he knows sooooooo much about," You were giving away more information than he likely needed, but he remained silent as you rambled. "Because Rafi knows eeeeeeverything," intermission for you to take a heavy sip, killing the rest of your drink, "and I know nothing because he's so smart and his madre is the picture perfect mother." Fingertips rapped against the edge of the bar, until you could hold your glass in the air and motion to the bartender. 

"Isn't marriage the joining of two families?" Tucker asked simply, but was interrupted by the hesitant bartender approaching you instead of obediently getting you another drink. 

"Honey," the familiar face behind the bar began while leaning in to your face. You reeked of alcohol, and the way your head wobbled gave away exactly how many drinks you had had. "Honey, you need a taxi? I'm not giving you anymore if you're walking home." The poor boy was not in the business of letting pretty girls get wasted and wander through the New York streets. Especially not when he worked at a bar littered with police officers, and particularly not when he knew who your fiance was. Barba would kill him. 

"I'll get her home." Tucker advised, and the bartender accepted it after noticing how you didn't offer protest. "I'll take care of her tab too," he added, and rocked your glass again so the ice clinked together. "She can have another." 

Another decision made with minimal input from you- this was starting to feel like deja vu. "Thanks, Ed;" you whispered before dropping your arms and resting your head on your hands. While waiting for your new drink, you thought about what he said. "Shouldn't marriage be more like... a new family? Instead of all the joining together crap?" 

"Is that what you really want, though?" Ed smirked as you fell to the bar. You were acting like a child, but it was refreshing, he was used to Olivia's never wavering maturity. "Maybe you two just need to come to a better understanding." 

"Why is it his business?" You huffed, blowing hair out of your face. "It's my mother, and it's my life she messed up." You perked up when the new Screwdriver was sat in front of you, and you were so excited that you didn't seem to realize there was much more juice than booze. "I don't want her to even get the chance to touch what we've made." 

That made some sense, he supposed. "Have you told him that?" He'd much rather discuss you and Rafael than him and Olivia. "Or do you just keep leaving things as vague as your initial question?" 

You glared up at him, and he chuckled at the angry look. "I've told him I don't want her coming to the wedding," your lips plumped to a pout. "Sonny gave him her address and he invited her," you faltered, and took a drink to keep yourself from crying. It sounded like such a minor transgression when you said it out loud, but it still crumbled the corners of your heart. "We got her Saves The Date, apparently, and she RSVP'd." He frowned with you when you searched his face for understanding, like a sad clown portrait you had seen once. 

"It just feels like he thinks he knows better than me, even though he knows nothing about it. This is a ME thing," you tapped at your chest with your fingers. "This is something important to ME, I don't get why he needs to be smarter about THIS of all things. He makes all the rules, sets the standards, and I listen and I obey." Cry baby tears sparked in your eyes. "I've done so good at putting her behind me, and he's just dragging her back, cancelling all the crap I've overcome." 

"Have you told him that?" 

You hadn't. He knew you didn't like your mother, he knew you didn't want her at the wedding, and you felt like that should be enough knowledge. Apparently, you were hoping for him to study a puzzle without giving him all the pieces. Your gaze rose to meet Ed's, and he raised an eyebrow as you stared at him. After a few moments, you swayed your head. "No, I've not." 

That was enough of this- enough of your confusion, and enough disappearing Screwdrivers. "Cooome on, Honey," Ed dug into his wallet to leave bills on the counter to pay for your drinks. "We need to get you back to Barba before he loses his mind." You tried to protest, but he stole your glass and set it far away from you. "And you need to be as honest as he's been. You remember how you felt when he didn't tell you about-" he didn't need to finish the statement; you nodded to prove you were beginning to understand. "It's your turn to spill." 

He laced his arm in yours, and nearly drug you off the bar stool until you found your footing. "Thank you, Ed," you whispered while leaning your temple against the arm of his jacket. 

He let you use him as leverage, and used his free hand to send an explanatory text to Olivia. Likely, she'd know you weren't with Rafael, and she'd be wondering where you went. Better for him to tell her he had you than leave her worrying. "You're welcome, _Your Name_ ," The walk began, and you carefully gripped onto his jacket so you wouldn't tumble into the street. "Let's get you home now; your man must be worried sick." 

\---

Ed rang the doorbell, since you searching through your purse for your keys was taking entirely too long for his liking. "Stand up straight," he ordered while shifting so he had hands on both of your shoulders. It was starting to feel as if a father was handling you, not your father of course, but a real father- someone who actually cared about whether you made it home safe. It was odd, but reassuring. 

The door was thrown open, as if you two had been expected, and you winced when the interior light assaulted your eyes. Rafael sighed, loud enough for you to hear him, and you kept your lids glued shut in fear of the trouble you were likely in. As if you could escape the repercussions by just refusing to look at him. 

"Thank God," he mumbled before graciously stealing you from Tucker and embracing you. You whimpered, and melted against his chest so abruptly he had to use an arm to stable himself against the door frame. Rafael combed through you mussed hair with his fingers, and kept you close even as you mumbled incoherent words into his night shirt. "Tucker, seriously, I can't even begin to thank yo-"

"Nah," Ed shook his head and smiled, before shoving his hands in his pockets. "We're all friends here," he nodded solemnly, and smiled as you coiled your arms around Rafael's chest. Seeing you wrapped around him instead of a drink was plenty thanks. "I'll see you two around," he added bluntly before twisting and taking the walk back out to the street. 

Once left alone, Rafael pulled you inside, and kissed at the top of your head until you were finally convinced to turn your chin up so you could look at him. He smiled, well aware of your drunken state- Olivia had texted him shortly after Ed reported having you in his possession. "Mi querida, I'm so sorry for earlier..." 

"She told me to go play before dinner one day, and dropped me off some blocks away from her boyfriend's place so I could swing." You held onto your wrists behind him. "She left me at the park until I fell asleep on a bench," The impromptu story took him by surprise, and he raised his head so you could have more space to speak. "A police officer woke me up and took me home; I remember her cursing at me because it was already two in the morning. She said I ran away." Green eyes went wide, blank, and he lightly tapped at your chin to raise your face further. "I was seven." 

"Mi amor, let's go to bed," He wasn't ready for this, and he knew you were drunk. "C'mon, or do you want to take a bath or something?" 

"We learned about Recycling in fifth grade," you were being ushered towards the hallway so he could work on getting you into the bathroom. "Miss Woodruff said we'd get extra credit for everything we brought in to take to the recycling center-" the memory made you giggle, mostly because you could easily recount the look of horror on the poor teacher's face, and also because you were too drunk to care. "I brought in three trash bags of beer bottles after a week or so, I even took the little sticky labels off of all of them so they'd be perfect," You hiccupped and stumbled over your own feet. "I got an A that year, and a spot in counselling for the week- I didn't get to go to the recycling factory." 

"Please be careful," he whispered while trying to pick you back up so you'd be standing. "We're almost there, _Your Name_ , let's get you in the tub." 

"My sophomore year, I begged her to let me go on the school camping trip- it was a week long and out in the woods somewhere. I'd never been camping before." You took your jacket off after pushing off of your confused lover, and dropped it to the floor. "She said I'd have to pay for it, I got a job cleaning dishes at a little cafe around the corner. I kept all my money in a jar behind the microwave." Now to your hair tie, which was removed and flung recklessly down the hall. "Two days before our funds were due; she must have found it- I had spent the night at a friend's house so I guess she actually cooked something and found it." Tears fell down your cheeks and you laughed aloud, "I got home and she had a huuuuuuuuuuuge-" your hands widened to dramatically display the size, "- bottle of Grey Goose. And I didn't go camping." You pouted, "I've still never been camping." 

"I'll take you camping." Rafael promised while studiously slipping your shirt up up and over your head, so it could join the other clothes on the ground. "I'll take you camping, and I'll collect plastic milk jugs and soda cans so we can go recycle all of them." He kissed your forehead and spun you around so you'd see the door before it hit you. “And I’ll take you to a park and we can walk home together.” 

"I first fell in love when I was seventeen," your story time relentlessly moved along. "He was a sweet boy. A dumb boy, his name was Jeff." This seemed a little out of line with your other tales, but increasingly interesting. Rafael opened the bathroom door and guided you in until he sat you atop the toilet seat. "He stayed over a lot, since my mom didn't mind. His mom would have never let us share a room." You shook your head and crunched your nose; he kept his eyes on you as he began to run your bath water. "I stayed late for a theater practice- did I tell you I was in theater?" He chuckled, finally, and shook his head to confirm that you had not. "I was good, too. But I was always there, I liked it there." You stood to examine yourself in the mirror, and to focus on removing all your jewelry. The engagement ring, the earrings, your necklace from your father. "I came back to find him so drunk he couldn't pronounce my name right," you frowned to remember the hundreds of times he had said it before that evening- you were so easy to forget, "and lying nude in bed with her, while she was coddling a handle of whiskey." 

He looked utterly disgusted, mostly because he was. "The water's nice," he explained gently, and forced a broad smile as you sauntered lazily his way. Arm out, he managed to catch you by your legs, and he gave a tug on your skirt so it would fall to the tiles. "Hop in?" 

"I told her I was leaving for college, I had gotten a scholarship at a school in Kentucky," you slithered out of your lingerie before using his shoulder and careful grip to ease into the water. A bath really did sound wonderful, you considered. "She asked what kind of monster I was, to leave her. All alone." Your tears came again, but they mingled with the warm water as he poured some over your head by cupping his hands. "I ended up refusing the scholarship, and I stayed with her for about six more months before the electricity stopped getting paid," you leaned to the side, and rest your cheek against the cool porcelain. "She left to move in with some man she met a couple weeks before. She forgot to tell me, though, so I waited in that dark apartment for two weeks before I finally left to live with my father." 

Rafael leaned in, and kissed your lips so you couldn't explain any further. "You'll never be left in the dark, my love." English? Wow. "You can go on every grand adventure you desire," he spoke against your lips and ran his hand up and down the staircase of your spine. "And I will never, ever leave you behind." 

"She's ruined so much of me, of everything-" you buried your face into his throat. "I don't want her ever coming near you, near this. I've worked so hard to get over it and to make this perfect." 

"Mi querida, please," He was crying too, you could feel his salty drops of sadness and hear it when he sniffled to try and conceal them. "Please, just relax. I'll fix everything in the morning but for now," he faltered as he thought back to how forlorn he had been when you initially left, even if it was only for a few hours. "Please just love me, and don't ever stop." 

That was all you ever wanted to do. You pressed your chest against the edge of the tub so you could throw yourself over it, and so you could wrap your arms around your sweet man. "Rafael, I'll always love you," you promised sincerely, even managing not to mumble and enunciate clearly. "I'll never stop loving you." 

Your wet hair dampened his shirt collar, but he didn't mind. The both of you remained coiled in the other, he sitting on the cold floor and you pruning in the warm water, arms around the shoulders of the other. Maybe you didn't know how he would fix this, and he didn't really know either- but at least now he understood. He understood and respected you. He loved you. 

That was all you could ever ask of him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hands out tissues* ily.


	27. Old Friends, New Connections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pokes at April Green* heyloooo honey, I used your suggestion for a part of this. Hope it's what you had in mind, ;).

The charity gala was crowded. So busy, in fact, that you had lost Rafael after maybe a few hours of being there. It wasn't hard to do, his last name rung out like a catchy pop song whenever you two went out: _'Barba, Rafael, Oh Mister Barba.'_ And so you stood alone, tracing the patterns on a navy tablecloth with your fingertips between sips of your drink. It wasn’t that you minded, really- this was where Rafael really shone. He knew everyone, and there wasn’t a person there who didn’t want to talk to him, especially since they’ve received the Saves The Dates he sent out. You were just fine nursing a glass of champagne.

However, your peaceful moments alone were interrupted when a stranger sidled up to your table. You perked a brow, before taking a quick survey of your surroundings. The man appeared to be alone, and there were far too many people around for anything bad to happen. “Hello?” Since he wasn’t intending on breaking the silence, you gladly would.

“Oh, Hello,” He began as if he hadn’t been the one to approach, full of surprise. “Sorry, I recognized you from the papers.”

Papers? What papers? Certainly not the newspapers. “Excuse me?” You requested politely, hoping some insight could be passed along your way. It was one thing for someone to notice you after seeing Rafael, but you being spotted initially would definitely be a first.

The stranger pointed across the gala, and shrugged his shoulders. “He looked busy,” he explained simply. “Kinda figured he’d have to get back to you eventually, he said he needed to talk to me.”

The rest of his answer fell on deaf ears; you were much more intrigued with the familiar woman speaking with your fiancé. That beautiful stranger you had seen him chatting with in his office before you and Rollins had been introduced to the new receptionist. What was her name? You chewed on the inside of your lip while trying to remember.

“Do you know her?” You feigned naivety and reverence while grinning, aiming her glass towards the two. “She’s lovely, I’ve only met her briefly in passing.” His eyebrow rose while you nodded along in hopes of proving your feigned sincerity. Hopefully it worked.

He sat his glass down with yours on the tall table, but the look on his face made you think he didn’t quite agree with your description. “Oh yea, loooovely Yelina,“ he snickered. Briefly, he debated indulging you with past knowledge, but perhaps that would be better appropriate for Rafael to bring up. “We’ve all known each other for years.”

“Oh-” Your head cocked to the side, and you nodded thoughtfully at his response. We? “How do you know Rafael?”

A shrug, as if it wasn’t really all that important. You didn’t really mind when people were vague anymore, usually they had their reasons. “Grew up together, before he became a hotshot Harvard grad,” his shoulders wiggled, and you assumed he was teasing him. “I’m Eddie, by the way.”

Eddie. That name rang a bell. Lightly, as if it had been involved in a story shared for breaking up a silence rather than a real purpose. “Pleasure to meet you,” you held a hand out, and he smiled while giving an eager shake. “What brings you to a charity gala?”

“Old friends,” His smile was smooth even though he was terse, and you wondered exactly how much Rafael had in common with his apparent childhood friends. Instead of lingering on him, you turned attention back to your man from across the room. That Yelina had leaned in close, had a hand on his chest as she spoke quietly near his ear, leaving Rafi appearing oddly… suspicious? He certainly didn’t look happy. You wondered what she was whispering, if you should be concerned beyond the bit of jealousy biting at your heels.

The look- those green eyes finally caught yours, and that sad smile came your way. Was he bored, or was he uncomfortable? Typically that would be your cue to suggest you leave, but the speeches hadn’t even happened yet.

"She’s crazy,” Eddie scoffed, and boldly tossed an arm in the air to catch Rafael’s attention when he noticed him looking your direction. He already had it, and received a wave in return, your attentive man had noticed the moment someone joined you at the table. Even from the distance, he always kept a close watch on you, not that he’d ever really want to be so far away. “And she hates me, so don’t worry, she won’t come over.”

Well that was fascinating. “Why doesn’t she like you?” You decided not to ask why he thought you’d be worried about her joining you.

“I’m why she’s divorced,” he chuckled low in his chest, but there was almost a hint of sadness to it; “and Rafi’s why I’m not in jail.” A swift sip of his drink before he kindly motioned towards him in adulation. “You’re marrying a really great man.”

You could only agree, and so you did, by holding up your champagne flute in the air by your new acquaintance. Eddie gladly clinked his glass with yours for the toast, and you both waited patiently for the horribly awkward scene across the gala to end. It was much nicer not to wait alone.

–

“I was hoping to find you before she did,” Eddie advised as soon as Rafael came back to the table. You thought he was going to run to bridge the gap, he was so excited to get away from the conversation he had been trapped in. “But looks like she beat me to you.” His grin mocked the ADA’s seriously tight lips. Apparently whatever they were talking about wasn’t pleasant.

“Uh yea,” He kissed your cheek, having learned long ago not to bother with your lipstick until after pictures. “Would have been nice.” Your hand was hidden under his, and you smiled while leaning your temple against his shoulder. That wasn't your business, so you didn't ask. "Could have told me you were here, too."

“You don’t have to know everything, Rafael.” Eddie joked, “After all, you’re the one who told me to come.” Well, that hadn’t been explained to you yet, but you did perk a brow while considering it. Your bewildered face was noticed, you realized, when he bumped at your arm with his elbow. “Plus, we’ve been making great conversation. I think she’s too nice for you, but that isn’t hard.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, but smiled through his drink of champagne. “I see you two have met.”

“We have,” you confirmed with a nod. "I didn't know you had friends outside of the office." He bumped his arm into yours for your subtle jab, as Eddie had done earlier, and you whined to pretend it hurt. 

The conversation shifted, and they were suddenly much more interested in the other. A couple words about old times, some Spanish you couldn't quite comprehend- you did giggle when you heard 'Yelina' within some foreign phrases and saw Rafael pretend to gag. You decided perhaps you'd be better off retrieving drinks than being an ornament. It was quickly dissolving into discussions about work anyways, mostly about how Eddie had apparently been a corrections officer, and you've learned work conversations are typically quite boring.

"Mi querida-" When he noticed you turning away, Rafael hooked his fingertips under yours. "Darling, do you mind if Eddie stays at the house a couple days?"

It didn't really feel like you were being asked, this seemed to have already been decided. "Of course," you grinned despite assuming you had been purposefully left out of this decision. "I wish you would have told me sooner, I'd have prepared the guest room."

Eddie laughed aloud, and shook his head side to side. "I'm used to couch surfing- the fact there is a guest room is more than enough preparation." He tipped his glass your direction, just before Rafael dropped his hand so you could go about getting another drink. "Thank you, though."

As you walked away, the men moved closer, and you could only assume the talks grew more serious when you noticed Rafael's shoulders droop.

\---

Rafael tilted his head to the side when he noticed you standing in front of the mirror. It’d be one thing if you had been wearing something new, studying how a dress fell on your frame. He loved watching you fawn over your new outfits, like his own personal fashion show. But that wasn’t the case this time- you were still in the silly clothes you wore to do yoga.

“What are you doing?” He asked boldly while watching you trace your fingertips along the waistband of the colorful shorts you wore. “Come to bed-”

“I went up a dress size,” your lips plumped to a pout and his brows furrowed. So what? He obviously didn’t seem to understand the concern. “I look like I’m going to bust these seams,” your self-deprecation continued as his bewilderment grew. That was a vast exaggeration.

“You’re wearing spandex, mi querida-” He pointed out, and even went to snapping his book shut. It took a bit to pull him from his recreational reading, but apparently this warranted his attention. You debated teasing him for knowing so much about fabric, but the distraction of your belly helped you bite your tongue. “It’s always going to look tight..."

That wasn’t quite the response you’d have expected, but you supposed he was trying to complimentary. You twist, to try and examine your reflection at a different angle. When did all of this extra body come along- you felt large, burdensome. What had this on the forefront of your mind? You weren't quite sure; was it seeing another lovely woman leaned up against Rafael's chest at the gala? Was it having to wear your second-choice gown since the first just felt a bit too tight?

Unfortunately, while you were struggling to find a reason for your sudden self-criticism; your poor man racked his brain in hopes to figure out what he had done or said wrong.

“Darling,” Rafael apparently realized his words had little impact. This didn't quite settle with him well, he couldn't fathom how melancholy had found you through your own reflection. Quickly, he went to climbing out of the covers. “Love, you can’t even tell, and who cares about dress size?”

“I do-” you announced stubbornly.

He grunted and you saw him roll his eyes via the mirror. You opened your mouth, ready to protest, demand he take you seriously. This was important to you, even if it didn’t seem so very critical to him.

Instead of letting you talk, he interrupted your thoughts, by slipping his heavy hands over yours. His chin found the crook of your neck, and his eyes cast down so he could look at you instead of the evil, magic mirror that had somehow hypnotized you. He wanted to bring you back.

“You know what I think every time I see you?” he delicately brought your arms down to your side.

You wagged your head side to side: you didn’t know.

“When I see you, I don’t see numbers or inches,” Rafael was whispering, directly into your ear, and your eyelids fluttered despite your studious examination the mirror. “I seeeee-” his hands ran from your shoulders, sliding down your silky soft limbs until his fingertips skimmed over your wrist and into your palms, “arms that are always open for me.”

Back up, so he could touch all the skin he had missed upon his initial descent, until his hands moved from your shoulders and went to travel down the sides of your chest. The pads of his fingers felt like fire, and you loved it. "I see the home of the biggest heart I’ve ever been blessed to love,“ his palms slid across your torso, and you could feel his thumbs skim the bottom swell of your breasts over your shirt. Delicately, he applied pressure to your sternum, until you were forced to lean your back against his chest.

"And here,” his fingers spread when he managed to reach your belly, splaying over the soft skin you had been damning, “is where the loudest, sweetest laughter I’ve ever heard comes from-” his lips against your throat had never felt lovelier, you swayed slightly with him as he went side to side. “And where I hope, one day, our sweet baby will grow.” You could have cried when you heard the wishful hitch in his voice.

From your tummy, to your hips. Faint stretch marks decorated your thighs; you always tried not to pay much attention to them. Purposely, he rolled up the bottoms of your shorts, so they'd be unable to hide. “And mi querida, each one of these,” his nails gingerly scaled the tinted skin, and his eyes watched longingly as he did so. “They each tell a story, they didn’t appear overnight.” Realizing you were shivering, his gaze fell back to the mirror. “All they say are that you’ve changed and grown, like the rings in the great Oak trees at the park,” He smiled, you could see it in your reflection, and he stopped tracing the art of your skin so he could coil his arms around your waist. “I hope you continue to do so, with me." He plumped his lip, as if he were pouting; begging. "Forever and ever.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but he wagged his head side to side, and you obediently ceased. Apparently it wasn’t your turn to talk. “I love you,” Rafael spoke carefully, emphasizing each syllable in hopes it could radiate through your crippling self-doubt. You could easily feel his grip tighten, it knocked the air out of you when you construed the touch as a manifestation of his desperation. “I love every inch of you; I’ll love every inch that comes, and I’ll miss each one that goes.” Kisses, again. Sweet pecks of reassurance that you didn’t know you needed until they were gifted. You melted into his embrace, he gleefully led you away from the mirror.

“I love you, Rafael,” you managed airily, and you obediently crawled over the comforters when your slow stroll finally ended at the foot of the bed. He came quick after you, shamelessly hooking fingers into the waistband of your shorts so he could steal them off. You allowed it, through giggling, and he began a new trail of kisses from your knee all the way up to your hip.

“Can I point out the rest of my favorite parts of you?” His voice had lowered as his hands ghosted your legs, and his wriggling eyebrows definitely earned your intense interest. You’d love to hear about all of his favorite parts- knowing every inch he loved made you consider that perhaps you could find them lovable, too.

The next morning, you'd wake up after Rafael. The floor length mirror that had so stubbornly stolen your confidence the evening before would be gone- and you wouldn't dare ask about where it disappeared to.

That's alright, though; you didn't need it anymore. Knowing how you were perceived in Rafael's eyes was more than enough- now.

It certainly felt lovely to be so lovely.

\---

"So it turned up in Lost & Found?" Eddie was lounged back in the loveseat, hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. The hospitality was certainly appreciated. Usually he was awake early taking care of his son and mother, being a guest was a nice reprieve.

Rafael nodded, elbows resting on his knees. "Yea, two weeks later... film and everything."

His friend sighed; trying to keep up with the chaos was draining even after a full night's sleep. Rafael had always been smarter than him, he really didn't understand why he was getting drug into this. What good was he?

"I got these," the paperwork was pulled out from under the coffee table, a listing of everyone who was on the plane from Florida to New York- security and all. "I was wondering if any of these names rang a bell-" The men hovered over the sheets, which was when you finally walked in from the hallway.

Eddie saw you first and jumped, as if trying to avoid the conversation now that you were in the room. His sharp movements were noted, and Rafael suspiciously glanced over his shoulder. Upon realizing it was just you, he grew silent. Assuming you weren't welcome in their conversation, you dejectedly turned for the kitchen.

" _Your Name_ ," your exit plan was interrupted when your name rang out; you twisted to check around the corner. Rafael held a hand out towards you, curling his fingers inwards. Beckoning you. "Honey, come here."

Curiously, you obliged, and sauntered over towards them and their work lying out across the table. You peered over the list of names, and cocked your head to the side in order to study them more carefully. Rafael pulled you into his lap, and you settled so he could rest his cheek against your arm.

"So, Eddie;" Your sweet man continued on as if you had never interrupted, stretching to turn the page around so he could read them right side up. "The ones to the left," he carefully tapped at the names set to the side, "they're security. Any of them sound familiar? Four of them used to work at Riker's."

It took him a few moments, as if he still didn't trust the issue, but Eddie agreeably went to examining the names. He squint, and even set his coffee mug down before tracing out lines along the printed words. "I know those two, worked with them, but-" The third name he traced multiple times. "That one was dishonorably discharged, before I got there. Everyone joked about him."

"What was the punch line?" your fiancé’s mouth twitched, and you wrapped your arm over his shoulders while listening on.

"It's crude," he warned simply, motioning towards you with a nod. "She's a lady."

"She's fine," Rafael didn't flinch. "She's involved in this as much as I am at this point-" that was likely the first time he had so boldly insisted on keeping you in the loop, instead of picking through his knowledge to choose what you get to know. It was reassuring, made you feel more in control. Comfortable, despite the topic. "She can handle it."

Eddie said something in Spanish, you weren't sure what it was but Rafael chuckled when he did- hopefully it was something actually funny. Considering the subject matter, that was probably high hopes.

“Triple R.” He leaned back in his seat, avoiding eye contact with you. You weren’t so sure why he was so uncomfortable, but he wasn’t trying to hide it. “Riker’s Rapist, Randy.” His fingertips tapped along the edge of the mug. “He worked real close with his partner, Gary somethin', the other officer that was in the news, what was it…”

“Munson.” Rafael nodded vigorously. Your eyebrow perked, that name was familiar.

“Yea, Gary.” Eddie tilted his head to the side and brought up the much more important question; “How the Hell did he get a job as security on an airline? Last I heard he was a janitor somewhere, nobody in their right mind would hire him.”

Finally, you piped in: “Was he ever charged?”

His eyes fell on yours, in surprise. “No, it was a lot of rumors, they fired him and chose not to investigate-“ Eddie laughed this time, but it was nervous. It made you squirm in your seat, and Rafael laid an arm over your legs in hopes of settling you. “You’re the only one who goes after correctional officers, Rafi…”

Your fiancé exhaled sharply, and buried his face into the silk of your nightgown. Damn his martyr complex, damn his unwavering searches for justice.

You considered asking more questions, demanding clarifications or information on the other recognizable names. This was out of your league, though, and your darling Rafael appeared exhausted with the discussion already. Too early for all this. “I’m going to make breakfast,” you announced loudly, breaking both men from their worried trance. “Eddie, honey, you like eggs? Mind ‘em scrambled?”

“If I don’t have to cook ‘em, I’ll eat anything.” He smiled, beamed up at you really. You ruffled Rafael’s hair and stood from his lap, he held onto you as long as he could until your adventure towards the kitchen tore you away. Once he assumed you were out of listening distance, he must not be used to such open floor plans, Eddie leaned forward over the table to address his old friend; “Encontraste a la chica perfecta, Rafi.”

Rafael’s laughter decorated the condo with beauty, it calmed your tense shoulders even from the other room. “Créeme, lo sé.” He reclined and covered his face with his hands “Nunca me sentí de esta manera antes.”

“Agárrate con ella, Rafi.” Eddie threw a throw pillow at him before going for the television remote. He was done with the serious conversation, would rather wait patiently for you to bring breakfast. “Y si tiene ella hermana, házmelo saber…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Encontraste a la chica perfecta, Rafi.” // "You found the perfect girl, Rafi."  
> “Créeme, lo sé.” // "Believe me, I know."  
> “Nunca me sentí de esta manera antes.” // "I've never felt this way before."  
> “Agárrate con ella, Rafi.” // "Hold on to her, Rafi."  
> “Y si tiene ella hermana, házmelo saber…” // "And if she has a sister, let me know ..."


End file.
